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Especially When the Bears Catch You Eating Their Porridge
Jamaican man, talking to himself: At the next stop I'm going to be white with blue eyes and blond hair.
Trashy, red-lipsticked middle-aged white woman with blue eyes and blonde hair: I can tell you from experience it's not all that.
--Downtown N Train
Overheard by: veronica
And the Rest I Just Use During Sexting
Girl, while texting: Cindy, this is so weird.
Cindy: What is?
Girl: My predictive text. My phone recognizes "intravaginal", "labradoodle," "hornswoggle" and "clusterfuck," but won't recognize "pomegranate" or "wildebeest!"
Cindy: Why would you need to use those words?
Girl: I like those pomegranate jelly beans my mom got from T.J. Maxx.
--M1 Bus
Says the Girl Who Vomited on the Cake?
Girl #1: I just feel bad because he's going to think I'm a total bitch because I kicked his friend at his birthday party!
Girl #2: Whatever! You can't worry about what other people think of you.
--C Line
The Wonderful Thing About Tigger Is Tigger's Wonderful Thing
Teen brunette: And no, you cannot stand up in a meeting for worship and announce that you slept with Tigger.
Teen blonde: Yeah. Quakers are liberal, but not that liberal!
--Grand Central
They Had to Lay Off the Gardener, Though, So I Felt Better
Girl #1: We went to her house upstate.
Girl #2: How was it? Is it nice?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's really nice.
Girl #2: Oh... Okay. So it's not like Sex and the City no air-conditioning? It's like hey, I have a tennis court?
Girl #1: Yeah, definitely... and a pool.
--Greene & Waverly
She Just Doesn't Want It Twice Because It Sounds Like Stuttering
Guy #1: She won't do it. She won't take my last name. It's really important to me. You just don't get it. It's the psychology of the thing!
Guy #2: You have the same last name.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Andrew S
Mmm, Minty!
Small child, pointing to douches: What are those, mommy?
Mischievous teen, intervening: Candy.
--Downtown CVS
1998 Called; It Wants Its Drunken Crooning Back
Conductor: The next stop on this train will be Valley Stream. Next stop, Valley Stream. And please, no singing Britney Spears on this train.
Crowd of beach teens: Awwwww!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mersayseh
A Septic Tank, but Still
20-something girl #1: Yeah, a guy's not so much a lady-killer when he drops the phrase "your boobs are so awesome!" without a hint of irony.
20-something girl #2: That's nothing. I once had a guy tell me my vagina was like a tank.
20-something girl #1, laughing: Are you serious?
--NJ Transit
I Found Your Memoirs, Mom
Hyper small child: I like standing up!
Sitting harried mother: Great.
Small child: Look! I'm twirling!
Harried mother: That's wonderful.
Small child: I know all about the world!
Harried mother: You are very smart.
Small child: I know all about science! I know all about geishas!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Now Who'll Sell Me My Necessary Painkillers?
African American middle-aged lady #1: So my neighbor said they are moving to Pennsylvania.
African American middle-aged lady #2: Yeah, I know people are moving there. It's to avoid the criminal element.
African American middle-aged lady #1: They are the criminal element!
--M1 Bus
But I Can Quit Smoking
Older woman: Smoking is a sin!
Young pretty girl, looking perturbed: Yeah? (takes a long drag) So is being ugly.
--54th & 3rd
Overheard by: LeatherJacket
...Who's Three Points Away from Getting His Hustling License
Girl #1: Yeah, but the more time I spent in New York, the more I realized it's just full of hustlers.
Girl #2, extremely emphatic: Oh, yeah! Everyone I know in New York is a hustler! (long contemplative pause)
Girl #2: 'cept my cousin.
--Jet Blue Plane Taking Off, JFK
Going Where People Don't Even Own Their Own Brownstones
Upper East Side mom #1: So then I go twice a week over to the JCC, and after I get back I take them.
