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The Local Crackhead Players' Production Of Pinocchio Left a Lot to Be Desired
Crackhead #1: Nah, I ain't.
Crackhead #2: Yo man, yo tongue be black, yo nose be wood and long. You be fibbin'!
--Ave A & 2nd St
Overheard by: Brian
No Matter How You Slice Them
Gentleman, innocently conversing with woman: He's a tall guy, what did she expect?
Out-of-control hobo sitting next to couple: Fuck that! Tall people are pizzas. Tall people are pizzas!
--A Train
Overheard by: Katie Arvidson
No, for the Last Time.
Girl: So I was curious...
Boyfriend: Wait, aren't you bi-curious?
--6th St & Ave A
Overheard by: erkala
...While I Go Rev the Getaway Car.
Big man waiting in line: Mom, it's organic, not robbery.
Mom: Okay, keep telling yourself that.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Jessica
Translation: "I'd Like You to Blow Me."
Red-headed boy: I like your nose.
Brunette girl: Okay.
Red-headed boy: It's like "ah! I'm a nose!"
--R Train
Your Editors Don't Use the Term "Creepy" Lightly
Husky dad: So when you and your girlfriend make love, do you turn the lights off?
Awkward son, chuckling: No.
Husky dad: You mean you actually let her look at it?
Awkward son, chuckling again: Yeah.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Dave
Look What Happened to Ashlee Simpson
Nerdy hipster guy: So that simplifies to 400-350, which is...?
Clearly hungover girl: Unnngggggg, a hundred?
Very effeminate black friend: Damn, girl, whatever happened to you? Never go full retard!
--Starbucks, Midtown
Nobody in the Midwest Is a Bit Surprised
Teenage girl #1: I'm taking math, earth science, socialism, and English.
Teenage girl #2: Uh-uh.
--President St & Smith St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: porter
Ahem, Ich Brauche Einen Drink
20-something girl #1: What's wrong with the German language? What have you got against German?
20-something girl #2: Nothing, I just really need a drink.
--R Train
Moral Of the Story: Even the Deaf Can Be Pervs.
Woman, demonstrating American Sign Language: Meaning is so dependent on the duration of the sign. This (makes gesture) means "thirst," but this (makes gesture) means "lust."
Man: I guess it depends on what kind of fluid you want.
--1 Train
It's Like a Fashion S.O.S.!
Woman wearing polo and running shorts: I'm stylin', honey!
Husband: That's what Rihanna wears.
--69th St & Lexington
The Mere Thought Of That Will Haunt My Nightmares
Woman in deli #1: You know who else slept with Micheal Jackson? Corey Feldman.
Woman in deli #2: Who?
Woman in deli #1: You ever see Lost Boys?
Woman in deli #2: Oh right, Corey Feldman...
Woman in deli #2: Wait, which one? There's two Corey Feldmans.
--Delancey & Essex
...Whereas the Washington Monument Is One Year-Round
Guy, about Empire State Building: Yeah, and for Valentine's Day they put a heart on it.
Visiting Australian woman: A what? A hard-on?
--Rooftop, Watching 4th of July Fireworks
Overheard by: i saw one of those on a building once...
You Read the Post?? Queer!
Guy: No homo, but Derek Jeter has a pretty amazing ass. Probably the best ass in baseball.
Girl in front of him: Oh, it is not at all gay to appreciate Derek Jeter's ass. The New York Post once said it could stop traffic.
--Yankee Stadium
Reason #2948 to Have a Gay Friend
Doctor #1: So when are you leaving for England?
Doctor #2: Oh, not till next week.
Doctor #1: Oh my god, then we can totally have a tea party!
--Children's Hospital
Overheard by: i want a tea party
Submitter Stole Our Damn Headline
Black guy: I prefer to keep my lesbianism in question. Sort of like a wave function.
White girl, cutting him off: Ah! Don't talk about wave functions ever!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: but keep talking about the lesbianism
I Like to Think Of Them As Little Hugs from God
Girl putting mayonnaise on cheeseburger: Ugh, I'm gonna have a heart attack after this.
Friend eating Pierogis: Oh, I have heart attacks like, every day.
--Little Poland Restaurant
Overheard by: Adriana
Doesn't It, Like, Interfere with Daily Life?
Average 20-something woman: So they ordered from that Chinese place for lunch.
Too-skinny 20-something: Isn't that the third time this week?
