Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Oh, You'll Pray for Cancer
Jewish woman: You bought the wrong kind of challah!
Jewish man: So what? It's not the worst thing.
Jewish woman: Yes it is!
Jewish man: Is it worse than cancer?
--Union Turnpike, Queens
Cat: Fucking Tourists
Little girl to stray cat: Meow. Meowwwww!
Mother to stray cat, pulling the girl away: Woof! Woooof!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Susan
A Gay Guy Would Just Do It
Man: If I call you "honey" it's sexual harassment. If he says it, it's okay because he's gay.
Woman: "Honey" is nothing when you keep asking to feel my boobs.
--47th St & Broadway
Hey, You Never Know When a Stray-Dog Contest Will Erupt in New York
Guy, apropos of nothing: You know, if I were ever in one of those contests where there's a stray dog and two families and you have to figure out which family he loves the most, I would totally keep some Snausages in my pocket or something.
(long pause)
Chick he's with: You are a strange little man. A strange little man.
--Uptown Q Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Ironically, They Both Work Weekends
Guy in suit #1: Well, at least it's Thursday.
(short pause)
Guy in suit #2: It's Wednesday, dude.
Guy in suit #1: (incredibly deep sigh)
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: Jess
The Wayans Brothers Are the Most Important Social Commentators Of Our Time
Older hipster film snob: I am trying to watch all those movies they made about the Iraq War in the last few years. I just finished rendition and I thought Stop Loss was this really poignant picture of the way soldiers have dealt with the renewed tours.
Friend: Oh, yeah? You know what movie looks really good? I think it is still in theaters. Dance Flick.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
As Youngsters, the Kardashians Were Pretty Much the Way They Are Today
Eight-year-old sister: Oh, I'm telling momma that you been mean to that boy and you been cussin'! She'll take your allowance away!
Eight-year-old brother: Fuck you! Suck my dick!
Eight-year-old sister: I'll take your allowance and your dick!
--Tompkins Ave & Flushing Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pechewychomp
Want Me to Crush Up Some More Xanax in Applesauce for You?
Angry mom holding to seven-year-old daughter: It's fucking hot!
Seven-year-old daughter: It's okay, mom. It'll be okay.
--Rego Park, Queens
Note: This Message Was Not Approved by Barack Obama
Teenager, fighting with security: Fuck you! Fuck all y'all! Obama, baby! (storms out)
Preppy guy: See, this is why I vote Republican.
--14th St & Union Square
Also How Joe Biden Tries to Make Friends
Old man to passing girl: Boo!
(girlfriend shrieks, old man lets out an evil, villain laugh. Girl and her boyfriend walk away quickly, boyfriend chuckling)
Old man, looking back at them as they walk away: Hahahaha! No, no wait! Wait, I'm sorry! I'm sorrryyy!
--77th St & Broadway
Her Inhaler, for Instance.
Blonde chick: So...isn't she going to want her stuff back?
Dude with cute voice: Actually...she doesn't know I have most of her stuff.
--Broadway & 28th St
Overheard by: Stormy
Are You Bragging About That?
White girlfriend to Asian boyfriend intentionally blocking the door: What are you, 12 years old?
Asian boyfriend: Only from the waist down.
--76th & Columbus
Sinners Are Always More Sinful on the Other Side Of the Door
Crazy Jesus guy: Repent! Judgment is upon us, and we are all sinners!
Suit: Hey, there are some sinners in the next car.
Crazy Jesus guy: We indulge in things, and it's a sin!
Suit: Some really bad sinners.
Crazy Jesus guy: Repent!
Suit: They're just there in the next car.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Nora
It Makes You Look Fat
Gay guy: Oh fuck, motherfucker!
Female friend: Why must you be so white?
--Bleecker & 7th Ave
Overheard by: molina1230
Um, I Meant with the Stock Market.
Suit #1: Hey, did you hear about what happened yesterday?
Suit #2: Yeah, I did, and the amazing part is that female sex offenders exist--that's crazy!
--City Hall Park
Overheard by: Amused Onlooker
A Cute Little Mom and Pop Quote
Mother to teenage burnout daughter, holding corn pops: I'm not buying these for you... they're like styrofoam!
Teenage burnout daughter, yelling down aisle: They're delicious! And I dreamed about them last night!
