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Even If It Is a Chicken Suit
Hot girl #1: You've gotta admit, you have some weird kinks.
Hot girl #2: Hey, if you can rock a suit, you can rock my world.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Amen
I'm Pretty Sure That Makes You the Messiah!
Girl #1, in bathroom stall: Oh my god! I just peed for like 2000 years.
Girl #2, in another stall: Wow, that means that you're like 2000 years older.
--Phoebe's, Bowery & E 4th
Overheard by: wow, that's old.
My Dentist Told Me When He Filled My Teeth With Jelly
Hobo to couple: Right, right, so you take a donut, put it where it don't belong. Like in a tree. Now you got a tv. Take a cream cookie, wipe it on your mustache. Now you got a tv. I would put a chocolate cookie in the middle of a donut.
Woman: Oh my, where did you learn all this?
--Staten Island Ferry
Many Girls Get Peer-Pressured Into Lesbianism by Straight Friends
Chick #1, pointing at random person: Your team!
Chick #2: My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: Huh? My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: No, what? My team?
Chick #1: Your team.
Chick #2: Oh. My team.
--TKTS
Um, Didn't He Once Throw a Phone at His Assistant?
20-something girl, holding SpongeBob Square Pants playing cards: Look at the cards I'm getting!
Friend, shrieking and shaking: But I hate SpongeBob!
Woman, walking by: Why? He's nice.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Anna
More Like a Subscript Two
Mom to little boy: Did you go number two?
Boy: I did! It was so little!
--Train, Grand Central
Overheard by: He has so little to get excited about.
Does That Line Still Work, Mr. Stallone?
Man: I need the number for an ear doctor.
Woman: An ENT?
Man: Yeah, an ENT.
Woman: Why? What happened?
Man: In '86, I got hit in the head with brass knuckles.
--6 Train
Although I Guess Celebrating 4/20 Is Close Enough
Blonde: I love Cinco de Mayo!
Friend: Any excuse to drink is fine with me!
Blonde: Did you know that it's Mexico's Independence Day?
Friend: Doesn't everyone?
Blonde: I didn't. I just think it's so funny, because we don't even celebrate America's Independence Day.
Friend: What?
--Town Tavern
Overheard by: TJ
The Global Pussy System Stands Ready to Fulfill Our Most Deviant Desires
Frat boy #1: Dude, let's get some pussy!
Frat boy #2: Where?
Frat boy #1: Use your GPS!
--4th St & MacDougal St
...Is "Thomas's" a Country in Europe?
Middle aged woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find English muffins?
Teen employee: All the muffins are in that aisle over there, but I don't know where they are from.
--Waldbaums Supermarket, Bayside
Unless There's a Downside I Don't See
Woman #1: You totally should get knocked up by him. With the child support you'd get, you'd be set for life.
Woman #2: I know! Right?
--Gym, Columbia University
Overheard by: Alison R.
And Only I Am Escaped Alone to Tell Thee
20-something girl: You know what I miss? The 90s.
20-something gay guy: Oh, hell no, girl. Do you remember the hair? People had all that damn Aqua-Net left over from the 80s and didn't know what to do with it!
--NYU
Overheard by: Chris
Also How the U.N. Functions
Chick #1: And I was like "Whaaaat?" Yo! Uh-huh.
Chick #2: I'm sayin'!
Chick #1: That shit was like...
Chick #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Chick #1: You know what I'm talking about.
--8th St b/w 5th & University
Overheard by: manhattman
...If They Promise Not to Get Drunk and Dance on Tables Again.
Little boy in blue blazer and khakis: I'm having a party. You can come.
Little girl in flower dress: (keeps skipping rope)
Little boy: You can bring your Lego people!
--25th St & Broadway
Does Hallmark Make a Card for That?
Middle-aged woman #1: Do you still see Paul and Adira?
Middle-aged woman #2: Well, I could call them any time.
Middle-aged woman #1: But then you'd have to have a relationship with them.
