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The Best Quotes Last Week
According to how everyone voted, these were all of our favorite quotes last week
And No Way You're Getting My Kickball in the Settlement
Nanny to boy blocking slide: Hi, are you going down the slide?
(kid shakes head)
Nanny: Well, can we get past you?
(kid shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share.
(Sam shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share or I will leave you.
--69th & West End
They're So Cute Before They Learn to Cuss
(random guy trips over three-year-old girl's stroller)
Guy: Oops, I'm sorry, honey.
Three-year-old girl in stroller: Don't call me honey!
--Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Michael
Hey, the One Thing Gays and Straights Agree on Is Julie Andrews
Guy #1: So there I was, screwing my pillow in my sleep... Ya know, really bouncing the bed.
Guy #2: So... What? She didn't like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was alright. Ya know. I mean I was laying there with a boner you could break rocks with and all confused. That's when I said "Where's Julie?"
Guy #2: That's freakin' messed up, man!"
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap... That being her sister's name and all.
Guy #2: I'm going to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie Andrews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I didn't want her to think I was a pervert or something.
--NYU
But You Should Probably Stop Doing the Two-Hand Point
Preppy kid: It's all fucking Guidos in this place.
Guido: You calling me a fuckin' Guido?
Preppy kid: (sarcastically) Nooo. No, you're no Guido. Where's your gold chain?
Guido: My cousin ripped it off in a fight.
Preppy kid: Yeah, you're definitely not a Guido.
--China Club
Overheard by: 13Atlantic
The Creation of the Prostitution Merit Badge
(in front of national HQ of Girl Scouts of America)
Construction worker #1: Do you see all the rich marble they used on this building?
Construction worker #2: Yeah. They sure had to sell a lot of fuckin' cookies to afford it.
--37th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: dodgerswill
Headline by: C.J.
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, the United States Thin Mint Just Prints Them Money" - Lauren
· "I'll Take 7,954,300,348,000 Boxes Of Thin Mints Please!" - Eino Hill
· "It's Actually Constructed Of Stale Do-Si-Dos and the Corpses Of Girls Who Didn't Reach Their Quota" - Matthew K. Johnson
· "The Building Was Funded by an Anonymous Benefactor, on the Condition That It Be Built on Sesame Street." - James
· "The Reason They Added Heroin to Thin Mints" - ILOVEThinMints
· "Turning Tricks Is for Kids" - Qasar
· "You Should See the Boy Scouts Of America HQ... Don't Ask What They Sold." - fox
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
...For Taking Pictures Of My Bed and Posting Them on the Internet.
Dad: So what's that thing you want for your birthday again?
Little boy: A Wii.
Dad: Wii? As in wee-wee? Gross!
Little boy: You're immature.
Dad: You wet the bed.
Little boy: You're immature.
--1 Train
Do You Fog Your Mother With That Mouth?
Exterminator, running late: Hey, sorry, but I was doin' this guy in the Village -I was foggin' him and bombin' him, the whole nine yards...
Client, snickering: Wish we could get that kind of service here.
Exterminator, oblivious: Well see, he pays extra...
--106th St & Broadway
Eminem's Also from Michigan, So You Do the Math
Guy from Michigan: That stripper robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michigan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she didn't do it. I want her arrested.
Cop: Is everyone from Michigan an asshole or just you?
--Show World
Wednesday One-Liners Totally Moved There Before It Was Cool
Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?
--Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A
Overheard by: Doibles
Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.
--9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: bildita
NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like... Williamsburg.
--4th Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: john.ainley
Young girl: I'm Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I'm going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they're poor?
--Bagel Shop, Williamsburg
Overheard by: NCT
From the Long-Awaited Ernest Goes to ESL
Girl to old man in baseball cap: What does the "E" on your hat stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Girl: The "E"? What does it stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Black lady observing scene: E stands for the English he don't speak.
--A Train
Overheard by: Brenda
Mmm...Marriage...
Art teacher: This piece is from the enlightenment period in England and is called "Marriage a la Mode".
Kid to friend: Wait... Marriage with ice cream?
--Bronx Science Art History Class
Overheard by: One with whipped cream please
Carrot Top?
Bearded guy #1: Wow! Two Quakers on one train! We could start a riot.
Bearded guy #2: Or whatever the opposite of a riot is.
--Metro North Hudson Line
What Day Do the Wednesday One-Liners Come Out?
Patron: Do these stairs go up?
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Maura
Drunk White Sox fan to passerby: Hey, what time does Times Square close?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: giovanna
Dude at the next table: Is Long Island really an island?
--Peter Luger's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Yes, he really just said that
(girl sees poster for Army Wives and turns to friend)
Girl: I don't get that show. Are they married to army dudes or something?
--C Train
Southern lady: Empire State ReBuilding? Does that mean they're moving it?
--33rd & 5th
Overheard by: Katie Mainc
Where Noses and Powder Go Together Implicitly
Teenage girl #1: When I was little, my mom told me that whenever I had to go to the bathroom, I should say "Excuse me, I have to go powder my nose." But when I said it to my kindergarten teachers they didn't understand what I meant.
Teenage girl #2: That's because your kindergarten teachers, unlike your mom, weren't bitchy, uptight wasps.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I know. That's why I go to private school now.
--Terminal 5
Jessica Simpson Has Fallen Upon Hard Times
Male customer (looking dubiously at sandwich in wrapper marked chicken): Is this the fish fillet sandwich I ordered?
Counter person: Yes, the chicken is the fish.
--Wendy's, Boston Road, The Bronx
Overheard by: Suze V
...For Silly Things Like Your Medicine.
(dad is making Care Bear stuffed animal "dance."
Little girl: Stop shaking her, daddy! You're gonna make her cry! Except she's a mommy and mommies don't cry, right?
Dad: Only when they want money.
--Manhattan-bound F Train
Overheard by: alisha
I Managed to Struggle to the Surface Often Enough to Get Air
Fat woman #1, at intermission: Man, these seats are tight!
Fat woman #2: Oh my god, tell me about it! My butt is killing me!
Fat woman #1, to skinny guy sitting in between them: Was I spilling over into your seat?
Skinny guy: You both were.
--New Amsterdam Theatre
Overheard by: Ali
Mom's Fling With Josh Ended Predictably
14-year old girl #1: Did you call her a bitch?
14-year old girl #2: No. I was like: "Mom! You have chlamydia. Shut up!"
--B Train
Overheard by: Jessica
So It's Like a Blog That You Carry Around?
20-something girl: Today I saw the cutest rat, it was just sitting there cleaning itself.
20-something guy: No way! I saw a cute rat today too. When I came to New York I thought that all the rats would be huge with glowing eyes and sharp fangs, but I kind of wanted to keep it... Look! I even wrote it down. (gets out notebook) Saw first rat today, it was surprisingly cute.
--4 Train Station
What the Banner in the Airport Should Say
(girl runs into a woman crossing the street)
Woman (turning to confront girl): Are you kidding me?!
Girl: Are you kidding me?
Woman: Can't you see?!
Girl: Watch where you're going!
Woman: Are you kidding me!?
Girl: Oh god! This is New York, get over it!
--40th St & 6th Ave
