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Why Miss Cleo Got Fired from Her Flyer-Peddling Job
Comedy club rep: Hey, crackheads, come see a comedy show!
Woman: I'm not a crackhead.
Comedy club rep: ...yet.
--43rd & 7th
Isn't That Why the Lollipop Guild Was Formed?
Teacher: Which race of people were counted as 3/5 of a person during the 1850s in the South?
Student: Midgets.
--Williamsburg High School
I Didn't Know You Could Read Japanese!
50-something lady to 30-something daughter: I really want Japanese food.
30-something daughter: Where do you wanna go?
50-something lady: I see Japanese people in that restaurant. It must be sushi... what's it called?
30-something daughter: Nick's Pizza.
--Fortest Hills
Overheard by: Godzirra
Those Flames Are Just a Red Herring
Man #1, watching firemen climb a ladder and enter a brownstone: What are they doing? Why are there so many of them?
Man #2: Maybe somebody got stuck in the bathtub.
Man #1: You're probably right.
--75th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Stephanie
...Think That Makes Me Gay?
Awkward tall man: A pigeon hit me in the chest today.
Attractive woman: That's because your chest is where most people's heads are. It was attacking.
Awkward tall man: Yeah, but it just stimulated my nipples a little bit.
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Fatericbana
Forever to Be Known As the Inventor Of the Banana Schweppes
Guy: Awww, man, did you hear? Billy's in the hospital!
Girl: Oh no! What happened?
Guy: He only ate bananas and pop for like two weeks straight.
Girl: Shit, that sucks. Poor Billy!
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Everything They Know About Harlem They Learned from Denzel Washington Movies
Ozzie #1, leaving bar: We should like, go to church tomorrow.
Ozzie #2: Like in Harlem?
Ozzie #1: Yes! Church there is awesome!
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: AgnosticLocal
What Happens to Hugh Hefner's Exes, 20 Years Later
Girl #1: Wow, the Easter Bunny stuffed animals are on sale.
Girl #2: Let's buy some for your sister.
Crazy lady: You can buy one bunny. You can buy lots of bunnies! And then they'll take you away!
--Duene Reade
Overheard by: Bunny Attack?
Wait 'Til They Have Their Sex Conversation
Five-year-old kid: What's that?
Mom: That's baseball. Like on a Wii but in real life.
--Central Park & E 96th St
...First Of All, I Find That Incredibly Heteronormative...
Hobo to college graduate in cap and gown: Oh yeah boy! You got it going on! I bet you get all the bitches!
College grad: Well...
--Penn Station
And a Whole Slew Of "Uncles"
Italian teen #1: Why don't we just wait in line like everyone else?
Italian teen #2: Cause we aren't like everybody else. We have fathers!
--W 3rd & Sullivan St
Overheard by: Ronnie
Chastity, How Did You Get So Smart?
Tween girl #1: Where did the term, "horny" come from?
Tween girl #2: Because when guys are horny, that's what their dicks look like. Horns.
Tween girl #1: Then how come we use the word for chicks, too?
Tween girl #2: Because their nipples get hard and look like horns! God, you're so stupid!
--Central Park
Arby's Is Hilarious
Boyfriend: Who tried to poison me twice already?
Girlfriend: Hehehe... that was funny.
--26th St & Lexington
I've Barely Even Raped and Pillaged!
Lady selling comedy tickets: Come on guys, have the last laugh before the weekend ends!
Guy in pirate costume: No! It can never end!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Emm
Disco Only Smells Like It Died
Sanitation worker to hobo with cart full of bags: You going to throw them away?
Hobo: Naw, I'm gonna go and do my hustle.
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
...Do It-- Here's My Insulin Kit
Stoner #1, eating ice cream: Man, I want to eat a oatmeal-raisin cookie. With chocolate chips. Inside a chocolate chip brownie.
Stoner #2: Shit, man.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: yum
Is That an Ethnic Slur? Discuss.