Average 20-something woman: I don't understand the fascination with eating from the same place three times a week.
Too-skinny 20-something: I don't understand the fascination with eating a meal three times a week.
--L Train
Overheard by: Rina
The Coast Guard and I Like to Think Of It As an Elaborate Game Of Monkey in the Middle
Bemused tourist: I can't believe the Coast Guard just rescued that kid's soccer ball.
Kid running by: That's the eighth time he's done that!
--Staten Island Port
Overheard by: tastycanucks
Western Civilization As We Know It Would Crumble!
Bro #1: Yo, Michael Jackson just died! He's dead!
Bro #2: No way! Oh man... Well, as long as it's not Dave Matthews...
--LIRR
Overheard by: fungus
It's a Different Kind Of Head Shop
Boys in group, walking past novelty shop: Booong! Booong! Booong!
Irate friend: That's not a bong, that's a dildo, dumbass!
--6th Ave & W 4th St
Overheard by: theincredilbong
...And Our Kids Are Still Babies.
Girlfriend: I want to have four kids and live in Nantucket, is that too much to ask?
Not-so-much-anymore boyfriend: Ugh... Please, don't talk to me about this now.
Girlfriend: Why? What's so wrong with having a life goal with you?
Not-so-much-anymore boyfriend: Because we are 14.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Anna
It's Almost Like You Think We're Allowed to Speak Freely in This Country!
Crazy lady: You are the rudest, most obnoxious person I have ever encountered. I want to speak to your manager.
African American cashier: Okay, then go speak to him.
Crazy lady: You know just because Obama got elected, you can't have an attitude like that.
--Banana Republic
Overheard by: Jelly W
...That's an S&M Thing, Right?
Dude, hitting on girl: So, I'm going to NYU to study for my master's.
Girl, with dim-witted enthusiasm: I want a master's!
--Bleecker & Lafayette
Personally, I Would Love to Have an Attic to Play in
Girl #1: I hated Anne frank.
Girl #2: Yeah, she was such a baby.
--Fashion Institute of Technology
Overheard by: Christiaan
When Torch Songs Become Deli Commercials
Girlfriend: Do you know what I'm obsessed with?
Boyfriend: No.
Girlfriend: Do you know what I'm obsessed with?
(pause)
Girlfriend: Olive loaf!
(they proceed to make out)
--38th St b/w 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Julia H.
It's the Cherry
Teenage hipster #1: Wait, I thought those were alcoholic.
Teenage hipster #2: No, they're not at all! I'm so up for Shirley Temples right now!
--6th & Waverly
Overheard by: LizzieD
Has a Meter Next to Her Bed
Man: So I heard you met Harry's new girlfriend?
Woman: Yeah... she's a whore!
--39th & Broadway
Overheard by: LALA
Umm, He Invented Nudity?
New Yorker: Oh, and there's the naked cowboy. He's everywhere. He's famous.
Tourist mom: Why?
--Times Square
...According to Our Pastor.
Kid: Why is it raining so much?
Mom: The rain is god's tears, because Michael Jackson is dead.
--Livingston & Court, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jen W.
What Is It About Alt-world Neil Patrick Harris?
40-something woman #1: Look at his little face! Look at his little pink face!
40-something woman #2: Oh. My. God.
40-something woman #1: Look at his little pink face!
40-something woman #2: Isn't he cute?! Look at him!
40-something woman #1: So cute.
40-something woman #2: On my god! I can't believe how cute he is.
40-something woman #1: He is so cute! His little pink face!
40-something woman #2: So cute.
(pause)
40-something woman #1: Isn't he cute?!?!
40-something woman #2: Oh. My. God. So. Fucking. Cute.
40-something woman #1: I love him! He's so cute!
40-something woman #2: So cute.
40-something woman #1: I just can't stand it!
--14D Bus
Even Captain Underpants Dumb?
20-something preppy blonde girl #1: Yeah, I just really want to find more stuff to read, I ran out of books.
20-something preppy blonde girl #2: Oh, I have books! They're dumb, though.
20-something preppy blonde girl #1: I like dumb!
--33rd & Lexington
Overheard by: melissa
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Hyper five-year-old boy #1, shocked: And in France, men kiss each other! On the cheek!
Hyper five-year-old boy #2, mumbling: Wow, I wish I was French.