Middle-aged woman #2: It's not that I don't want to have a relationship with them...
(pause)
Middle-aged woman #1: But you don't want to have a relationship with them.
Middle-aged woman #2: Exactly.
--Columbus Circle
"Twats on Broomsticks"? I Think We've Found Our Band Name!
Girl #1, before movie: I don't even know what this movie is about.
Girl #2: I told you already--it's based on these books, they're kind of like Harry Potter, except with vampires.
Girl #1, after movie: That was nothing like Harry Potter. Harry Potter is twats on broomsticks. That was softcore porn.
--AMC Loews
Ever Imagine a World in Which the Subway Does Not Exist?
Drunk girl: Are you too drunk to drive?
Drunker girl: Fuck you. Indeed I am.
(she drives off)
--Matsumoto Inc.
Not All Of Confucius's Sayings Are Gems
Girl shopping for vegetables: What's the difference between these two kinds of broccoli rabe?
Asian farmer: One is Chinese broccoli rabe. It's more sweet. The other kind is bitter.
Girl: Why are some of them yellow and some of them green?
Asian farmer: That's just different names, like how some mens is short and some mens is tall.
--Fort Greene Farmers Market
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Your Boyfriend Must Be Incredibly Sexually Frustrated
30-something guy: Don't tell me you have a boyfriend, I know that's not true.
20-something girl: Actually, I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say "I don't do dick." But cool, have a nice day! (smiles and leaves)
--Grand Central Shuttle
Spencer Pratt, Is That You?
Passer-by to hobo: Nice chair!
Hobo: Why, thank you, I'm a professional bum.
--5th Ave & 22nd St
American Puritanism Is Alive and Living in Queens
Middle aged man: He's had trouble since the accident.
Middle aged woman: Yes, he's very intelligent. He just can't get it up.
--Astoria
Nothing a Little Duct Tape Can't Fix
Man: Virginity is a state of mind.
Woman: I beg to differ. My hymen has been ruptured.
--Brooklyn Lyceum
Pee-wee's Word Of the Day: "Whores!"
Suit #1: We need to come here more often and find some whores.
Suit #2: Yeah, whores are everywhere around here.
Suit #1: You always have to pay for whores with cash, it's when you use a credit card that they catch you.
--Marriot on Broadway
I'm Hoping TV Will Also Tell Me What I Should Do Next
Young woman #1: I just had a kid.
Young woman #2: You did?
Young woman #1: Yeah, that's why I'm all blowed up.
--14th St & Ave B
Can I Interest You in Some Sausage?
Drunk girl to random sober guy: Bacon! My hands are like bacon!
Sober guy: What are you, drunk?
Drunk girl: Just very, very, very hungry.
Sober guy: Proceed.
--NYU
Ladies and Gentlemen, Our Future.
Girl #1: I hate my life! I need to go out there! Like drive to Hawaii!
Girl #2: You can't drive to Hawaii, you don't even have a license!
--Bedford & N 8th
Overheard by: Bklynguts
What's Your Feeling on HIV, Then?
Hipster girl: I didn't know you smoked.
Hipster guy: Yeah. I know it's bad for me, but I really don't want to be old.
--Broadway & Broome
Don't Fag Hags Have to Take a Course on Such Things?
Gay guy #1: Well, I was fed up with Maria. I told her that the conversation was over. I said, "girl, this is it. You better stop this or I will cut you." Like "I know where you live, girl. You better watch your back."
Annoying Latina, laughing: Well, you better be careful if you go and cut her. I think she might have Aids.
Gay guy #2: Say what?
Gay guy #1: Okay, what?
Annoying Latina: Yeah, well, it's okay cause not all Aids are bad.
Gay guy #1: Girl, what are you talking about? Aids is Aids!
Annoying Latina: Yeah, but there's those people that live with it. Its not that bad.
Gay guy #2: Okay, girl, then you go get Aids and tell me how that goes.