(mother puts cereal back into cart and dances to her cell phone ringtone)
--Gristedes, 168th St
Euro-Goths Make Formidable Parents
Employee to little girl with summer book list: Maybe this one? (shows her book)
Little girl: I've already read it in French.
Mother, in heavy French accent: Just pick one or I'm going to make you read The Graveyard Book!
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: I like Neil Gaiman...
He Drew Little Hearts on His Roofies!
Girl #1: He is such a creep.
Girl #2: I know! Isn't he cute?
--24th & 3rd
Overheard by: The Guy
...It's Enough That We Both Love Grosse Point Blank
Cute girl to guy she went to high school with: We should totally hang out! I mean, I have no idea who you are, but...
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: The Green Cat
That's a Rosary, Sadie.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, but it was okay because my anal beads, as usual, did the job.
Hipster girl #2: Really? Because they just haven't been working for me lately.
--Union Square
New Car Buyers Have Higher Standards Than Ever Before
Girl #1: Overpriced, and totally not worth it.
Girl #2: But does it come with a vibrator?
--43rd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Taylor
Strangely, Our First Ever Quote to Include the Words "Pig Urine"
Old man: So where are you from?
Barber: Russia.
Old man: Oh yes, they have a lot of money there in Russia.
Barber: No, very poor.
Old man: Where in Russia are you from?
Barber: Uzbekistan.
Old man: Oh! So you're from the boondocks? Your country would be like the boondocks to Russia.
Barber: I lived in a city.
Old man: A city? You mean you didn't grow up on a farm?
Barber: No.
Old man: You didn't have livestock?
Barber: Yes. We had pigs and chickens.
Old man: Pigs are great. But pig urine smells awful. And chickens are stupid. They will lie back with their mouths open and drown in a rainstorm.
Barber: Yes, chickens are stupid. I named them after my sisters.
--E 9th & Ave A
...God, I Envy Her!
Girl: And she was like "I usually only play the nice girls, so I'm excited to play someone sinister."
Gay guy, laughing out loud: Did she actually say that? I hate her!
Girl: I know, right? And she has no butt, either! It's just like, flat. What would that look like? Not that anyone should have to imagine her naked.
Gay guy: It's like...a cube. (both laugh)
--Metro North
Leave It to New Yorkers to Get to the Core Of an Issue
Barefoot hobo: World War II was the best day of my life til my big sista was born in 1812. That was them Spaniard War... (silence, then in a really loud voice) Dammit, who stole my chicken?
Nervous white woman to friend, whispering: That's what happens when you send your kids to public school... (a minute later) Did he even have chicken?
--F Train
Can You Say Hi to Paula Abdul for Me?
Old lady: Where is this bus going?
Drunk girl: To the moon!
Old lady: Really?
--2nd St & 2nd Ave
What's "Shit," Again?
Bimbo #1: Oh my god, like I could totally pickpocket you right now.
Bimbo #2: No you couldn't, I could like totally feel you!
Bimbo #1: Like I totally want to learn how to pickpocket.
Bimbo #2: I like want be a professional pickpocket.
Bimbo #1: Yeah, but you have to be all stealthy and shit.
Bimbo #2: There you go using big words again!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Long Story Short, I Now Have a Son.
Guy #1: And then she was like "you have baby-dar." I'm all like "baby-dar? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"
Guy #2: Yeah.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: preggers
Tonight on Celebmentally-Ill Apprentice
Crazy guy: You know, there's a big sale going on, on stars. They're only $10,000.
Amused girl: Oh wow, that's cheap, I totally wish I had $10,000.
Crazy guy: Actually, I'm trying to put together a benefit for endangered animals.
--Union Square
Just the Slow and Stupid Ones, Kiddo
Dad on bike: Look at the ducks!
Excited little boy: Can we run them over?
--Central Park
I'm Not Letting the Baby Take the Fall for Us Again
Wife with baby in stroller: Watch the coke! Don't spill.
Husband: Are you going to keep saying that out loud until we get arrested?
--SoHo
I Want Him Home in His Jammies Playing Halo
Brunette: I would never date a guy who wears skinny jeans.
Blonde: What's wrong with skinny jeans?
Brunette: It means he's got fashion sense. I just don't need that. I would also never date a guy who's sociable.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: wearing skinny jeans and wouldn't date her either
The Intro to Every Horror Movie from the 80's, in a Nutshell
Male 30-something lawyer: I'm looking forward to this weekend. Me and my girlfriend are going camping.