Old codger #1: McDonald's are a lot safer now, cops to go them.
Old codger #2: Yeah, probably to get McFlurrys.
--D Train
Overheard by: JDRK
Junk Food, If You Follow Me
Boy #1: What's up with you two, anyway?
Boy #2: I mean I should just break up with her, because at this point I'm just using her for food.
--NYU Library
How Ron Jeremy Learned to Auto-Fellate
Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry.
Dad: (ignores him)
Five-year-old son: Daddy, I'm really hungry!
Dad: Well, then eat your head!
--87th & 1st
...Is That Why You Make Me Wear Dresses?
Woman, clearly winding up a long rant: ...and that's why I don't need no fuckin' man in my life!
Toddler son: Mmmmmhmm, mommy.
--Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie Naum
Because Postal Workers Are Legendary for Having Such Great Senses Of Humor
Post office dude: Where is this going to?
Chick: Germany.
Post office dude: Is there anything hazardous to your health in there?
Chick: Uh no, just magazines. And well, some of my hair that's stuck to that tape on the package as well.
Post office dude: Oh, I don't know what customs has to say about that. They will have to deal with that. But wait, I will check.
Chick: That was a joke! I'm not sending hair!
Post office dude: What, but you just said...
Chick: Wow. It was a lame joke! You can literally see half of my scalp under that tape. I tried to cut it with my teeth and and some of my hair got stuck under it... Nevermind!
Post office dude: Ugh. $16.56, please.
--Post Office, Brooklyn Heights
Strangely Enough, It Was to Lucky Cheng's
(train is crowded, and moaning can be heard. Once the car empties, two six-foot-tall trannies can be seen)
Tranny #1: (moans sexually while caressing poles)
Tranny #2 to random man exiting train: Where are you going, bitch?!
--1 Train
On eHarmony, No Less.
College girl #1: For two people who've been together for so long, Jen and Mike really haven't done much in bed. She was so surprised to hear how far I went with Steve.
College girl #2: I thought they've had sex?
College girl #1: Yeah, but he's never seen her boobs!!
College girl #2: They had sex and he's never seen her boobs? Nate has seen my boobs--does that make me a whore?
College girl #1: Steve has seen my boobs too...
College girl #2: Who is more of a whore?
College girl #1: Me--definitely me.
College girl #2: I don't think so.
College girl #1: Let's have a competition.
College girl #2: I met him over the internet!
College girl #1: Oh yeah! You win.
--Union Square
Which We'd Said Many Times Before, in a Slightly Different Context...
Middle-aged frat boy #1: So one night, we decided to sleep at Arby's.
Middle-aged frat boy #2: So how did that work out for you?
Middle-aged frat boy #1: Not well. We had to leave. Bob could have blown like a .4, and he was the most sober of us. So he drove to this hotel, and we didn't notice until the next day that it was Punxsutawney where the groundhog is! We woke up and were like, "why are there all these beavers?"
--7 Train
Overheard by: D-Law
You Really Don't Want to Read Weird Endearments from Your Friends
Ghetto kid #1: Yo, bro, stop textin' me!
Ghetto kid #2, across the street: Bro, I'm not tryin' to text you, I'm tryin' to text my bitch, but your number is right under my bitch's number, so when I'm tryin' to text my bitch, I text you instead!
Ghetto kid #1: Bro, just stop textin me!
Ghetto kid #2: I'm tryin' to text my bitch!
--94th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: NOT his bitch either
Hey, Who Took Whom to a Musical?
12-year-old boy to older brother, as they leave the theater: I liked that! I loved the ending! What'd you think!?
Older brother, shrugging: Eh, it was okay, I guess.
12-year-old boy: No! It was great! I was really rooting for the wicked witch!
Older brother: Dude, you're so queer.
--Wicked Theatre
Sarah Jessica Parker Has Never Cared About That
Brunette meeting up with friend: Hey. You know your outfit is hideous?
Blonde: Yeah, I know.
