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Whatever, Mr. Gender-Identity Gestapo
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir... Sir! Sir, where the hell do you think you're going?
Man, with five-year-old kid: I'm gettin' in the line for the bathroom.
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir, it looks to me like you're trying to get into the ladies bathroom.
Man: But I got a kid!
Madison Square Garden worker: Did you give birth to your kid?
Man: No!
Madison Square Garden worker: Then it looks to me like you're in the wrong fuckin line.
--Madison Square Garden
Wednesday and the World One-Liners With You, Cry and You Cry Alone
Girl, loudly and enthusiastically: Everything I say is a joke!
--City Bakery, 18th St
Girl to guy: What's so funny? Did you fart?
--W 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: Megan W.
Santa, chasing scared teen: Do you think it's funny to throw things at people's heads? How about I break your face?
--42nd St
Girl: I'm really excited that, like, within our lifetime, there are gonna be funny movies about Obama.
--Manhattan Theatre Source
Overheard by: Emily B.
Laughing girl on phone: Come on, please! Please! Just take off your clothes and take pictures! (pause) Come on, mom, it would be so funny!
--Union Square
20-something skater guy to another: And then I started whackin' off, and it was hilarious.
--Broadway & E 10th St
Overheard by: Timothy
Wednesday One-Liners Get a Hoboner
Hobo: I am homeless and ashy. Can anyone spare some lotion? I want to go from ashy to classy.
--A Train
Overheard by: SBroto
Hobo: If looks could kill I'd be dead. Kind words don't hurt nobody. I give sandwiches.
--Shuttle to Grand Central
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Panhandler, holding top hat overflowing with bills: And take your newspapers and personal belongings with you, I got company comin' over tonight!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Anthony LoDuca
Hobo: You think anyone ever went to Harvard and forgot about it?
--Central Park
Hobo, near no tripping hazards or holes: Watch your step! Don't fall! Look where you're going! Don't fall down!
--4th & Broadway
Singing hobo: I'm gonna be on Broadway! You're all invited! I don't care what you look like. Even you! (points to random man)
--1 Train
F4F Wednesday One-Liners
Fat, hairy hipster guy: I don't know, but somehow, lesbians are always a little in love with me.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: I'm sure, dude.
Fanboy-looking dad to 10-year-old son: Well, if there is a lesbian headquarters, it's probably, um...
--Prospect Park
Barnard freshman: The way I dress people think I'm a lesbian.
--Barnard College
Overheard by: funny
Young Latina to another: That's not being a lesbian, that's being nasty!
--5 Train
Overheard by: E.J.
20-something to another: She looks like Sherlock Holmes crossed with a lesbian.
--1 Train
Please Don't Feed the Wednesday One-Liners
Elderly woman to Bulldog: If you were human, you would be a male model.
--44th & 3rd
Female on phone, trying to be discrete: I could take a million pictures without makeup and I could make it on the cover of Vogue. I am telling you I just want a model agent to come up to me and say "you are gorgeous, I want you to model." I know I have what it takes!
--Outside Bobst Library
Overheard by: V Liebs
Scrawny short dude: You know, I like the model-type chicks.
--Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Battery Park city mom, about son: He's not even four and he can earn as much from one commercial as he can from a year of modeling.
--World Trade Centre Plaza
Girl walking around with a camera: People get so awkward when you're carrying around a camera. Come on people! Give me something I can use here! You are all models!
--44th & Lexington
Overheard by: apparently a model
Drawing professor: I'm not allowed to sleep with the models.
--Pratt Institute
Cuba Gooding Jr: "Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!"
CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jeremy
Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!
--Q Train
Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!
--85th & Columbus
Overheard by: Jesse D
Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Greg
Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: DRC
Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.
--Pratt Institute
Wednesday One-Liners from Beyond the NYC Event Horizon
Five-year-old girl, holding her nose, to mother: It smells here! It smells like New Jersey! Mommy! It smells like New Jersey!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Cicero
Teenager: Oh, wow, I didn't know New Jersey had any buildings.