Hyper five-year-old boy #1, puzzled: Wait, what?
Hyper five-year-old boy #2, disgruntled, sighing: Nothing.
--Coldstone Creamery
Overheard by: Kat
They Serve the Blood of Good Christians Here?
Guy #1, looking at menu: I am thinking about the ravioli, but what is "arugula"?
Guy #2: It's what Obama eats.
--Atlas Cafe, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Aria
Headline by: Kristen
Runners-Up:
· "Better Than What Clinton Ate- OHHHHH" - Emily Leonard
· "Children?" - BabakganoosH
· "Damn Liberals and Their Fancy Foods" - Trey Jackson
· "It Pairs Well With Bud Light" - Having my own beer summit.
· "She's an Intern" - Timo
· "So It's Like... Capitalism?" - Zpike
· "So Michelle Is Just Her Stage Name?" - jloubelle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...And I Wouldn't Have Thought "G-String" Was a Musical Term
Oblivious teenage girl: Are strip cubs illegal?
Less oblivious friend: Um, no. Why would you think that?
Oblivious teenage girl: Cuz while I was going out with Matt he said something about a strip club getting busted.
Less oblivious friend: You went out with Matt? You slut!
Oblivious teenage girl: No, if I was a slut I would have known whether strip clubs are illegal or not.
--Central Park
It's a Cruel, Cruel Mid-century Modern Dystopia!
Older woman, examining furniture on sidewalk: Look at this! This is a nice art deco bureau.
Older man: Well, Elaine, this is not a nice art deco world!
--Carroll St., Park Slope
Overheard by: Holly Martins
...You Go to New York City for the Gap.
Tourist #1: How about Italian?
Tourist #2: You know there are perfectly good Italian restaurants back home in Wisconsin. You don't go to New York City for the food.
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: John
No Wednesday One-Liner in the Champagne Room
Loud woman on cell: And then he had the nerve to ask me if it was cause he's black! I was like, "it's not cause you're black, it's cause you slept with that stripper!"
--Starbucks
Midwestern grandmother, seeing granddaughter play on subway: She's working on her pole dancing, just like her mother.
--E Train
Young Asian guy, telling stripper what he does for a living: Do you even know what a hedge fund is?
--Strip Club, Queens
Thug to girlfriend, pointing at totem pole in museum: You know what those be? Fancy stripper poles! (makes techno music noise with his mouth)
--Museum of Natural History
Blonde chick on cell: Oh my god, Mike, just fuck her and get over yourself, I really don't care! (hangs up, to friend) I don't understand why my boyfriend keeps calling me asking me if it would break my heart if he slept with the stripper we met at the bar on Saturday.
--NYU
Overheard by: i wish i had me a girl like that
Serious, tired, cute guy on cell: So you remember the stripper that has been hassling me? Well, I went out with her and her girlfriend on Tuesday, and stuff got out of hand... really out of hand--like Budapest out of hand! (pause) I don't know, but I woke up in fucking New York City!
--Penn Station
Man's Best Wednesday One-Liner
Lady to dog: Pee! Pee! Pee! Poo on the universe!
--E 9th St
Overheard by: Jen
Well-dressed woman to little dog: Baby, those are cars. Cars are not our friends. You must always stay away from them... Are you listening to me?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Murphy
Woman, shrieking at barking dogs: Stop being crazy!
--Central Park
Overheard by: NB
Woman to Shih Tzu: Yo! I'm walking you, you're not walking me--calm down!
--109 & Manhattan Ave
Dog walker to dog, ranting: Bailey, I am so angry with you! (dog wags tail) Don't you even look at me right now! (yanks dog's leash) I'm taking the television out of your room! No more American Idol for you! (storms across street)
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: allison
Woman to dog sniffing random things: Focus. Fo-cus. Shit.
--Melrose & Wilson
Overheard by: richhorner.com
All the World's a Wednesday, and the People Merely One-Liners
20-something man, during West Side Story, when Tony climbs in bed with Maria: Get it, son!
--Palace Theatre
Old man, leaving theater after seeing Hair: I told you we should have seen Mary Poppins.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Leela
Girl, looking at a barricaded rally: Oh my god, it is so Les Miz up in here.
--48th St & 6th Ave
Long Island woman to friend, leaving the theater after Mary Poppins: That wasn't anything like the movie. The movie had cartoons, this was real people.