--Manhattan
...Now That You've Warmed It for Me.
Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.
--Madison Sqaure Park
Overheard by: Anniemal
Meanwhile Her Ghost Will Be Right Here, Reading Me Stories.
Woman to ten-year-old daughter: And then we'll go to the cemetery to visit nana.
Four-year-old son: Can I come to the cemetery, too?!
Woman: No.
Four-year-old son, defiantly: Well, you're not going to see nana anyway. You're just going to see her grave!
--59th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Rachel C.
Why You Shouldn't Teach Little Kids About Fascism: Explained.
Yuppie father: You will learn Italian.
Four-year-old daughter, yelling: Noooo! I wanna have fun!
Yuppie mother with French accent: But you had fun learning French! You will have fun learning Italian.
Four-year-old daughter: Nooooooooo!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Ah, the Circle Of Life
Drunk 20-something girl: Can I get fries for four dollars? I have four dollars. I need fries.
Waiter: No.
Sober 20-something homeless guy: I'll buy you fries.
Drunk 20-something girl: Oh my god, you're such a lifesaver. Do you want some weed?
--Diner, 14th St & 6th Ave
Also Because You're Wearing Short-shorts and Rollerskates
Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?
--The Loop, Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: octopus
Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice... There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.
--4th & 7th
Just Spit Like I Do, It's Only Bad If You Swallow...
Brunette, looking at menu: What's cream sauce?
Blonde: I don't know, but I feel like it's really bad for you.
Brunette: Yeah, you're right. I'm getting fries.
--Cafeteria, Fordham University
Headline by: Derek
Runners-Up:
· "America's Obesity Problem:" - catsandgnomes
· "Freshmen 15 Here I Come!" - james
· "Potatoes Are a Vegetable, Right?" - Skug Skellum
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Calling the Fashion Police!
(horsey tourist girl walks right into tiny fashionista in giant Chanel sunglasses)
Horsey tourist girl, screaming: Was that really necessary?
Tiny fashionista, confused: You're the one who ran into me.
Horsey tourist girl, still screaming: There are 50,000 people in this city. Learn how to walk.
Tiny fashionista, calmly: Eight million, actually.
(horsey tourist girl stomps off)
Tiny fashionista, yelling after her: Your shoes are ugly!
--50th St & 5th Ave
That's 15 Seconds Of Reading Time I'll Never Get Back
Teen boy #1, dressed in leather biker jackets and combat books: I've done nothing for days except drink beer and smoke pot. I drink, and I smoke, and I drink, and I smoke, and then I get on the train. To go drink and smoke.
Teen boy #2, wearing same outfit: I know.
Boy #1: But I've got to enjoy it now, you know? When I turn 18, everything is going to change.
Teen boy #2: Dude, totally.
Teen boy #1: When I turn 18, I'm either going to get a car, get a really big tattoo, or get a girlfriend.
Teen boy #2: Really?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, totally. It's going to be way different.
Teen boy #2: What kind of car?
Teen boy #1: Something cool. Maybe a Toyota Corolla or something. I want to be able to go to New Palz whenever, you know? And hang out with my crew up there.
Teen boy #2: New Palz is so cool.
Teen boy #1: I know.
--F Train
Girls Never Make Passes/ At Boys' Shitty Asses
Guy: So then he put my Speedo on his head and I was like "Dude! That was from the dirty basket!"
Girl: Gross! Did he get pink eye?
Guy: No?
Girl: I heard that if you get poop in your eye you get pink eye.
Guy: I don't poop in my Speedo!
--Times Square
Overheard by: oh?
Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner
(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!
--M101 Bus
(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!
--Union Square
Overheard by: I Looked Away
Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!
--Q Train
Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.
--30 Rock
Overheard by: MusicMagGirl
A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners
Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.
--108 St & Broadway
Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out--and this is really weird--in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!
--17th St & 8th Ave
Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike
Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Green Star
10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!
--Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick
Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: H-Bomb
Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners
Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon.