Upper East Side mom #2, looking disgusted: You mean the JCC on the West Side?
Upper East Side mom #1: Yes.
Upper East Side mom #2: Oh my god! You are a dedicated mother.
--Dalton Physical Education Center, 87th & 3rd
Overheard by: West Sider
I'm Talking to You, Tom Servo!
Long Island teenage girl #1: Yesterday the train was so much more crowded. You couldn't find a seat.
Long Island teenage girl #2: I found a seat yesterday.
Long Island teenage girl #1: Ugh! I don't want to sit next to creepy guys (pause) that make fun of us.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Non-creepy guy, that makes fun of them
That Should Be on a Sign at the Airport
Tourist counting her group, which is clogging sidewalk: Carla? Has anyone seen Carla? Okay, Marie? Marie?
Passerby, interrupting: First, let me thank you for visiting our city. We appreciate it. Second, get out of the fucking way.
--Broadway & Canal
Is This Funny, Sad, or Both? Discuss.
Spoiled hipster girl: Yeah, like that time your mom borrowed my top to go clubbing.
Spoiled hipster boy: Well, I hope she got action in it!
Spoiled hipster girl: She did, I think she hooked up with some married man. That's why I have the money for the new top I'm getting!
--Urban Outfitters, West Village
...Or Am I Thinking Of 2001-2008?
Queer #1: Let's go see a movie.
Queer #2: Okay... What do you want to see?
Queer #1: Let's go see Milk.
Queer #2: Isn't that about a retarded man who becomes President?
--Cosi, 15th St
...Was It Someone Famous?
Gay guy: Where are we going?
Straight girl: Nowhere Bar. Have you been there before?
Gay guy: I don't think so. Oh no! Wait! Someone blew me there in college!
Straight girl: For the last effing time, I do not need to hear these things about my big brother!
--F Train
Every Rocky Movie, in a Nutshell
Dude #1: It's pretty easy to tell when he's depressed.
Dude #2: Oh, of course. He starts crying and doing push ups.
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
That's Like Taking It to Denny's!
Guy #1: So, she was eventually diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. No, not Stockholm syndrome... Munchausen by proxy.
Guy #2: Is that where you make your kid sick to get attention?
Guy #1: Yeah. I mean, who feeds their newborn feces? Who does that?
--21st St & 6th Ave
If You Like This Quote, You'll Love Gaby Hoffmann and Christina Ricci in 200 Cigarettes
Drunk suburban girl: Come on! Let's go dance around in the fountain and take pictures of it! I love this city!
Begrudgingly sober suburban girl: Fuck this city. If we don't make the 12:37 back I'm going to drown you in that fountain.
--W 48th St
He Thinks Outside the Box, and That's What I Love About Him
Ditzy runner #1: So I was like "did you use your juicer?" and he was like "yeah, but it went bad" and I was like "how did it go bad?" and he was like "well, I juiced a potato!"
Ditzy runner #2: A potato?
Ditzy runner #1, pleased with her story: a potato.
--Central Park, During JP Morgan Chase 5K Run
Why There Is No Market for Male Thongs: In a Nutshell.
Irate gangster, following a scared-looking passenger: Excuse me, sir, would you like a wedgie? Sir! Excuse me! Would you like a wedgie?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jane and Brian
They Both Cyberstalk Me Like Crazy Ex-Girlfriends
Guy: Pinkberry is right across the street from Red Mango.
Girl: That's awkward.
Guy: I know, I'm awkward about it.
--St. Marks Place
Let's See If He Comes Back, Okay?
Jew for Jesus, holding out pamphlet: Here, have one.
Woman: Hmm?
Jew for Jesus: It's about Jesus!
Woman: Oh, I'm not interested in him. I thought it was about Michael Jackson.
--The High Line
Overheard by: emily
Like a Celibate Priest With a Huge Dick
Tipsy attractive Asian lesbian to girlfriend: Oh, well. Actually, I just learned how to deep throat in December... Pretty awesome, once you get it down.