--Amsterdam Theater, 42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: MikeyMouse
Man to friend, during Waiting for Godot: Oh my god, you know what would make me really pissed? I'd be so angry if that Godot guy didn't show up at the end of the play.
--Studio 54
Woman to husband, during Waiting for Godot: Is this a musical?
--Studio 54
Overheard by: Hannah
Wednesday One-Liner: The Diet Of Choice for Teenage Girls
Dude to another: One of us threw up in Joanna's underwear drawer, so she was really pissed.
--181st & Bennett
Girl to another: Well, you don't want to throw up in front of the guy you just had sex with!
--7th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Girl in diner booth: I'm about to throw up in my pants.
--Henry & Court
Overheard by: Alex
Train conductor lady: I am not playin'. People need to get home. Get all the way in or get off. If you are vomiting, please exit the train. I will keep this train right here and kick off every damn one of you wearing green.
--Penn Station, St. Patrick's Day
Guy, vomiting on tree: Man, fuck that tang.
--Carlton Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Zoe
It's Wednesday One-Linas, Boo
Thug to girlfriend: Listen, baby, I'm not really lying, fully!
--Ave B & 10th St
Thug: Yo, I wanna go to yoga, son!
--St. Marks Place
Thug: Sometimes I look around and wonder if in my next life I might be a bird.
--1st & 3rd
Overheard by: Angela
Short thug on cell: I'm gonna get you some slippers, mami, so you can show off your feet. Show off your feet. (pause) Show off your feet!
--7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Thug to thug friend: Yo, man, you gotta wake up and smell them Arabica beans!
--CVS
Overheard by: freshly brewed.
Thug, yelling to female companion: When you gon' let me show you some dick? When you gon' let me show you some dick? Just let me show you to see if you like it! If not, you can go back to those bitches! At least we'll have something in common!
--7th Ave & 21st St, Brooklyn
Thug, excitedly discussing favorite cold stone flavor: Yo, no homo man! Peanut sensation!
--Downtown D Train
Overheard by: Raven
And on Your Left--- Wednesday One-Liners!
Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.
--West Village
Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth
Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.
--Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise
Overheard by: Trixie
Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and... (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels... and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!
--Bobst Library, NYU
Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.
--Trump Towers
Wednesday One-Liners from the Bowels Of the City
Thug teenager to woman shoving umbrella between doors to keep them open: Shit, woman! You'd best pull that umbrella out. This ain't no number train, we will leave yo ass!
--R Train
Very excited middle-aged woman hearing doo-wop singers board train: Woooo! Music train!
--R Train
Overheard by: astoria mets fan
Girl on subway car looking at subway map: What, there's no "you are here"?
--A Train
Overheard by: Rins
20-something girl: Ugh, I hate the subway. They need to, like, invent a, like, above-ground transportation system!
--6 Train
Man walking onto train, slowly: All the premium seats are taken.
--A Train
Overheard by: glad i'm in first class
Wednesday One-Liners Need to Be Consoled
Tech guy: It would suck to be a cow, then you couldn't play Street Fighter.
--Marymount Manhattan College
Blond girl, regarding Egyptian artifacts: This is just like a video game!
--The Met
Overheard by: Rachael and Ben
Mindless dude playing PSP: Damn! Why is this bitch calling me? (answers cell) What do you want, you made me stop my game! (pause) My game as in "my video game," psh! (pause) Shit, if I had any game I wouldn't be with a bitch that looks like you, now what do you want?
--A Train
Overheard by: token white chick
Ghetto kids, as 95-year-old Chinese lady walks into moving traffic: Damn, she think she playing Frogger!
--Chinatown
Friend to friend: I wonder how Super Mario Bros will influence my decision?
--Houston St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liner Like an Egyptian
Guy on cell: I'm walking down St. Marks, and I'm having psychological issues. That's why I'm calling this NYU support number.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: A preponderance of hipsters can sort of do that to you...
Stylish guy on phone: No, I do not have time to check if anyone is gesticulating at me, I'm walking to Chipotle!
--Sock Man, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Rachel Isadora
Thick-accented gentleman: You nevah saw that movie? Penguins walkin'?
--Smith & Wollensky's Steakhouse
Overheard by: kritta
Too-tan Columbia student: Oh my god! You should totally have picked up your phone the other night because I was totally ready to, like, walk by myself down 122nd Street to the d train, alone, at like, midnight! Even though I know it wouldn't have been very safe to do that, I was ready!