--Barnard College
Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: John David
Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention--niggas be instigatin!
--Nassau & Fulton
Overheard by: Tigertail
First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: bunbury
Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right?
--70th & Broadway
Wednesday Two-Faced Liners
Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.
--New York Sports Club
Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.
--Columbia University
Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Next urinal
Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.
--Harlem
Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!
Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!
--Baruch College
Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz
Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike.
--Marymount School
White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil?
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: kdice
Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad?
--F Train
Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!"
--5th Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: manhattman
Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!"
--B61 Bus, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tastypaper
Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great.
--F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Call It "Direct Marketing"
Guy selling city maps, singing to beat of nearby music: Who needs a map? Who needs a map? It's not a trap!
--Central Park
Ghetto guy selling knockoff perfumes on street: Don't ask me where I got em' from, just get em' before the police come. I got DKNY, my mami J.Lo... Get em' folks! Get em'
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Alli
Street vendor to customer examining knockoff purses: Hurry it up. I need money.
--Madison & 59th St
Overheard by: Jennifer
Wannabe hip hop artist: Y'all like hip hop? Please look at my CDs. Miss, you have a beautiful forehead. Please buy my CD.
--Times Square
Guy handing out fliers: Hey! You guys like vagina?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Brett
Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners
Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!
--Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn
Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?
--1st Ave & 3rd St
Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here... It'll be like Maury Povich.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: NOT the father
Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.
--Q64 Bus
Overheard by: a people-grower
Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.
--Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: Jenn
Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?
--2 Train
Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."
--84th Drive, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners in Elbow-Patch Blazers
Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.
--Fordham Universityy
Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.
--Yeshiva University
English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return... just like a good walk.
--Hunter college
Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.
--Fordham Law School
Overheard by: EntertainedStudent
Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom... usually.
--NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Have Room in Their Closets Anymore
Gay guy to friend: I woke up this morning with a condom hanging out my butt. Was that you?
--Madison Square Park
Gay 30-something: Ugh, Borat quotes are like the UGG boot of conversation.
--Broadway & Spring
Really gay guy to friend: You don't know about the Holy Trinity? It's Liza, Judy and Barbra!
--Fort Washington Ave. & 183rd St
Overheard by: RED
Flamboyant gay: My hair's too straight. I need to gay it up a bit.
--Bryant Park
Flamboyant guy: My life in New York has been more fabulous than I ever thought! I almost hit Elaine Stritch with a car this weekend!
--W 18th St
Overheard by: Dan Friedman
Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary
Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."
--Central Park
Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!
--Duane Reade, Flushing
Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.
--2nd Ave & 9th St
Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit... She wanted my shit!
--6 Train
Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!
--84th St & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-Liners Support a Woman's Right to Shoes
Dude looking at girl shoes: If I were a chick I'd wear the ugliest shoes, I swear.
--5th Ave
Woman on phone call with son's teacher: I know he's in the big boy group, but if you see he put his shoes on the wrong feet again, could you just let him know, please?
--57th St & Madison
Four-year-old girl: My toes are in my shoes!
--Bus
Overheard by: vcstr
Girl, with pride: I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue, and so are you!
--F Train
Overheard by: Ofelia Hiney
Gay guy to friend: Oh, c'mon, at its best, The Wizard of Oz is just a story about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Paul N.
"Young Adult" Wednesday One-Liners
Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.
--Joralemon & Court
Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty... uh... eight.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Chuckell
Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!
--B7 Bus
Overheard by: i know, i love it too...
Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Eric
Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live--without someone taking care of me.
--F Train
Overheard by: Jason B
Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!
--Manhattan Office
Meet the Guy Who Makes the Subway Doors Open
Crazy ranting black guy: My divinity is hot... my arrows can block the clouds. I wanna be the Imperial Leader for all time. My lizards will rule everyone. If y'all do what I say, things'll be fine.
Annoyed black lady, as he continues ranting: Whatever they gave him, it was too much. Oh my god! Why we gotta deal with this shit? Economic crisis and all, and still gotta deal with crazy people!