--Christopher St. Pier
Girl on cell: I think I slept with a whore. Then I woke up in Jersey.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Rachel
Crazy-sounding drunk girl: Ewww, why are there so many people from New Jersey here?
--Bowery & E 4th
Overheard by: do they emit a particular odor?
NYU guy trying to impress girls: My dad actually grew up right around here. Well...in New Jersey.
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Girl sitting on raised metal platform on front deck to friend: Hey, do you want to turn around? We're looking at Jersey again.
--NYU LSP Boat Cruise
Wednesday P.A.-Liners
Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.
--5th & 57th
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train...
Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.
--34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: going downtown, thank you
Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)
--High Street Station
Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.
--Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Two-Drink Minimum
Flyer guy: Smile, you're on Broadway! (singing) You're never fully dressed...when you're naked! (stops singing) So come to New York's best improvisational comedy club! Be there, or be someplace else!
--Times Square
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
Annoying man outside comedy club, to passerby: Do you like stand-up comedy? (passerby ignores him keeps walking) Do you like free alcohol? (passerby keeps walking) Do you like ignoring me? (passerby turns head and nods)
--Broadway
Overheard by: Wojo
Comedy show ticket salesman to couple: So, what are you two doing tonight...besides each other?
--Broadway & 49th St
Overheard by: Theo
Ticket guy to walking couple: Do you like comedy or do you just do each other? Maybe that's all you need.
--51st & 8th
Overheard by: PartyByNight
Street vendor: Want to see a comedy show for $10? Free drinks! Cheaper than crack cocaine!
--42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: gradstudent
Comedy club flyer guy: Blah, blah, blah, take my flyer!
--Times Square
Overheard by: No flyer, but props for the delivery
Wednesday One-Liners and the People Who Love Them
Marketing girl: Would you like to try a new perfume? It's for you and your pet!
--Bryant Park, Outside Fashion Week Tents
Overheard by: jycho
Girl: I told my mom that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail with a link to petfinder.com.
--Student Center, Barnard
Overheard by: Kristine
Man trying to sell comedy club tickets: Cheaper than an abortion! More entertaining than the crucifixion! More fun than euthanizing your pets!
--50th Ave & Broadway
Overheard by: Colleen
Queer on cell: Well, women are just pets for straight men.
--E 10th St
Woman on cell: So are you going to tell your daughter that you ate her pet?
--20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jesse S G
It's Not Delivery-- It's Wednesday One-Liner!
Student: A lot more people would definitely vote if there was free pizza at polling places.
--Queens College
Overheard by: Suze
Hipster: Papa John's makes me want to have Aids.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Drunk person: Hey! This isn't the original Ray's!
--Ray's Pizza
Overheard by: Darwin
Girl to friend: So you only need a slice of pizza to get you wet?
--Slaughtered Lamb Pub
Overheard by: sinko
Old dude carrying blue plastic bag to pigeon: Pizza! My darling! Pizza! My pizza!
--9th St & 1st Ave
Hobo to passers-by: You need a dog! Don't eat the pizza, you will get fat!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lily
Oh No, Wednesday One-Liners Didn't!
Middle aged white woman on cell: I did not call you a scumbag, but you are a scumbag.
--3rd Ave & 85th
Overheard by: Guy Walking
Street youth to another: Nigga, you got a face like a hologram!
--159th St & Ft. Washington
Girl: Yeah, she was like, "Oh my god! Did you see what this guy was wearing?" Please, she should go to a state school, because it sounds like that's where she belongs.
--NYU
Girl to boyfriend, during fight: You're like an empty Christmas present!
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Lizzie
Guy on cell: Well, that's one way of looking at it, but could it be possible that you just suck as a person, and it was really all your fault?
--N Train
Overheard by: Shock-E