Tipsy, equally attractive girlfriend: My last girlfriend said she used to do it, too! Wow, men must hate me.
--Uptown 1 Train
Does That Connote Romance in the Gay Community?
Gay guy #1 to girl: I only say these things to you because I'm your best friend.
Gay guy #2: Bitch! I'm her best friend!
Girl: Great. Now you guys are totally going to fight for me.
Gay guy #1: I will fuck him up right here. That's how much I love you.
--14th St & 9th Ave
...Onstage!
Woman: Umm...I have to go. Sorry.
Creepster: It's okay, we'll meet in another life... As cats.
--McFadden's Bar, 42nd & 2nd
Frankly, You're Lucky I Don't Start Wanking It Right Here
Student: Wait so why is everyone switching to blue ray?
Professor: Because the film industry follows the porn industry. (pauses) That's the truth. That's where all the money is.
Student: (stares blankly)
Professor: What? It's a billion-dollar industry. I can't be the only guy who buys it.
Student: (stares horrified)
Professor: Fuck you. I have tenure.
--Tisch School of the Arts
Don't Make Me Do Math, Okay?
Guy #1: Yeah... she's bipolar.
Guy #2: Really? I thought she was straight.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Kat
The Definitive NYC Punch Line-- Along With "Vagina"
Asian girl: He's the kind of guy who sits at home drinking beer, plotting ways to date his cousins.
Friend: Well, maybe that's acceptable where he comes from. Isn't he from another country?
Asian girl: Jersey.
--22nd & 23rd
Overheard by: jack
English Is a Stupid Language, Amiga
White girl: Opera.
Salvadoran guy: Like the black chick?
White girl: No, that's Oprah.
--Lawton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Eric Frazier
Funny, That's What #96B269 Said.....
Excited girlfriend: Hey, are these soap bars?
Disinterested boyfriend: I don't know, why don't you drop one and find out?
--Bath & Body Works
Headline by: Harriet
Runners-Up:
· "And Nine Months Later..." - Junior
· "Dating Ex-Cons Has Its Drawbacks" - Mike
· "Part Of Bloomberg's "Clean Up the Village!" Program?" - Bobo D Clown
· "Prison Etiquette 101" - Kosi
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...Hint, Hint.
Duane Reade employee, pointing to back of store: You can't go in there, the floor's just been waxed.
Swaying drunk girl: So has my vagina, that doesn't mean people aren't allowed in there!
--Duane Reade
And It Looked Funny, 'cause They All Had Mustaches
Child: I turned on the channel and then mommy started yelling "no, no, turn it off!"
Mother: She found a porn channel.
Child: I liked it, because everyone was kissing.
--Penn Station
Except at the End You Shit Out a Baby
Ghetto girl: Jes-tay-shun! Gestation. What does that mean?
Ghetto girl's friend, thoughtfully: Like... Digestion.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Jess K.
"That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!"
Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.
--Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room
Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Kayla Monetta
Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."
--E 10th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: molina1230
Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.
--Brooklyn College
Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!
--8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Not hungry either
Wednesday One-Liners Make Partner
Crying woman in pink bathrobe and wet hair, as she chases pimp-looking male: I'm taking them to court. I'm taking those motherfuckers to court! I'm calling 1-800-lawyers!
--14th & 8th
Overheard by: Rebecca Meyers
Attractive female law student on cell: Whatever, he can feed me dinner. I know it's "unethical" or whatever...
--11th St & 5th Ave
Blonde Columbia Education School girl to friend: Isn't this supposed to be a graduate school mixer? Why aren't there any law school guys coming up to me?
--Havana Central, near Columbia University
Overheard by: I <3 Gold Diggers
Subway hobo: Yeah, thats right. (yelling) I'm gonna be the best judge this town has ever seen!