Crazy ranting black guy: Son, I open doors. Try to clap your heels three times and open doors like me--you can't do it! In prison, in the hood...
Annoyed black lady, now yelling: Why pick a train? Why not go to the hood like you say? Go to wherever you started that shit and deal. You need a therapist for real!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tigertail
What If I'm Not Fresh?
Ginger boy to female friend: Next time we get drunk, can I fuck you in the armpit?
Female friend: That would be awkward.
--Juniper Valley Park
The Defense Invoked by Pedophiles
Future soccer mom #1: Oh, our two-year-old's day care is very New York.
Future soccer mom #2: How so?
Future soccer mom #1: They have a yoga instructor in the afternoons and a French teacher comes at least once a week.
Future soccer mom #2: Well, that kind of exposure is important at that age.
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Izzy
Companies Find Hobo Marketing Extremely Cost-Effective
Female suit #1: God! These people are so, so, annoying!
Female suit #2: Totally. There are too many persnickety people in this world.
Female suit #1: Persnickety people!
Passing hobo: Exceptional cheese!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Alicia Morris
Premed Students Can Be Scary
Girl #1: How's your diet going?
Girl #2: Really good. I've been working out like crazy and I haven't had any water like all day.
Girl #1: Good for you. Water's like soooooooooo heavy.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: branbran
Heather Gave Sir Paul Exactly What He Wanted
Hobo to one-legged girl walking by: Damn you're sexy, even without that leg!
Bag lady: He wants you to fuck him with your nub.
--Thompkins Square Park
This Season, Neuroses Are the New Black
Brunette teenage girl: So I was doing my once-a-month therapy session and...
Blond teenage girl: I'm getting a therapist!
Brunette: Score! (they high five)
--Park Slope
That's What You Said When I Asked Who Your Art Teacher Was!
Three-year-old boy: Mommy, I want a little brother, let's get one.
Mom: You can't just go to the store to get a baby.
Seven-year-old girl: I know where babies come from.
Mom: Oh, man!
Three-year-old boy: From where?
Seven-year-old girl: God. God made everything, people and animals.
Three-year-old boy: Who's god?
Seven-year-old girl: I don't know, some dead guy who lives in heaven.
--Riverbank State Park
Overheard by: Darin
Though I Think at Some Point They're Legally Obligated to Stab Me
(a BMW is blocking the bus, people inside get restless)
Guy #1 on cell, speaking to everyone on bus: Hey! What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? (pause) Anybody?
Guy #2, after a moment of silence: What?
Guy #1: On a porcupine, the prick's on the outside! (laughs, then on phone) Yeah! I gotta entertain the people on the bus!
--Q25 Bus
Overheard by: jessika
By the Time Chastity Got HIV, She'd Stepped It Up to a BMW
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: What do you mean where was I last night?! Are you out of your damn mind? I took an Ambien and passed out at 9 pm! (pause) Yeah, you should be sorry, you asshole. I'll let you make it up to me with a new iPod for Christmas. (pause) No, the blue one! Ugh. I have to go back to work, but there better be an apology e-mail waiting at my desk.
Shocked coworker: Lindsey, you were dancing with me on tables until 4 am!
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Obvious! But I can't tell my boyfriend that. Then he will definitely know I hooked up with that gorgeous Australian.
Shocked coworker: Wow. That's impressive.
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Oh, please. That's nothing. Wait till the Monday inquisition, when I'll have to step it up to an iPhone!
--Starbucks
...It Took Me Years in Therapy to Learn to Say That.
Disembodied gruff voice: Don't worry, people! Just give up and accept defeat.
Random woman: That's right. (a few seconds later) I accept my feet.
--Astor Place
How Shirley Temple Ended Up at the Party
20-something guy to female friend leaving house party: If you see Sophia, say hi to her. She's never been to our place before, so just let her know how to get in.
Female friend: I have no idea what she looks like!
20-something guy: She has curly hair!