--13th St b/w University Ave & Broadway
But I Was Going to Take You to a Comedy Show!
Comedy guy promoter to young JAP: Comedy show! Comedy show! Hey, do you like comedy?
Young JAP: Um... no.
Comedy guy: Come on, they're funny... just come!
Young JAP: Umm... no.
Comedy guy: Fine, don't come. But do you like tall skinny white men? Wanna go on a date?
Young JAP: Again: umm... no.
--14th St & Broadway
Headline by: Kelly Combs
Runners-Up:
· "Feigned Hesitation Is the Cruelest Of the Sarcastic Arts" - Aaron
· "How About Puppies? Everyone Likes Puppies!" - CJ
· "JAP Has No Sense Of Humor, Film at 11" - samson
· "She Actually Just Has a Rare Form Of Tourettes..." - Molly
· "What About Money?! I Bet You Like That!" - Zak Santucci
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Psh, Girls Do That All the Time
College guy, running away: I wasn't cheating! That's how you play hide-and-seek!
Girl, running after him with baseball bat: You can't hide home base!
--North Woods, Central Park
Ever Feel Like Your Whole Life Is One Big Prelude to an Adult Movie?
Indecisive girl at DiPaola's turkey stand: I'd like some... hot... Italian...
Guy selling turkey, eagerly: Yes?
Indecisive girl: Sausage.
--Fort Greene Farmers Market
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Just Like I Sensed When You Turned That "Douchebag" Corner
NYU college grad #1: Yeah, makes you think about the future.
NYU college grad #2: Don't worry. We know each other pretty well so I'll sense if you're turning into a prick.
--Bobst Library, NYU
Wednesday Will One-Liner Anything That Moves
50-something actress: I'm one of the founding sluts.
--Chelsea Studios
Overheard by: Joshy Sweetpants
Guy on cell: That's what I said: I fucked him, but I'm not attracted to him.
--81st & Columbus
Overheard by: Flooey
Adorable seven-year-old kid on bike: She liked it. Ashley liked it. Ashley's a whore.
--Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Nathalie & Noah
Girl on cell: Well, I'm in a different place now. Now I'm a slut.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Teenage girl on cell, beaming, as if she just had a revelation: Oh, I forgot you're a whore! (yelling triumphantly) You're a whore!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emilia
200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.
Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful.
--Lehman College
Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word.
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live!
--Outside of Guggenheim
Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time... but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa
Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies.
--J Train
Guy: That's the new American dream--fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.
--Fundraising Walk, Battery Park
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Only a Mother Could Love
Woman to another: I mean, about the thing... he is ugly but at least he get it up!
--Abingdon Square Park
Man to friend: Ugly people aren't people!
--10th St & 5th Ave
Suit: Yeah, I couldn't deal with the paparazzi. I once saw a picture of Katie Holmes with a pimple, and now I think she's the ugliest person I ever saw.
--Governors Island
Overheard by: Natalie
Girl to guy friend: I cannot believe you volunteered me like that! I'm going to start volunteering you to people... unattractive people. Like Leroy*.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Bus driver on packed bus: Okay, everybody, we need to reorganize the bus. Can all the good-looking people move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly-looking people move to the front? Thank you.
--M86 Bus
Overheard by: Michael
Wednesday Undie-Liners
Woman on cell: Okay, but this time please stay out of my underwear drawer.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Jess
Overconfident guy: I know, I know. You say you have a 3.7 at NYU Law, and the panties just drop.
--Dorm, NYU Law
Overheard by: holdingbacklaughter
Little old lady on park bench to another: Well, I've been stuffing my bra now, and now I can't find my money.
--Central Park West & 63rd St
Overheard by: Jen
Woman: My dog only eats my underwear. He doesn't eat my son's. He doesn't eat my husband's. Only mine! I wonder why. (pauses to think) Hmm... it must be that feminine smell.
--E 40th St
Overheard by: TMI
Livid man on cell: No! You can't have your underwear back!