--6 Train
Overheard by: watching&waiting
Six-year-old girl walking up some wet slippery steps: If I slip, I'm gonna sue.
--33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Em
One Life to Wednesday One-Liner
Five-year-old boy to father: Is this an important life lesson?
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: A
Young Asian man to woman ignoring him: Hey, let's go get a falafel. Hey, hey--you live around here often?
--Union Square
Overheard by: serena
Woman, throwing McNuggets at man: Get the fuck out of my life!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Elliot
Frantic crazy guy: I'm gonna go have a seat in Starbucks and get my life together!
--6th Ave & 25th St
Overheard by: tbomb
Suit on phone: Well that's life, you screw people over and then you go to the Bahamas.
--Train into Penn Station
There Are No Small Wednesdays-- Only Small One-Liners.
Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!
--72nd & Columbus
Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Katy
Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.
--Victoria's Secret
Overheard by: Emm
Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend... He was my best man.
--Union Square
Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: TheMac
Wednesday One-Glove-Liners
20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!
--Pet Food Store
Overheard by: Nathalie
Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?
--8th & Broadway
Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?
--Chambers St. & West Broadway
Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.
--MacDougal & 8th St
Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.
--Canal & Orchard, Chinatown
Overheard by: Lauren T.
Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.
--Delancey & Essex
Nice Wednesday One-Liners Finish Last
30-something woman on cell: And then he says to me "you have a very nice placenta!"
--85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Whitney Simmons
Shoe shine guy to woman walking by: Nice boots! Nice hat! You sure got a lot of nice things, lady!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: CreateEvity
NYU girl on cell: Ew! Emma? I can't believe a guy is interested in Emma! I know she's nice, but that's just gross. I really just cannot believe anyone could possibly be attracted to her! She's so ugly!
--Washington Square Park
Enthusiastic Jewish lady in jury room: He's very nice! He's very nice! He's going to be a *happy* archbishop!
--Centre St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Three-year-old girl: Don't be sassy, mommy, daddy's being nice.
--Front St.
Overheard by: Aviva
Older black man to circle of friends: I'll bend her over a bench and stick it into her! You know--I'm a nice guy.
--Flatbush & Lincoln
Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey
Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.
--Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn
Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!
--Staten Island Ferry
Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!
--Chambers & West St
Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.
--25th St & 7th Ave
Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.
--Bleecker & Mercer
The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves
20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.
--Hudson Park Soccer Pitch
Overheard by: Kelli Jo
Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.
--7th Ave & 47th St
Overheard by: Oh no he didn't....
Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!
--4 Train
Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard's Obama.
--Kent Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Trekkie
Diner to companion: Since Obama's been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They're testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they're testing his gallstones.
--Teddy's Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ken Yapelli
Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)
--New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Aspire to Be Betty White
Old dog lady, smoking: Me, I've already been spayed.
--Dog Adoption Booth, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
Old woman to another: Darling, I didn't know your husband was still alive!
--Restaurant, Upper East Side
Elderly black woman, yelling to line of cars honking their horns for Puerto Rican Day parade: Get yo punk asses back to 5th Ave!
--Grand & Graham
Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk.
--12th & University
Overheard by: tbs
Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what... Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time.
--Union Square
Overheard by: letthesunshine
Every Wednesday One-Liner Has Its Price
Woman to another: She had one baby at her breast and another baby sitting next to her, trying to sell chicklets.
--10 Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: Jarrod
Young man to young woman: Sell it on the black market or give it up for adoption. That's basically your only two options.
--Grand St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Mike Posillico
Crazy woman to entire bus: My husband be given my money to all those hoes. That's why I gotta sell coffee. But at least I'm not sellin' my ass... (gets distracted by radio) Oh, this is a nice song.
--Bx15 Bus
Overheard by: Karly
Father of four, attempting herd jumping children on street: Okay, the next child that doesn't listen to me will be sold!
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dahouhou
Midwestern lady tourist to husband: Huh, Virgin. I wonder what they sell there.