Male 50-something lawyer: The only thing I have left to look forward to is a quick, painless death.
Male 30-something lawyer: Have you ever been camping?
--Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Their Homoerotic Catalogs, Then?
Unenthusiastic bro: It smells like fruit.
Overexcited skank: No! It smells like Abercrombie.
--56th St & 5th Ave
Things Got Awkward When They Brought Up Aaron
Drunk hipster: God, I just loved Charlie, why did they have to kill him?
Drunk 30-something: No, I'd do Locke, even with his crazy eye.
Drunk hipster: Oh, Sawyer's a babe.
Drunk 30-something: No shit! I'd drink beer out of his shoe.
--Sin Sin Bar, East Village
Overheard by: not as drunk
Headline by: erak
Runners-Up:
· "...And Freebase the Smoke Monster" - DCGeek
· "I'd Drink Beer Out Of a Lot Of Things, Though" - Paul. R
· "This Could Totally Be Me and My Friends" - james
· "Yeah, Well I'd Lick Jam Off Sayed's Back Bro...." - Ria
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Moral Of the Story: Don't Go to Brooklyn.
(train stops late at night, conductor orders everyone out)
30-something man with large black coat on: This is why I drive drunk! This is why I drive drunk! Because the trains suck! This is why I drive drunk!
20-something woman in heels: This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk! This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk!
30-something man: This is why I drive drunk! Fuck this train!
20-something woman: You tell them, uncle! You tell them!
--L Train
That's Really More Of a Palin Stereotype.
Teacher #1: So I was talking to people in the admissions office, and they were talking about the answers to the question "Who is your favorite fictional character?" (pause) Hillary Clinton? Real. Gandhi? Also real. And Mulan?! I'd reject anyone who said Mulan.
Teacher #2: Maybe they meant Hillary in the sense of how she's depicted.
Teacher #1: That's stupid.
--City Center
Overheard by: Kyle
Why Do I Always Get Headaches When I Hang Out with You?
Girl to foreign friend: I wish my friend Lockdown lived here, but he lives in LA.
Foreign friend: Low down?
Girl: Lockdown.
Foreign friend: What is he?
Girl: Lockdown!
Foreign friend: Lookdown?
Girl: No! Lockdown.
Foreign friend: He's in jail ?
Girl: No, he's not locked up, he's Lockdown.
Foreign friend: So he's married?
Girl: No! His name is Lockdown. He's single.
Foreign friend: So, is he from Malaysia?
Girl: No, Michigan.
--N 6th St & Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get Ready to Rummmmbbbble
10-year old son to father: I'm going to punch you in the penis!
--Hudson & Desbrosses
Woman to 4-year-old: I do what I have to do to get things done. I'll even break some legs.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Girl to friend, sounding genuinely ecstatic: Yeah, he kneed me in the thigh, it was awesome.
--West Village
Woman on cell: Did you try changing its diaper? (pause) What about smacking it around a little and telling it to shut up?
--26th & 7th
Overheard by: Liz
The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.
--107th & Broadway
Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.
--Majestic Theater
Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.
--10th Ave & 39th St
Overheard by: Todd Fletcher
Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.
--Supermarket, Astoria
Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!
--7 Train
Overheard by: Alex
Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
--Fulton St
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
--Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
--Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
--10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
--36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
--Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
--Broadway
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
White People Wish They Were Wednesday One-Liners
Black man passing out leaflets: And this woman here, you know she'd love to have a big black cock in her. Don't deny it, baby, you would.
--Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: unimpressed and skeptical
Girl to friend, unknowingly a few feet away from black guy: Thank god there's no black people on this street.
--Steinway St
Black TA, walking in five minutes before class: Oh my god, am I early? Oh, no! I'm going against my people's stereotype!
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: kpan
Asian guy to another, loudly: The black girl doesn't sound black. How do they do that?
--Uptown W Train
Queer to another: So I want to get dreadlocks, like black people.
--W 14th & 6th
Black lady to staring white kid: That's right little boy, this is what a black person looks like.
--Outside Toys R' Us, Times Square
Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow
Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!
--13th St
Overheard by: questioning the physics
Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean...it's like not tall...but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah...like...too much thought is like...bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!