--Chelsea
Vanity, Thy Name Is Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to guy: And I was like, "He bleaches his asshole, what does he know about anatomy?"
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Seven-year-old girl to boy throwing mud at her: Watch it, Jakob! I wore eyeliner today!
--Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn
Very large woman on cell: It's called "Brazilian wax job." You only have to do it like every two weeks. Yep, it itches for a day or two, but it's worth every penny.
--PATH
Overheard by: Corey
Young lady with long curly hair to girlfriend: So, I started drying my hair with paper towels recently.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: E-Man>Master of the UNIVERSE!
Outraged feminine gay guy to another: He's having his lips redone... again!
--8th Ave & 20th St, Chelsea
Overheard by: Evan
Woman on cell: Girl, I don't understand why you gotta put on all that makeup just to go for a colonic!
--Washington Heights
Come on In-- The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!
20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.
--A Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!
--Brooklyn
Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: totheworld
Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.
--Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: Burning Vegan
Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?
--CUNY Swim Class
Overheard by: obyun
"You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner"
Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.
--Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Sandy Riverside
Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Alex
Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?
--46th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Madeline
Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!
--1 Train
Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!
--1 Train
Beware Of Wednesday One-Liner
Girl on cell with dog in her bag: So I was just like "You're a friggin douche!" (pauses and looks in bag) Fuck! My asshole dog just shit in my bag! (takes dog out) Oh my god! It shit in my lap! It's everywhere! Help me, Dana!
--D Train
Overheard by: Hahahahaaaaa
Passerby to young woman tying up about 10 dogs, singing: Who let the dogs out? Who?
--E 90th St
Six-year-old girl to mother: And then I said, "Oh, Shihtzu!"
--Houston & Orchard
Overheard by: j
Man on cell: I mean, I don't want to compare her to a dog. But, I just don't want to pet that, if you know what I mean.
--E 4th St & Lafayette
Overheard by: amanda
Large scruffy man in deli apron, watching hot Latina: Woof! (pause) Sorry baby, it's just the dog in me. Woof!
--2nd Ave & 94th St
Fat man to female friend: I don't know that dogs are delicious. Rather, I know that pork is.
--Broadway & Chambers St
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Girl, pointing at Dachshunds: Look, Chihuahuas!
--Winter Gardens
Tim Gunn's Guide to Wednesday One-Liners
Mystical store clerk to very serious customer: Yeah, I went through like half the winter like without the appropriate headbands!
--Bookstore
Overheard by: teen
Older woman to younger woman: At least you're not wearing windpants anymore. That's an improvement right there.
--Bedford Ave & N 5th St
Middle-aged businessman to two others: In my life I've seen, at most, three people who look good in spandex.
--40th St b/w 5th & Madison Ave
Teen on cell: I think we're going to need something more supportive than a fanny pack.
--113th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
Fabulous hobo: Why does a homeless man wear couture? Because he wants to show off!
--Union Square
Wednesday Fatty-Boombalatty-Liners
Girls looking at pictures: He was mad fat, but he was a good ass baby.
--Uptown A Train
Guy walking through sea of sun bathers: There aren't even that many fat people here... That's good.
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: You're not skinny fat, no.
--East Village
Guy on cell phone: You mean you're not going to fatso's wedding!
--N Train
Overheard by: wasn't even invited
Female suit: Why the hell does Weight Watchers have so many big fat people working in their offices, anyway? That's so not inspiring!
--40th & Madison Ave
Guy on phone: You mean the really nice one? She got big? What do you mean by big? (pause) Oh. Well, she has an exceptionally beautiful face, man. Do the right thing.
--9th & 15th
Overheard by: Courtney
Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs
Professor, seriously: Were you involved in the jelly bean incident?
--Physics Hallway, Trinity School
Overheard by: Siena
CSR: Stale peeps are excellent! Now, that is one finely-aged peep.
--Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Man to friends sitting on bench: You either look at the girl or you look at the ice cream!