--14th St, across Doomed Megastore
Overheard by: Not buyin what they're sellin
Wednesday One-Liners by Dr. Ruth
Woman to male companion: I told you about that guy I accidentally slept with, right?
--Bar at Sushi Samba, 7th Ave
Overheard by: David Russo
Girl to friend: Because it is more than just, sexual, you know? (pause) Well, actually, it's not, but...
--14th b/w 6th & 7th
Man to woman: You know Mesopotamian sex? That's me.
--Washington Square Park
Man walking dog on cell: My number one conquest since coming here was a 21-year-old Native American.
--27th & Broadway
Girl on cell: Mom, how am I supposed to have sex on a bed that has wheels?
--15th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Steve Hofstetter
Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I didn't finish, because I kept telling her about my girlfriend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her parents.
--5th Ave
40-something man: Just tell that landlord that you don't need no electricity or no cable because you gonna be makin' love all the damn time!
--14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: tracey
Do Wednesday One-Liners Measure Up?
Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later.
--89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben A
Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs."
--Court St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: iwn2000
Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole!
--Broadway
Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army...
--Millennium High School
Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!
--Central Park
Wanna Be King Of England?
Teenage boy #1: I don't know, man. I mean, she's hot, but...
Teenage boy #2: Dude, have you seen her? I would wring her socks out with my mouth.
--20th St., Windsor Terrace
Overheard by: Mel
...for That Smug Little "Even"
Bible thumper: I love you all... even you, sir.
Man: I hate you.
--A Train
Overheard by: SanjayU
I Guess I Just Wasn't Feeling Saucy!
Preppy fake blonde #1, coming out of gift shop: Well, you should have gotten the spaghetti!
Preppy fake blonde #2, coming out of gift shop: I didn't want the fucking spaghetti! And besides, my dad told me not to get the fucking spaghetti.
Preppy blonde #1: Wait a minute! Your dad said the f-word?
Preppy blonde #2: No! I just put that on for emphasis!
Preppy blonde #1: Well, that's false quoting!
(long pause)
Preppy blonde #2: That still doesn't explain why you didn't get the spaghetti.
--The Met
Overheard by: Kat
We Like to Call It "Subway Cooch"
Teen boy #1: I love the smell of the subway.
Teen boy #2: Why?
Teen boy #1: You know why.
--71st St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
And She Probably Didn't Know 'til He Told Her
Girl #1: He told her she was too fat?
Girl #2: Yeah, he broke up with her.
Girl #1: That's terrible!
Girl #2: Well, she did get kind of fat.
--Nail Salon, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel
For a Girl Named Brie, You Sure Don't Know Much
Running little kid #1: What kind of cheese do you like? Cheese or cheddar?
Running little kid #2: What's the difference?
--Knickerbocker Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
She'd Also Like Me to Be Straight, So Occasionally I Fuck Men with Really Small Penises
Young gay man: Once I have my one drug, which is how I get off, I go to my church club, which is where I have cocktails with Jesus.
Older female friend: Cocktails with Jesus?
Young gay man: My mother likes me to go to church... I make a compromise.
--L Train
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Had to Take Care Of a Baby
Girl #1: I want to wear adult diapers... So I don't have to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day.
Girl #2: But you'll have to go anyway, to change yourself.
Girl #1: Yeah... like once a day!
--CVS
...Where No Gentleman Ever Goes
Innocent friend: What's a gentlemen's club?
Random dude on street: A strip club!
--7th Ave b/w 42nd & 43rd St
Overheard by: LiD
Care to Join Me in a Little Picnic?
Gay man: How long have you been together?
Girl #1: No, we're best friends!
Gay man: Okay, then which of you is straight and which of you is the dyke?
Girl #2: We're both straight!
Gay man: So you both like dick? Well, that is a wonderful thing to like.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Well You're Flat-Chested, but Did I Point That Out??