Female friend, walking outside: I am so going to fuck this up.
--86th St & Lexington
...Making Shopping Lists in Your Head?
Gay boy: So have you guys ever had sex with someone you didn't want to?
Girl: Yes.
Gay boy: Like, they're fucking you and you're just laying there...
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: mezza
Another Thing Nobody Tells You About Childbirth
Girl #1: She smelled like vagina.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #3: No, she smelled like bloody vagina.
--Union Square
My Drywall Became a Wetwall
Teenage girl #1: So you Frenched a hole in your wall?
Teenage girl #2: Yes I did!
--14th St
I Was Just Being Agreeable
Overweight girl: Well, he obviously liked being fucked by me.
Skinny girl: It's cause you're fat.
Overweight girl: He did say he liked big girls. Whatever, I'm over him.
Skinny girl: Yeah, his dick was little anyways.
Overweight girl: And you know this... how?!
--SoHo
Overheard by: Katelyn Jones
She's Our New Supreme Court Justice?
Younger brother: What's her name again? I want to say Eddie Murphy.
Older brother: Whoopi Goldberg.
--W 20th St
New Yorkers Would Do Well to Develop a Command Voice
Obnoxious comedy club promoter: You guys like comedy?
Guy with voice like rolling thunder: No! No! No! (awkward pause) But thanks anyway.
Obnoxious comedy club promoter, stunned: That was aggressive.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Those guys get annoying!
There's Always the Internet
Red haired teen: Aw, they're sold out! We're not gonna get to see the naked people!
Mom: Don't worry, honey, we'll see them another time.
--Outside Al Hirschfeld Theatre
Just a Different Sort Of All-Girl Event
Pretty young woman #1: So, what's everyone doing for the dyke march tomorrow?
Pretty young woman #2: I'm going to Long Island for a baby shower.
--F Train
Well, Lesbian Pretty, Anyway.
Stuy guy: So the other day, one of my girlfriends saw me walking on the street with you, and that night she IMed me on AIM and---I think she's a lesbian but I'm not sure--she said "so I saw you walking with some pretty Asian girl today..." and...
Stuy girl: Wait what's her name?
Stuy guy: Antoinette.
Stuy girl: Oh. Did you give her my number?
Stuy guy: (inaudible)
Stuy girl: That's gonna be awkward because I'm already juggling like three other lesbians right now.
(a minute later)
Stuy girl: Awww! I'm pretty!
--Downtown 2 Train
Please Let Your Parents Be Axe Murderers
Man #1: Wow, this week sucked! I lost a few million dollars.
Man #2: Me too. I'm going to have to move back in with my parents.
--Park Ave & 39th St
Headline by: jon
Runners-Up:
· "How the Financial Crisis Brings Families Closer" - OfficeGirl
· "How the USA Became a British Colony Again" - BabakganoosH
· "We're All Trillionaires in Zimbabwe" - erak
· "What Happens in Vegas Stays in the Basement Eating Ramen" - kwisatzdan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ted Kennedy Also Had Sisters
Middle aged Latina to Latino boy, eating: Happy birthday! Look at you, surrounded by all these women on your birthday. You are going to be so nice when you grow up. You have five sisters. All the men in your family are grown up, and you got stuck with all the girls. So you're going to be so nice to girls when you get older. Right?
(boy is silent)
Middle aged Latina: Right?
(boy is silent)
Middle aged Latina: You're going to be nice girls when when you grow up, right?
Latino boy: Yeah, sure! Whatever!
--McDonald's
Overheard by: Didn't quite turn out that way
And How Drunk Are You?
Guy, singing: "I want to be a part of it/ New York/ New York..."
Passing woman: Where the fuck are you from?
--38th & 7th
Overheard by: Agrees with woman
If They Could Erect Things That Quickly, Wouldn't the Freedom Tower Be Built by Now?
Ghetto girl #1: What are you staring at?!
Ghetto girl #2: That wasn't there before.
Ghetto girl #1: What?