--Uptown 2 Train
Woman to another, holding the strings to 100 helium balloons: You never walk my balloons!
--Lafayette & Cumberland, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Brenda
Wednesday One-Liners for Diane Keaton
Straight guy in hot pink underwear: Yeah, I've fallen asleep in deer stands, and all kinds of weird places.
--Gold's Gym, 54th St
Overheard by: Johnny V
Girl on cell: His hair is wiry and weird. He had a party and sold raffle tickets, the winner got to restyle his hair. He's weird.
--1 Train
Overheard by: whirlygirlie518
White teen girl to friends: No, no, no! I told you guys, if I marry a Japanese, then there's all that weird sex stuff. I'm marrying Korean. They're adorable, and don't have that weird communism thing the Chinese do.
--Chinatown
Girl from Nashville on cell: They serve like weird pasta here with weird vegetables and weird meat. My favorite meal here is breakfast. I am so ready to go home!
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: D-Law
Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.
Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Alexis
Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Jackie
Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?
--Grand Central Station
Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?
--125th St
Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."
--Bar 9, 54th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!
--L Train
Overheard by: The City Planner
Sometimes You Just Wanna Pinch Wednesday One-Liner's Cheeks
Gay guy: You know what's so cute, is Europe.
--Mott & Prince
Overheard by: Anna P.
College girl to friend: And I'm like "No, you can't chew on the couch. You can't have couch for breakfast." (pause) But what about you, are there any cute guys in your dorm?
--Downtown 1 Train
Girl on phone: Oh-h-h-h my gawd, girl, you don't even know! And then he goes "Damn, girl you in Delta Gamma? Nothing goes down faster than an anchor!" And then I was just like "Shut up!" but I did it anyways, I mean... he was cute.
--Gates to Fordham University
Man on cell picking through garbage can and walking away with trash in hand: Oh my god, I just found the cutest belt in a trash can! Honestly, the things people throw away!
--118th St & Amsterdam Ave
Gay guy marching in protest to another: The guys in this protest are much cuter than at the last protest I attended.
--63rd St & Broadway
I Just Felt That Stella Could've Been Given a More Emotionally-Challenging Role
Trendy young mom #1: Well, everyone wants their kid to guest-appear on Sesame Street.
Trendy young mom #2: Oh, yeah?
--2nd Floor, MoMA
Overheard by: Krashaunda
Reader Poll: Is This a Drug Deal?
Suit, stopping in front of random thug: Dubai?
Thug: Dubai.
Suit: Dubai?
Thug: Dubai!
Suit: Dubai?!
Thug: Dubai, motherfucker! Dubai!
--31st & 6th
Overheard by: MrMark
Nobody Studies Suffering Like Catholic Girls
Catholic schoolgirl #1: And that would hurt a lot more because my boobs are swollen because I'm getting my period.
Catholic schoolgirl #2: You just announced that to the entire train...
Catholic schoolgirl #1: Well, you're the one who was gonna hit it!
--F Train
Overheard by: Amanda
It Seemed a Structural Impossibility on an Asian
Asian guy #1: Hey, I know why I'm so hot.
Asian guy #2: Why?
Asian guy #1: Because I have my volleyball shorts on.
Asian guy #2: Good. I was wondering why your butt looked so big.
--American Apparel Flea Market
Worst. Hustler. Ever.
Guy to vendor: You got free water? Lemme get some water.
Vendor: No.
Guy: What about napkins? Lemme get some napkins.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Beavis
...Maybe He's Just Going through a Stage?
Middle-aged lady #1: I just caught him masturbating!
Middle-aged lady #2: In the show?
--Ladies Room, Gershwin Theater
Fernando Is the Clear Favorite in the Unsolicited Comment Olympics
White girl to friend: I used to speak Spanish.
Hispanic man, passing by: You don't need to speak Spanish! This is America! "America" is a Spanish word! "America Vespucci"! Spanish! Pshhh!
--112th & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: i speak spanish too...
He Also Thinks The Clap Is a Device That Turns Your Lights on and Off
Preteen emo boy #1: What's "gonorrhea"?
Preteen emo boy #2: An STD.
Preteen emo boy #1: Seriously? I thought it was a species of fish!
--Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum
What Happens When Your Education Is a Little Funcky
Daughter: Mommy, I think I can spell "funky." F-u-c-k-y.