--84th & Amsterdam Ave
One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Dan
High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.
--72nd St & Broadway
20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.
--Ess-A-Bagel
Overheard by: Emma
NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!
--St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo
Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!
--Bobst Library
Overheard by: ttny
Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck.
--SoHo
Overheard by: kim
Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers.
--2nd Ave & Houston
Overheard by: gypsee
Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs.
--1 Train
Overheard by: oliviz
Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum.
--M14D Bus
Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain...you always forget to get off.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: rachel
Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand.
--Brother Jimmy's Restaurant
Overheard by: Joe
Kentucky Fried Wednesday One-Liners
Man to little boy: I can't believe you've never played tic-tac-toe with a chicken in Chinatown.
--52nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Ed
Hipster guy: I don't know though, I can't Indian give those chickens, can I?
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: BKLover
Older black man to himself, entering train with moving box: I got a live chicken in this box! I don't know why god gave me a chicken. He knows I don't know what to do with one. (a few minutes later) I'm gonna sell her to the butcher shop and they're going to cut that motherfucker up!
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: Mawy
Serious man, seeing dog carrying shopping bad in teeth: I am going to train a dog like that. I will train it to bring me chicken.
--73rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Large black dude to large black friend: Yo, man, I am so tired of chicken! I mean, yeah, I know, I'm black...but man, I ain't eating no chicken at that party man. Don't even bring no chicken by me, cause I ain't eating none. Matter of fact, I ain't eating no chicken for Black History Month. I'ma start the movement! No chicken for Black History Month!
--Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: Kosi
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lips and a Beard, but No Nose
Woman to friend: I just don't understand these women. I mean, get your head out of your bush and look around!
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: rawr
Girl: Oh, I was wondering why my vagina was vibrating!
--Salvation Army, 11th & 4th
Man on sidewalk, waving arms: I can't, can't, can't, can't, can't get enough pussy!
--125th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: wonders why
Woman on cell: I get my pussy eaten out so much I don't even want it anymore.
--Staten Island Ferry
Girl on cell: Oh, come on, I can see her vagina from here!
--Court St & Dean St, Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Astigmatic
"Luke, I Am Your Wednesday One-Liner"
Student to professor: Yeah, man, you know, because every time I slap you five, now I feel like I'm slapping your father's ass.
--Suffolk County Community College
Overheard by: Wish I was paying attention
Trashy sista' on cell: Did you know you've been nominated for an award? (pause) Yeah, I know! I mean, it's just nice to even be nominated, issa' honor. Yeah, you wanna know whacha been nominated for? You been nominated for the world's biggest deadbeat daddy!
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: I don't work here
Demi-bum to another, looking at postcards at a convenience store: Oh, I want to send a postcard to my father: Doing shitty, wish you cared!
--Fulton & Water
Teen girl to friend: Of course I got him tested!...but he wasn't the father either.
--145th & Broadway
Guard: Did you hear about that 9-year-old girl who gave birth to her own twin? I'm serious! It was inside her stomach and then she gave birth to it. And the craziest part is that the twin was from another father!
--74th & Madison
Latina girl to friend: You know, I don't even know what I saw in that loser. I should've dumped his ass the first time he tried hitting on my dad!
--58th & 6th
Overheard by: Tim J.
Dirty Wednesday One-Linering
Tired thug teen, wistfully: I'd dance like crazy in a basement.
--R Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at three-month old baby: Isn't that guy in my dance class?
--Red Hook, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Swimfan
Clueless man to friend: What do you call male ballerinas anyway? Ballers?
--Cirque du Soleil Show, Randall's Island
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Girl to friend: I didn't dance with him at all...I kept walking away from him...I wasn't actually a very good prom date.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: wink
Metrosexual on cell: Do you have a large table in your apartment? Is it large enough for five men to stand on? Of course, we won't be dancing!
--Upper West Side
The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners
Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.
--Borough Hall, Brooklyn
Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!
--Astor Place
Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!
--Times Square
Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking...you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening...seriously.
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..
30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brainy
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Drunk girl to friend: No, 'cause my kids are gonna be city kids and your kids are gonna be country kids and my kids aren't gonna wanna talk to your kids!
--University Place & 12th
Overheard by: Mikalena
Drunk white girl: Who owns New York City? Who's got it on lock down more than Jay-Z?