--Outside Sundaes & Cones, 10th & 3rd
Overheard by: The Girl Anonymous
Cheerful gift shop clerk on phone: So I got my peanut buttercups and then Anne* saw me on the street and came up to me, and punched me in the face and was all "Give me a peanut buttercup!" and I said "but there are only two in the package and I was saving one for Robert*!" Then she punched me in the face again!
--The Cloisters
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Greek waitress: Ice cream without whipped cream is like... girl without boyfriend!
--Diner, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself
History geek: You laugh, but where would you be without the 18th century? The 20th century, not the 21st, that's where.
--New York Historical Society
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little boy looking at book about Presidents: I see John F. Kennedy, and I see Abraham Lincoln, and I see... what's his name? Hilary's wife?
--BookCourt, Brooklyn
20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Beth!
Woman to daughter: You know what Henry VIII ruled with? He ruled with his dick!
--Penn Station
Teenage girl on cell, yelling: Victorian era lesbians! Not Edwardian! Lesbians weren't nearly hot enough in the Edwardian era! Yeah, we should probably watch it together.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: I really hope it's porn
...Have You Ever Seen Weekend at Bernie's?
Boy to girl: Hey, when you die, can I have your body?
Girl: To do what with?
Boy: Um...
--Cafeteria, The Bronx
Dad's Still Hoping for a Little Lesbian
Little girl, pointing at a bathtub full of candy balls: What are those, daddy?
Dad: Those balls are dirty.
--Candy Shop, 63rd St & 3rd Ave
...So I Yelled, "Shut the Fuck Up, Bitch!"
Teen girl to friend: So, she's banging on my door; banging and screaming and yelling...
Teen friend: Fo' real?
Teen girl: Yeah! So she's banging and screaming at me... I wanted to yell at her "Shut the fuck up!" but then I remembered that she was my mom.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Somsharp1
But I Eat You Anyway
Girl: And sometimes I just don't like seafood, you know?
Guy: Sometimes, I just don't like you.
--67th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Liz
...And a Warm and Hearty "Suck It" to Your Entire Family
Suit to woman blocking left side of escalator: Politely excuse me, could you move aside? (woman waves man around and keeps chatting on cell)
Suit, politely: Ma'am, you should stay to the right if you are standing.
(woman angrily waves, mutters)
Suit, pushing her past: Fucking cunt!
Woman, politely: Fuck you, bitch.
--WTC PATH Station
Overheard by: Mondo Man
Of Course, We're All Afraid She's Gonna Choke
Guy: She should be taking on an extra load now.
Girl: She should be taking everyone's load.
--PATH
The Difference Between a Kirstie and a Kardashian
Guy, trying to sneak past chubby girl behind counter: You gettin' fat?
Chubby girl: I ain't fat, I'm a fat-ass. There's a big difference.
--W 103rd St & Broadway
Or More Of a Leisure Activity?
Lawyer's, interviewing prospective jurors: Have you or anyone in your family been the victim of a crime?
50-something woman: Well, we've all been mugged... is that a crime?
--New York Supreme Court
Overheard by: Robin
Red Alert! RED ALERT!!
Cashier to woman hurrying towards exit: Hey! What are you doing?
Woman: What? I ain't done nothin'.
Cashier: Where's the bag of beer that was on this counter? You took it.
Woman: No I didn't! I didn't! I don't got no beer!
Cashier: Yes, you do. You have it. Now give it back.
Woman: I don't know what you talkin' about! (runs out the door, holding something under her jacket)
(older male employee walks in)
Man: What was that?
Cashier: She just stole from us, Mike! Follow her!
Man: Nah, calm down. It's not a big deal.
Cashier: She took your beer!
Man: What? (runs after her)
--Hallmark, Park Slope
Overheard by: Concerned
Ah, Melanoma, the Legendary Island Of Romance!
College girl #1: Yeah, I'll come back covered in mosquito bites and sunburnt, but I'll be the happiest camper.