Dad: No, that's... that's a bad word.
Mom: No, honey, funky is spelled f-u-n-c-k-y.
--7 Train
After One Of Those, You Have to Clean the Bathroom and Your Entire Body
Guy #1: You know when you have to take the kind of dump when you have to take your shirt off?
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: It was like that.
--Ave A & St. Mark's
She Eats Dinner at 4:30 P.M.
Mom: You should find a nice girl to settle down with! Why don't you ask that girl you work with to dinner sometime?
Smartass teen: Because she's in her 70s.
--Serendipity's
Don't Torment the Homeless, Lady
Yelling hobo to 20-something women: Do you love Jesus?! Jesus loves you!
Woman #1: No... apparently he doesn't. We're lesbians.
Yelling hobo: Lesbians?! Does your mama know?! Does your mama know you're a faggot?
Woman #2: Uuuh... her's mom's a lesbian, too.
Yelling hobo: What!? What would Jesus think of this?
Woman #1: Actually, Jesus is in my stomach!
--53rd & 9th
...Resourceful.
Girl #1: When I was pregnant I was addicted to eating deodorant.
Girl #2: Damn, girl, that's just wrong!
Girl #1: It was so bad I couldn't even see my man in prison cause I couldn't go that long without some deodorant. Secret was good, but I didn't like that Dove shit. Sometimes I'd have to test that stuff out in the store. I'm all takin' a little lick, puttin' it back if I don't like it.
Girl #2: Shit girl, you're crazy.
--6 Train
Or: "Guns Don't Kill People-- Punctuation Kills People"
Teen #1, staring at gun with comma for trigger: So, what do you think it means?
Teen #2: It means: "as soon as I finish this sentence, I'm gonna kill you."
--Museum of Modern Art
Aren't Those the Lyrics to a Li'l Kim Song?
Guy, bitching to older woman about roommate: I see her maybe once every ten days.
Woman: Is she a dominatrix?
Guy: No, she's just a dumbass!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: David K.
Shit Invented People to Lug It Around
Girl coming out of Key Food with bags: All we do in New York is lug shit around!
Guy with bags: I know!
--30th St & Ditmars
Unless It's Your Gay Cousin
Round white lady: Once with my cousin, Ned.
Stringy-haired white lady: Well, we don't count cousins in my home town.
Round white lady: So what if your uncle is your cousin?
Stringy-haired white lady: I suppose ain't no laws in West Virginia 'gainst that, neither.
--A Train
Overheard by: Raven L.
Most Americans Have Given Up Believing Their Eyes and Ears
Tourist #1: I wanna see the ball that drops in Times Square!
Tourist #2: Wait... that thing actually exists?
--Broadway b/w 43rd & 44th
Overheard by: Ben
But I Don't Smile for the Camera Anymore
Drunken woman: Know what? If he does that one more time I'm gonna nail-file my teeth down to my brain.
Drunken man: I did that once. Not as bad as you'd think.
--BBQ Place, Times Square
Women's Purses Are a Lot Like Clown Cars...
Male customer to UPS guy: Do you have a boxcutter I can use?
UPS guy: Uhhh... no. Just use a key or something.
Female suit waiting in line: I've got a boxcutter. (pulls it out of her purse)
UPS guy: What the fuck?
--UPS
The Fabric Of Our Lives in New York
Flamboyant old man, pointing at fabrics inside store: I'm telling you, honey, the orange is too loud.
Vexed shop owner: What? I can't hear you!
--Lafayette & Bowery
Overheard by: Jamal F.
Wait, Let Me Make Sure the Flash Is On
Female tourist to friend: Oh my god, do we really get to take the subway? Gosh, you have to take a picture of me with the subway! C'mon, take the picture!
Man, overhearing: Oh my god, let's push you down the stairs and see how much you like the subway.
--Rockafeller Center Subway
Overheard by: Kirby
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· "A *Real* New Yorker Would've Just Pushed Her" - Thaniel
· "Give a Tourist a Pin and She'll Remember NY for a Week, Push Her Down the Stairs, and She'll Remember It for the Rest Of Her Life" - Prole
· "How Tourist-Tossing Got Started" - Barry
· "It Would Save Her That Stop at Planned Parenthood" - niqua
· "Throw in a Rape and Mugging and You'll Get the Full Subway Experience" - Forensic Photographer
· "Why Is It Called "Tourist Season" If We Can´t Kill Them?" - Fresca P.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
To Make Men Guess What Kind Of Shape I'm in
Lady jogger #1: I don't like jeans. I don't think they're comfortable.