--8th St & 3rd Ave
Drunken girl to friend: He's divorced. Is it okay if I fuck him?
--E 14th St
Overheard by: Mimi
Drunken bro, stumbling into hookah bar with friends: Do you think they have penis flavor?!
--Hookah Bar, 1st Ave
Drunk frat boy, sitting in trash can, drinking Bacardi Mojito bottle: This is the end man! This is the fucking end!
--Church & Canal
Overheard by: Ben
Drunk girl on phone: Hello? What happened? Your dad died? Oh...what? Your dog died? Oh, I though you said your dad died. Wait...are you laughing or crying? Cuz if you're crying, I hate you. Sorry, I'm on the train right now, and I'm drunk off my ass.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Igor Petrov
But That's Just Called "Being a New Yorker"
Girl: Why doesn't he just break his lease?
Guy: Well, because he's really frugal. Except when he drinks and buys sushi at 3 am.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: EthanK
And They're Both 100% RSVP
Random lady #1: Yeah, they had a cream for day and another for night.
Random lady #2: Oh, really?
Random lady #1: Yeah, one for am and one for fm.
--Macy's Kings Plaza
Overheard by: Dee
Who's the Smart One? Show Your Work.
Yuppie girl #1, looking at platform: Ohmigod! Is that like a mirror over there, or are there actually other people on that side?
Yuppie girl #2: I don't get it.
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: Chris H
Hasn't That Exhibit Been Done?
Cute girl to drunk friend sitting provocatively with a miniskirt on: Sit up, Beth, your coochie's hangin' out.
Drunk friend: I can't get up. (yelling) Does anyone on this train have a problem with my vagina hanging out?
(train is silent)
Drunk friend: See? No one cares. Vaginas are like modern art these days.
Cute girl: I guess.
Drunk friend: You could take a picture of my snatch right now, frame it, make it look like Warhol, and it would sell in the MoMA for five thousand bucks. Hell, I should be charging admission fees right now. Anyone who comes to see my snatch exhibit and doesn't buy a copy is a misogynist.
--A Train
Actually...
Girl on bus looking at a Six Flags sign: Why do they call it Six Flags?
Guy: Yo, bitch! Count the flags!
--Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Nicoletta
...Long and Prosper
Girl #1: You should see Star Trek.
Girl #2: But I don't like Star Trek.
Girl #1: I didn't either at first, and now all I want is to fuck Captain Kirk.
Girl #2: That's ridiculous.
Girl #1: I'm not ashamed to love.
--Times Square
Overheard by: I'd Fuck Him Too
My Dealer Says He's Creating Brand Identity
Asian woman to large black man holding pink bag: I think it's funny that a large black man is holding a little pink bag.
Black man: It's where I keep my drugs.
--Downtown 1
It Was a "Five Finger Discount" in Every Sense Of the Word
Drunk girl: I'm totally into "Wham, bam, thank you mam." People think it's trashy but I just wanna get mine.
Less drunk girl: I like to have relationships, make them work for it. I mean, what do you get out of a one-night-stand?
Drunk girl: One time I stole the guy's watch.
--LIRR
I'm Beginning to Regret Naming You Descartes
Little girl: What is that?
Mom: An ornament on a branch.
Little girl: Why is it an ornament on a branch?
Mom: Because it is.
Little girl: Why is it because it is?
--St. Lukes Holiday Festival, Hudson & Christopher
Overheard by: nosey nancy
Where the Sex Of Fuzzy Creatures Is Never an Issue
Southern tourist #1: Oh my! Oh. My. God!
Southern tourist #2: Woman, what is it?
Southern tourist #1: It's that Elmo again! I saw him yesterday! At the same place! It's preying on tourists!
Southern tourist #2: Maybe you just need a hug from him!
Suit: It is an "it!" An "it," you tourist fools! It! It! Iiiiiiiiiiiittttttt!
Southern tourist #2: I toldja we shoulda just stuck with Atlantic City.
--Times Square
Next Time, He'll Leave Them in the Woods
Girl in heels to friends, trailing behind teacher: Look at him trying to shake us! Ain't never gonna happen. (calls ahead loudly) Mr. Daniels! Can we go to Sephora?
Teacher: (looks over shoulder, goes from fast walk to jog)
--Times Square
Overheard by: Scarface
Otherwise Known As a Traditional Staten Island Picnic
Super short Hispanic thug: I told that bitch "I'm not scared of you, I'll beat you with my ham sandwich!"
