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When You Buy the Front Of a Dog, You Get the Back for Free
Father, pointing out woman cleaning up tiny turd from tiny dog: See, if we got a dog, that's what you would have to do.
Five-year-old son, near hysterics: Noooooo!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
And Man the Oars?
Black girl #1 to large group of friends: It's like a slave ship here.
Black girl #2: First thing we need to do is get a gyro.
--Penn Station at Rush Hour
The Food Police Are Everywhere
Larger woman in elevator eating Snickers bar: No matter what I do, I can't lose no weight!
Less fat friend: Mm-hmm.
(elevator goes one floor up and stops. Both go to get off)
Suit #1: Unbelievable, no wonder you have weight issues.
Larger woman: What? 'scuse me? What you know about me?
Suit: Other than you are fat, can't take the stairs for one floor, and are stuffing your face with a king size Snickers?
Less fat friend: Shit, he do know you.
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Hormones: An OINY Short Story
Teenage boy #1: Dude, that mannequin was hot!
Teenage boy #2: Imagine if it had a head and limbs!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Dave Rabkin
You're Right, but for All the Wrong Reasons
Not from New York husband: Honey, we can eat over there. (points at Tavern on the Green)
Not from New York wife: Ew! No, I am not going to eat at a tavern. That's gross.
--Central Park
And a Man I Can Pee With!
Frustrated hobo: What are you looking for?
Batty bag lady: A car!
Frustrated hobo: Well, what kind of car?
Batty bag lady: A car I can pee between!
--Eldridge & Broome
Overheard by: Nic
New York Girls Have Always Swooned for Quasimodo's "Ironic" Sense Of Style
Hermit-looking man at bakery counter: Euhh... Yes, I want cake. One will say "Kenny's dead." No! Wait! One will say "I killed Kenny, and I'm not sorry!" And the other will say... it will say, "Obama is my homeboy!"
20-something hipster girl, staring at man: Are you... for real?
Hermit-looking man: Yes, sweetie.
20-something hipster girl: You... you win at life, sir.
--167th & Broadway
...Clearly You Have No Grasp Of Bikini Wrestling Bylaws, Sir.
Guy holding baking mix: Excuse me, where's the vegetable oil?
Employee: We don't have vegetable oil, but I think canola oil should work fine with that.
Guy, sarcastically: Oh, you think canola oil would work?
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Also How to Get Banned from Nobu.
Girlfriend: Learn anything new today?
Boyfriend: How to say "sexual offender" in Japanese!
--Central Park
Overheard by: lynn
The Adult Film Industry Will Be Happy to Guide You
Cute Asian girl: I feel like I'm in high school again, except the person I'm dating is female and a really good kisser, and the guy I'm plotting to seduce is my professor. What's wrong with my life?
Friend: I think you need to either learn to live without penis, or realize that kissing men isn't scary.
Cute Asian girl: Kissing women is scary too! But I happen to really enjoy kissing Christina.
Friend: Okay, so if you want to do your professor so badly, don't you think he might be a good kisser too?
Cute Asian girl: There are so many things you can do with a guy that don't involve kissing...
Friend: Again... Get over penis or start kissing men!
Cute Asian girl: It isn't that simple!
--Uptown 2 Train
Tracy Chapman's Been Saying That Since 1988
Bag lady to white guy whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In": Damn, nigger, that's my jam!
Guy: I'm... Ummm... sorry?
Bag lady: Yeah? Fuck you too!
(guy and girl walk away)
Bag lady: Shit, I gotta get outta this town and get my own place!
--L Train
Overheard by: The Music Man
Canadia: Dammit...!
Teenage girl #1: And she was trying to convince me that Florida is north of New York!
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, some people are so stupid! North of us is like... Delaware!
--Hudson & Gansevoort
Overheard by: Laura