Stranger to six-year-old girl who is one dollar short when paying: Hey there, sweetheart! I will pay that last dollar for you. Don't you worry.
Girl: No! You are fat!
--Dylan's Candy Bar
Overheard by: Acrown
Ironically, We Have to Calculate Bacterial Multiplication Rates
Teen girl #1: I haven't taken my contacts out in, like, three weeks.
Teen girl #2: Ew! That's disgusting! That's like leaving a tampon in for three weeks!
(awkward pause)
Teen girl #1: So, uh, did you get the math assignment?
--M96 Bus
Overheard by: Rose Fox
According to That Career Inventory We Took in High School
Straight guy, about coworker: That guy is such a douche.
Tarty girl: He's moving three blocks away from me.
Straight guy: That means you'll totally fuck him.
Tarty girl: Don't put that out in the universe! It'll happen. You know I'm a slut!
--Union Square
Shall We Consult Our Biology Textbooks?
Guy, looking at historic buildings: This is the kind of thing they should have taught us in school.
Girl: Yeah, there's a lot of things that schools didn't teach us.
Guy: I think a bug just flew into my nose.
Girl: What?
Guy: It's squirming around in there. It's really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about it.
--Governor's Island
Overheard by: Kevin
Presenting Our New Motto
Elderly security guard #1: You got plans this weekend?
Elderly security guard #2: Nah, man.
Elderly security guard #1: Oh, I know what you got planned!
Elderly security guard #2: Nothin', man. I'm gonna be sleepin'.
Elderly security guard #1: Sleepin' like a pervert!
--7th Ave b/w 37th & 38th
Overheard by: Julia H.
...Since Everyone Poops! Became the National Book.
Sulky little girl: Do we have to talk about this? This is gross!
Mother: Do you think the Obamas talk about this?
Sulky little girl: No.
Mother: You bet they do!
--12th St
Overheard by: wishes she heard what they were talking about
When Science Meets Religion
Guy: I'd like the two-for-one sundae deal.
Employee, agitated: It's not two-for-one!
Guy: It's not?
Employee: It's "buy one, get one free"!
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Nacci
The Cokeheads in the Class Had to Beat Some Sense Into Him
Professor: Any urban legends, anyone?
Student: Sure. New York City: the city that never sleeps.
Professor: Hum... and how is that a urban legend?
Student: Well, it does sleep.
--New York Institute of Technology
Overheard by: Vivianne Mayonnaise
But He's a "Maybe" for "Monday Night Sex N' Scrabble"
Girl: So, my dad friended me on Facebook the other day, and I was like "shiiit! Limit profile view!"
Guy #1: Are there that many incriminating things on your profile?
Girl: Not really.
Guy #2: So dad's not going to be attending Diane's "get drunk and dance" party?
--Downtown 1 Train
Try and Die, Motherfucker
Old creepy guy: You're a pretty lady.
Random lady, walking by: Thanks
Old creep guy: I should kidnap you
--Tour De Brooklyn Rest Site
Overheard by: Amber
Jessica Was Only Halfway Through Her Etiquette Guide
Very fat man in suit: Excuse me, miss, could you move your bag so I could sit in that seat?
Thin girl: With all due respect, sir, even if I did move this bag, there's no way your fat ass will fit here.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: thinks he should try Weight Watchers
Headline by: JohnAustin
Runners-Up:
· ""Let Me Rephrase. Excuse Me, BITCH..."" - Paul Tabachneck
· "New Yorkers: Keeping It Real Since 1886" - Nicole
· "She'll Be His First Target When He Becomes a Serial Killer" - Muse on the Loose
· "She'll Gain 200 Pounds When She Gets Pregnant" - Vanessa
· "Southwest Airlines Has Already Made This Point" - Michellinator
· "Under a Fat Man, Nobody Can Hear You Scream" - Trey Jackson
· "Weigh Watchers Has a New Recruiting Campaign Called "Honesty"" - Lauren
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