Super short black thug: Fuck, yeah!
Super short Hispanic thug: Yeah, I'll beat that bitch with some mayonnaise, some ham, and a roll! I'm not scared of that bitch!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by:
Guess How Many Licks It Takes to Get to the Center
Perky volunteer selling candy: Hi! Would you like to buy a chocolate vagina?
Black woman: No, thank you, I already have my own chocolate vagina!
--V-Day Event, W 36th St
Overheard by: Rita
What Do You Think This Is, Staten Island?
Gristedes cashier to customer: Here's your change, and you get a coupon too.
Customer: Is it good for a Craigslist hooker?
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Amused Shopper
Isn't This from an Ionesco Play?
Man: Get over here!
Woman: My father is dead!
--Union Square
Subway Preacher Tip #403: Know Your Audience.
Jamaican man: The biggest issue of our society is not terrorism but men lusting after women's butts! If you lust after women's butts you will burn in hell! Women, do not show off your butts for you will burn in hell! Do not wear jeans or tight pants! Make sure you cover up your butts!
Passenger: I love the butts.
Jamaican man: Do you have no soul? The lust of the women's butts will only bring you to the devil! Please save yourself and stop lusting after the butts!
Passenger: Who loves the butts?
All men on train: Yay butts!
--Uptown 4 Train
Overheard by: white girl with a big butt wearing tight pants
Contemporary Horses Stubbornly Refuse to Get Horn Transplants, Anyway
Upset four-year-old girl, looking at tapestries of unicorns: But mom!
Mother: These are fakes, silly. There are no real unicorns here. We're not at a zoo!
--The Cloisters
Overheard by: Rebecca
How Do You Like the Planet So Far?
Crazy guy: Have you seen a bus come by recently?
Girl #1: No, sorry.
Crazy guy: How long have you been here?
Girl #2: We just got here.
Crazy guy: Oh. Welcome!
--89th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Nora
I Can Do This All. Fucking. Day.
Woman at street vendor: I'll have a small coffee.
Vendor: We only have one size.
Woman: Well, I'll take the smallest size you have.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Siobhan
Girls Can Be So Catty
Mother to little girl: Dammit! Stop that, you are not a cat!
Friend: What's she doing?
Mother: She's licking me! She meows too!
Little girl: Meow!
Female passenger: Meow!
(pause)
Little girl: Meow?
Female passenger: Meow!
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: Kat
Solve Their Riddle, and They Will Provide a Sherpa to Take You the Rest Of the Way
Tourist kid to random guy: Do you know where St. Mark's is?
Random guy: You see that spinny cube?
Tourist kid: Yeah.
Random guy: And do you see that clump of punk rock Midwesterners?
Tourist kid: No.
Random guy: Well, you're gonna.
--Astor Place
How Dr. Phil Got His Start
Young girl: See, I was right! And you said I was stupid.
Young boy: No, I didn't. I said you had a problem, and that ain't changed.
--Central Park West
Headline by: Lusus Naturae
Runners-Up:
· "Fortunately, Most Young Girls Are Stupid, Otherwise Young Boys Wouldn't Ever Get Laid" - Young, Dumb, & Full Of ...
· "Testfiy, Brother, Testify!" - Jakal
· "The Education System Is the Problem, Stupidity Is the Outcome" - Teacher's Spouse
· "Yep, It's Infected" - benji
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Feed Them to My Kids and It Makes Their Hair All Shiny
Aging yuppie: Wet dog food is a total crock!
Aging yuppiess: Yes, Kibbles are far superior.
--58th & 6th
Overheard by: Big Taugess
The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away
Tacky girl #1: Why do I feel like every time I gain a friend, I lose a friend?
Tacky girl #2: (silence)
Tacky girl #1: It's like AIM buddy lists, like when you max, you know? You have to delete a friend to add a new one, you know? My friendships are all like that, you know?
Tacky girl #2: I don't think it works like that.
Tacky girl #1: Yeah, you're right.
(pause)
Tacky girl #2: Well, if it was like that, who would decide?
Tacky girl #1: Umm...god?
Tacky girl #2: Well, maybe whoever's deciding is telling you to look at the friends you do have, and, like, see if they're worth it.
