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Another Man Wonders If She's Worth It
Young guy: Hey, what do you think about interracial marriage?
Young girl: What, you mean like gay people?
Guy: [Stares at her blankly.] ... What?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Raymond Saada
She Bought You That Vaginal Ointment You've Been Needing!
Lady over loudspeaker: Would a customer named *Amanda please report to checkout ten. *Amanda, please report to checkout ten.
[Pause of about 45 seconds.]
Lady over loudspeaker: *Amanda, please report to checkout ten. You mom is here and her back hurts.
--Pathmark-Atlantic Center Brooklyn
Overheard by: Bart Procacci
The Best Part of Waking Up Is Folgers in Your Sippy Cup
Six-year-old hippie girl to babysitter: If it's okay with you, can you take Tommy and I to Grey Dog, please?
Six-year-old preppy boy: What's "Grey Dog"?
Six-year-old hippie girl: My favorite coffee shop.
--Bleecker & 6th Ave
Headline by: chubba
Runners-Up:
· "By the Time She Was 13 She Had a Favorite Abortion Clinic." - DR G LUV
· "I Just Get The Cafe Au Breast Milk." - cbeck
· "If It Was 1908, She'd Be Working in a Textile Factory" - Nate
· "The Lattes Come with Biodegradable Crazy Straws" - Kristen
· "Their Mom Had Caffinated Breast Milk" - Josh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Give Her a Couple of Years, Diaghilev
Four-year-old, walking with father: I can spell "Ma-ma".
Father, to himself: Bitch didn't teach her how to spell my name, did she?
--9th St & 2nd Ave
And I'm Not Even Positive This One Is Mine
Older woman: Oh, is this your first baby?
Young pregnant girl: No, this is my last baby!
--Times Square Station
Ah, Thanksgiving with Family
20-ish guy: Maybe I'll get another drumstick this time.
Friend: Or another fuck you.
--Brand New Concert, Blender Theatre, Gramercy
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Locked in the Bathroom for an Awfully Long Time
Boy, to uninterested girl: You gotta date me! What you mean you only date 25-year-olds? Do you know what 25-year-old guys do?? They masturbate. All the time. It's true -my dad told me.
--Fordham Road Subway Station
Overheard by: ...as opposed to guys of all other ages??
Girl on cell: They keep doing it, and it's ridiculous. I mean, they should just whack it off in the bathroom like everybody else does.
--Auditions, 35th & 8th
Chick on cell: What's wrong with jerking off in the baggage claim at the start of a three day weekend?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Surly stocker to fellow coworker: If they keep calling me upstairs, I am not going to have time to eat, or masturbate, or anything!
--Duane Reade, 58th & 8th
Overheard by: I'm busy too
Boy on cell: I've never gone all the way with anyone -you know? [Pause.] ... I'm just enjoying myself.
--Broadway , Near Columbia University
Overheard by: julie
Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop
Girl: He's like, "Why so cold?" and I'm like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."
--43rd & 9th
Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?
--W 4th Street
Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom
20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever... Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me...I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn't feel clean until I got home and took a shower.
--Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Lauren Weiss
Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.
--Astor Place Subway Station
Overheard by: Shane and Sammy
Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don't lick me. I'm just trying to do my job."
--Uptown E Train
Overheard by: wondering where she works
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That
NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. ...But I think I'll be good at it.
--NYU
Overheard by: kat
Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.
--Walgreens, Atlantic Ave
Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!
--Szechuan Restaurant
Overheard by: tallierand
Female customer to employee: ...the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.
--Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows
Overheard by: evan FM
College sophomore: ... So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"
--USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Father to younger son: So you like second base right?
--Douglaston Market, Queens
Overheard by: Noelle
The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners
Young boy: Fuck school! When I'm old enough, I'm just going to stay home and make babies.
--1 Train
College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.
--40th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace
Girl on phone: I'm going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn't gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there's something pecking through my wall! I'm really freaked out!
--Bleecker and Lafayette
Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?
--St Marks Place, Staten Island
Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don't she just be a ... doctor!
--52nd & 7th
Professor: 42-year-old babies don't have bones.
--Schenectady County Community College
Don't Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch
Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: ... And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.
--6 Train
Overheard by: POLA
Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!
--Harlem
Overheard by: McFreaky
Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It's kind of cold for that.
--University & 9th
Overheard by: Mary Crippen
Skank: So I'm thinking "Now I've got to get rid of those panties!"
--54th & 9th
Overheard by: thats gross
Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I'm serious, I really need them!
--Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square
Overheard by: Amanda
Man getting into elevator: ... And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin'?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn't know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we're all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?
--Elevator, Empire State Building
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty
Girl to friend: I wonder what's the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.
--Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court
Overheard by: NTA
Guy talking to his friend: I don't believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.
--2nd St & Ave B
Overheard by: Max Berlinger
Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial
Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]
--1 Train
Overheard by: Subway rider
Guy on cell: Dude, you've got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it's like an emotional highway.
--Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Alina
College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!
--Broome St
Overheard by: YJL