College girl #2: That's okay. The burn will fade to a tan and you'll look gorgeous.
College girl #1: No, it won't. My burns never turn to a tan. I'm Irish: they turn to melanoma.
--E Train
Overheard by: Tara
Do I Look Like a Congressman to You?
Wasted yuppie dude: Officer, officer!
Cop: Yeah?
Wasted yuppie dude: That bouncer at Stan's?
Cop: Yeah?
Wasted yuppie dude: He's on fucking steroids!
Cop: So?
--159th St & River Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Matt
Because You Fear Her Power?
20-something guy #1: I don't need, like, a mansion, or a million cars, just a job that pays enough to live and get around and, you know, have a lot of clothes.
20-something guy #2: Dude, but then you get married and she takes all the money. I'm telling you, every paycheck goes right in her purse.
--Broadway & 87th St.
Overheard by: married for love
God, I Love New York
Elevator operator: What floor, please?
Old lady: Home, James.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
...Though He May Be the One I Just Blew in the Bathroom.
Gay man, getting off plane, to gay flight attendant: Hey, it's great to see you again!
Female flight attendant: Have you been here recently?
Gay flight attendant: Hell no, girl. I haven't been here in forever. I don't know who the fuck that man is.
--LaGuardia Airport
...But Could You Hold the Soup?
Dumb woman looking at Chinese takeout menu: Chicken and rice soup. What's in it?
Confused woman behind counter: Chicken and rice.
Dumb woman: In a soup?
Confused woman: Yeeaah. That's why it's called "chicken and rice soup."
Dumb woman: Okay, I'll have that.
--E 23rd St b/w Park Ave & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Janine
Raise Your Hand If You've Played Tetris 'til You Twitched Involuntarily
Girl: He had Tetris.
Guy: Tetris?
Girl: You know, when you twitch involuntarily.
Guy: Oh, you mean Tourette's syndrome!
--6 Train
He Has Premature Irrigation Problems
Girl: So why'd she break up with him?
Guy: Apparently, she didn't let him "tour her garden."
Girl: Not even a little?
Guy: She didn't even open the gate.
--Millennium High School
Can We at Least Agree That We Both Hate Freedom?
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
(repeated over and over)
--Marine Park, Brooklyn
That's Not a Lisp, It's Castilian
Smart girl: Well, he needs to check with his partner to see if we can have dogs in the apartment.
Hot guy: So, do you think he's gay?
Smart girl: No! He's Spanish.
--Pelham Parkway & Cruger Ave, The Bronx
Overheard by: Dazed and Confused
Some Fairy Godmothers Are Harsher Than Others
Bimbette #1: So then I found out he hooked up with Amy while I was peeing in the bathroom.
Bimbette #2: Did you still sleep with him?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, of course! Why should I let her have all the fun? I just don't know what to do now, though cause I feel like I had her sloppy seconds.
Random lady sitting in front of them: Girls can you shut the hell up already? I'm trying to enjoy a quiet train ride home. No one here cares who you slept with, we all know you're gonna be with a different guy next week, anyway.
(girls jump up and run out of train car, one in tears)
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Couldn't hold back the laughs
...But Good One.
Blind man: Alright, man, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Friend: You won't see nothing, you're blind!
Blind man: Shut up!
--23rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
That's Why Cities Are Comparable to Pop-Up Books
Obvious tourist #1: I love it when you step out of the train station, and it's like... Bam! City!
Obvious tourist #2: Yeah. City life.
--Amtrak Train
Overheard by: broken headphones
Headline by: limescentedguy
Runners-Up:
· "I Hear Prison's the Same Way" - time served
· "Or It's Like ... Bam! Gunshot!" - emeril
· "That's Not the City, That's Chuck Norris" - Matt M.
· "Then BAM! You've Been Mugged." - Fresca P.