Tacky girl #1: Ohmigod! You are so good. How did you get so good?
--Metro-North
Who Says Romance Is Dead?
Disgusted girl: It smells like rats!
Guy: No, it's just shit you're smelling.
--St Mark's & Ave A
Overheard by: j
What?? I'm Tiny by Association.
Skinny tween: I hate it when people smush me in the subway.
Fatty tween: Yeah, it's not like we take up that much space!
Skinny tween: Why am I so tiny?
Fatty tween: Why did god make us so tiny?
--Union Square
...Near Swaziland
Older woman: So where's Bangladesh?
College girl, looking at MTA map: Oh, I think its uptown somewhere.
--F Train
Overheard by: Nehc
Worst. Mentor. Ever.
Library staff: Was there brain damage?
Library work-study: Er, no.
Library staff: Well, then! How badly can you get hurt by getting hit in the head with a beer bottle?
--Fordham University Library
I May Have to Marry That Man
Young woman to friend: And I was getting so fucking mad at my boss, so I reached into my bag and pulled out the emergency extra strength maxi-pad I always carry, and walked into his office and threw it at his face. And he looks at me calmly, picks it up, opens it up and sticks it to his desk, and then takes his bottle of water and starts pouring it onto the pad. So I scream, "what the fuck are you doing?" and he looks at me and says, "I want to see if the commercials are true."
--Downtown 1 Train
If M. Night Shyamalan Made Kids' Movies
Young woman: Who wants to be a spider!?
Group of children: Yaaaaaaaaaay!
--Park Slope
Nothing Makes a Girl Feel More Masculine Than a Gay Male Friend
Skinny gay guy: I think I tweeted about that.
Fat girl: Can we please stop using "tweeted" unless you have, in fact, turned into a bird?
Skinny gay guy: Whatevs! I'm going inside. I have to piddle.
--Graham & Frost, Brooklyn
A Weave Covers a Multitude Of Sins, Just Not That One
Girl #1: All I know is, you need to take care of your pussy first, then worry about your damn hair.
Girl #2: I already told you I'm goin' to the damn doctor to get that shit looked at, now lemme go get my extensions in peace.
Girl #1: You can get all the extensions, weaves and whatnot you want, but if your pussy stays rotten, ain't nobody gonna get anywhere near that shit.
Girl #2: Bitch, will you shut up about my damn pussy. Everybody gotta hear about my pussy? Shit, now we got half the damn city hearing about my pussy!
Girl #1: They probably smell it too.
Girl #2: Fuck you, bitch!
Girl #1: Say fuck you all you want, a weave and fixing your pussy.
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
But He Really Had to at That Point, Y'know?
12-year-old boy to two 12-year-old girls, ending long story: So my dad peed in the apple pie!
12-year-old girls: Eeeeewwwww!
--W 77th & Columbus
Overheard by: Stephen
Our Submitter Seems Happy About It
Middle-aged socialite #1: I can't believe he forgot about the annual dinner!
Middle-aged socialite #2: He didn't forget, he just isn't coming.
Middle-aged socialite #1: Why would he not come?
Middle-aged socialite #2: Stacey slept with Rob.
Middle-aged socialite #1: Whaaaaat?
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Rob
When You Watch Enough SVU, You Become Impervious to Weirdos
Crazy dude with shades to woman chatting with friend: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna blow you, suck you, fuck the two of you bitches hard, you know why? Cause I'm a faggot!
Women: (blank stare)
Crazy dude with shades: Then I can kill you, too. (maniacal laughter)
Women: (continue their jovial conversation)
--F Train
Overheard by: Craig
The Kind Of Advice Dr. Phil Wants to Give
Stressed fashionista to BFF: Do you know where I can get a decent elliptical machine for $600 for my apartment?
BFF: No. Have you tried Craigslist?
Stressed fashionista: Already tried Craigslist...maybe I just need a punching bag.
BFF: I know those are on Craigslist. Look under "personals" for "sub m looking for dominant f."
--57th St & 6th Ave
To Be Fair, She Means After-Hours, Black Market Trader Joe's
Old Asian man: They don't have it.
Old Asian woman: It not problem. We go to Trader Joe tomorrow.
Old Asian man: We go where?
Old Asian woman: Trader Joe. You'll see. They have it.
--Trader Joe's
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