Lady jogger #2: No?
Lady jogger #1: I mean, I wear them to work and all. But I'd rather wear a sweatsuit.
--Central Park
Dear Miss Manners-- What Would a Polite Young Lady Say in Response?
Street hustler: Ladies, wanna get pregnant? Try angel.
Girl in group of three: Did he just ask if we wanted to get pregnant?
--36th & 7th
Overheard by: dani solina
...Speaking Of the Opposite Of Sucking...
Disaffected white woman #1: Stella*'s kid died last week.
Disaffected white woman #2: Oh. Well, it sucks when someone's kid dies before they expect it to... oh, Topshop's having a sale!
--Broome & Broadway
Overheard by: office peon will soon be a Vermonter
All High School Sex, in a Nutshell
Woman, earnestly: It's in. It's in.
Man, brightly: It's in!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Now She'll Spend Hours on the Fainting Couch and We'll Never Get Where We're Going!
Girl to guy, over walkie-talkie phone: Okay, I'm going to the bathroom and I'll be right down.
Friend: What happened to being ladylike and shit? Telling us she's going to the bathroom!
--125th St & Broadway
Because It's My Turn
Person #1: Just take your pants off and try... please?
Person #2: No, I don't want to.
Person #1: Then why are you holding yourself?
--FAO Schwartz, 5th Ave
...But Only to See His Avocados.
Party girl #1 looking at camera: Whoa... When did this happen?
Party girl #2: Oh, this was awesome. Guacamole make-out sessions. He was all like "I just wanna kiss you with all kinds of sloppy dips between our lips."
Party girl #1: So you did? And you got a picture?
Party girl #2: Hell yeah!
Party girl #1: You are so going home with him tonight, aren't you?
Party girl #2: Hell yeah!
--Studio B, Banker St, Brooklyn
Or in Your Case, Las Vegas
Tourist to MTA employee: Do you have a map of, like the touristy places?
MTA employee: Yes.
Tourist: That will show us like, the Eiffel Tower and stuff?
MTA employee: The Eiffel Tower is in France.
--57th Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Elise
Have the Effects Of Rent Not Been Widespread Enough?
Professor: He was more bohemian and unconventional.
White bimbo: What's "bohemian"?
Asian bimbo: He's from Bohemia, duh.
--City College
Overheard by: nella
I'm Thinking the Mushrooms Were a Mistake, Though
Tourist #1: This must be it, it says "Greyhound" right there!
Tourist #2: It looks under construction. Is it safe to go in?
Tourist #1: I don't know... I'm afraid.
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: unfortunately thats just how it looks
How to Come Out As a Lesbian, in One Easy Step
Girl #1: What's that?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: That box in your mouth?!
--6 Train
As Long As It Isn't from AIDS, Sweetie
Mother: Do you need to buy some condoms?
Daughter: What? No, I am not talking about condoms with my mom. This will not happen. (mother drifts over to the condom shelf)
Daughter: No, no, no, no! What are you doing! Stop it! Stop it now! Oh god, you're actually considering the brands! Why are you... this is murder! You're killing me. You are actually killing me! I am going to die, and it will be all your fault!
--Walgreens
Overheard by: Moms, man.
Dakota Learns How to Get Some Breathing Room
Little girl: Mom?
Helicopter mother: Yes, honey? Are you all right? Are the trains too noisy for you?
Little girl: Mom, guess what?
Helicopter mother: What is it, sweetie pie?
Little girl: Mom, I have a vagina!
Helicopter mother: (opens mouth in shock)
--South Ferry Train Station
Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny
I Wondered How You Got a Nose Like a Ukranian Grandma
Hot guy: Oh, by the way, did I tell you my girlfriend headbutted me?
Blonde: What? During sex?
Hot guy: Yeah, she gave me a bloody nose.
Blonde: Rough. Did you keep at it after the blood?
Hot guy: Yes.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Sam Dullard
Totally Worth the Annual Membership Fee
Woman: We've got snacks in the office, if you like. It's very convenient having Costco nearby.
Man: Oh, that's great! I just recently discovered BJs with my girlfriend.
--Sunset Park, Brooklyn
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