· "Tourist, The Other White Meat" - Stick'em Up
· "Two Weeks Later They Finally Found Their Way Out Of Penn Station" - BabakganoosH
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...Then Take the 1 to the Bronx.
Tourist on shuttle headed towards Grand Central: I'm sorry, how do I get to Times Square?
Guy: Take this train two stops.
--Times Square
And Get a Professional Assessment Of the Area
Dude #1: Yeah, I'm talking about my scrotum.
Dude #2: Just to be specific.
Dude #1: My nutsack. (pause) Man, I gotta go back to that strip club.
--55th b/w 5th & 6th
According to the IRS
Gay man: I deserved it.
Hobo, jumping into the conversation: I deserve two dollars!
--East Village
Tiffani Never Did Get to the Part Where They Consumed It
Tween girl with whiskers painted on face: Did you hear what happened?
Tween friend: No, what?
Tween girl with whiskers painted on face: She pooped in a cup!
(both laugh hysterically)
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: sunny day.
What? Asshole?
Suit on cell, holding a bouquet of yellow roses: Yeah, I just bought my girlfriend some flowers because I fucked her sister.
Student, walking by: Nice job, asshole.
Suit, turning around with a smile: I know! You should try it some time!
--John St
Sometimes, We Don't Even Want to Know.
Guy #1: I mean, if it's a noose, it's better to have a drop than just hang there.
Guy #2: Yeah, no way, man.
Guy #1: On the other hand, if it's a meat hook, a drop would do some serious internal damage.
--W 35th & 9th
No More Late-Night Cinemax for You, Young Man.
Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says "Your boss called and said that you were fired." The man answers "Fuck him!", and the woman says "I did, and now you have your job back."
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!
--F Train
And If You're Really Good, We'll Do Some Lines Before Bed
Snobby housewife to six-year-old girl on toy bicycle: Do you want to share an iced coffee with me later?
Six-year-old: Yes!
--70th St & Broadway
Overheard by: whatever happened to ice cream as an incentive?
Annette's Mental Speed Is About the Same As That Of a Post Office Line
Man #1: Excuse me, do you know when this post office closes?
Woman: I don't know.
Man #2: I think it's open all the time. It doesn't close.
Woman: You mean it's open 48 hours?
--Post Office, 32nd & 8th
Overheard by: EthanK
...Vomit It Up, and Then Rent It Out at Outrageous Prices.
Middle aged man #1: Blah blah blah, global warming is bad, blah blah blah.
Middle aged man #2: I'm a landlord. I eat global warming!
--95th St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: shmilda
Which Expains Anglina Jolie
Man #1, in chaise lounge: Men and women have totally different criteria for attractiveness.
Man #2, also in chaise lounge: How so?
Man #1: A guy can look like a fucking bullfrog in a Beatle wig, but if he's charming and especially if he has money, women will be all over him.
Man #2: Yeah, especially if he has money.
Man #1: But let's say a really hot chick walked past us right now in a thong, and another woman says to us, "watch out for her, she's been in and out of mental institutions."
Man #2: We'd still want to fuck her.
Man #1: Exactly.
Man #2: Point well taken.
--Douglaston, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
Stephen Hawking: Um...
Man #1: This is it, Times Square!
Man #2: Oh, so is this where time started?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Zack
...Or at Least Strippers Dressed As Cops.
Teenage boy to friend: So when I was walking by the store I saw this guy being dragged out in handcuffs.
Friend: Shit, why didn't you call the cops or something?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: areyouserious?
Brooklyn's Always Been a Special-Needs Borough
Woman: I don't mean to be mean, but you know, kids who are... underdeveloped mentally?
Man: Oh, retards?
Woman, relieved: Yeah!
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Myrtle&Carlton
Professor: "Did You Bring Enough for the Whole Class?"
Professor to couple making out during lecture: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Guy: Oh sorry, one of our friends bet us 50 bucks we wouldn't make out during a lecture.
Guy in front of him to his girlfriend: We have got to get in on that!
--Fordham University
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