Ghetto girl #2, very seriously: The Empire State Building!
--34th & 6th
I Personally Am Hooked on Squarfonics
Gay guy: Hey look, the Union Square sign is broken. It says "Squarf." "Squarf" sounds like a verb.
Female friend: I got squarfed until I bled last night.
--Union Square
Overheard by: David
These Are Halloween Costumes, Bobby.
Little boy in baseball uniform #1: We beat the Mets! We beat the Mets! We beat the Mets! We beat the Mets, right?
Little boy in baseball uniform #2: We didn't play the Mets.
--Governors Island
Wasn't He Val Kilmer in Top Gun?
Cute little four-year-old girl: Daddy, who was The Iceman?
Father, without hesitation: He was a serial killer.
Cute little four-year-old girl: Oh.
--Barnes & Noble
...For Your Information.
Suit: (bangs on information glass repeatedly)
Clerk, playing with his iPod: How may I help you?
Suit: Can I exchange my expired MetroCard?
Clerk: See the sign says "information only"? Go across the street.
Suit: So what are you here for? To play with your iPod?
Clerk: I deserve my job.
--R Train
Overheard by: Danchik
...Being Totally Confused About "Scratch 'n Sniff"
Suit #1: So I don't get it: if he got her a card, why is she mad.
Suit #2: (muffled reply)
Suit #1: He did what?
Suit #2: She was getting ready to go out and he lodged the card in the crack of her ass...
--Pen Station
You Start with Just One, but It Becomes Hobbitual
Girl #1: Do you think you'll go on another date with him?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm like addicted to hobbits!
--W 20th St & 6th Ave
And They Always Get Drunk and Abrasive When We Go Clubbing
Greenpeace guy: Hey! Do you care about the environment?
Angry student: No.
Greenpeace guy: How about polar bears?
Angry student: No.
Greenpeace guy: Well, why not?
Angry student: They're not tasty.
--Outside Columbia University
...But It Gets Blown a Lot.
Tall, hot hipster brunette: I mean, when I see girls flocking around him when he's DJing I just think "oh, they are DJ whores."
Little Asian friend: Uh-huh.
Tall, hot hipster brunette: But this girl has never seen him DJ or anything. I don't get it. It's beyond my level of comprehension.
Little Asian friend: It's okay, me too.
Tall, hot hipster brunette: It's like he has a slut whistle and we cannot hear that frequency.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: muffin
And Yet He Ruined the 2000 Election
Good Samaritan, rushing in: Chad told me to ask you for your first aid kit. Do you know Chad? Some lady got hit by a taxi!
Cashier: Yeah, he's our boss.
(they leave with kit, cook returns a few minutes later)
Cook: Yo, Chad's a hero. That woman's head was in a pool of blood. She's gonna need more than that first aid kit.
Cashier: It would be a guy named Chad who stops to help someone laying in the street. Most people see that and say "Yo, I gotta get to work." You never see an Omar or Carlos stop to help someone. It would be a guy named Chad!
--Zen Burger, 45th & Lexington
Overheard by: - My friend Chad is serving in Iraq and is a hero too!
It's Not 'Tried As an Adult'?
MoMA tour guide: What's the first word you think of when you see this painting?
Teen guy #1: White lollipop.
Teen guy #2: Yo, that's my nickname!
--MoMA
Overheard by: jamie
I Almost Enjoy Putting Up with Her Crap
Boy stumbling in: Yo, then I pulled out...and she shit on my foot.
Friend: Was she hot, though?
Boy: She was 200...180 pounds. Whatever...whatever floats your boat, am I right?
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: CMAC ATTACK
It Is My Crowing Achievement to Date.
Male Mets fan, when Tatis is at bat: Let's go, titties!
Female Mets fan: My son calls him that, ever since he heard a fan scream that at him last year at Shea. He goes, "titties, titties!"
Male Mets fan: Yeah, that was me!
--Citi Field Stadium
Overheard by: major
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