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But Would It Help If You Knew That "Cocaine" Was the Name Of a Hooker?
Old hobo sitting on sidewalk to grad student: Hey man! You want some cocaine?
Grad student: No, thanks man.
Old hobo: Alright, have a good night.
Grad student: You too.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: tee hee :)
Should We Set Them Up?
Construction worker #1: My boss, he's got a mustache like Hitler.
Construction worker #2: Mine's a Jew.
--Astoria
Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular
Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!
--Wall Street Bull
Overheard by: oh tourists
Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls...
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Colin
Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy... just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.
--97th St & Madison Ave
Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.
--Heath St & 231st St
Overheard by: Km
Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?
--W 148th & Broadway
You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner
College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low... Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Harker
Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!
--White Castle, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!
--Union Square
Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Laura
Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it... lotta pissing, huh?
--Mott & Prince
Wednesday M1-Liners
Bored bus driver: This is Eldar Avenue. Next stop is Kissena boulevard, and for those of you wearing headphones: blah blah blabbity blah.
--Q44
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Animated BoltBus driver: If you're talking on your BlackBerry, your strawberry, or to Halle Berry... Well, in that case, let me know...
--BoltBus
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, please continue moving to the rear end of the bus. The sooner you move, the sooner we move. Thank you for your cooperation. (long pause) Those who are cooperating... ladies and gentlemen, please step in. Watch the closing door. It's about to close riiiiight now.
--101 Bus, Harlem
Bus driver: Now the road may get a bit bumpy. Just keep in mind it's not my fault, it's not the bus's fault, it's the asphalt.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Bus driver: On your left you'll see men wearing orange vests, they are volunteers, they are helping their community. (long pause) They entered through the back of the bus or jumped over the turnstiles, and got fined. They couldn't pay the ticket, so the city lets them work it off, only for a day or two, so they don't have to pay the ticket. So don't enter through the back of the bus or jump the turnstiles.
--Q43
Bus driver: Please keep your voices low when using your cell phones. Last week a woman refused to heed that advice, so I stranded her at the first rest stop. That was my mother.
--BoltBus
Overheard by: MilitantLezbian
Wednesday One-Liners Paint with All the Colors Of the Wind
Young guy: If I see another blue penis it would be too soon!
--42nd St
Overheard by: alecko
Girl on cell: She just bought a merkin... It was pink, you know, to match her hair. (pause) Would you want to rub toxic dye down there?
--Williamsburg
Girl to another: Just because he is wearing a different colored shirt, he's still the same guy.
--Central Park
Flamboyant guy, shouting to girl in very short orange dress: I have that same orange dress in purple!
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Green Star
Mother to four-year-old wearing pink shirt and shoes: Not *everything* has to be pink, honey.
--Rite Aid, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Sunny
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That
Mother to two-year old son: Zachary, I am not continuing this discussion with you all day long! If you don't like what's in your mouth, just spit it out!
--Dunkin' Donuts
Nerdy Jewish Barnard girl on cell: I can just imagine it in my mouth, the taste of it.
--116th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sully
Young boy running with soaked t-shirt: I need to be squirted! Somebody has to squirt me!
--89th St
Father to young daughter: Want me to squirt it in your mouth?
--Astoria
Overheard by: Mark
Foxy Fox news producer to another: I know you wanted something hard, so I slipped you Shively!
--Starbucks
One-Liners All Have Wednesday DNA
Woman on cell: And then he threw the wig and car keys at him, and to me, that says family!
--West Village
Overheard by: Kate S
20-something on cell: Yeah, I Rickrolled my cousin's Bar Mitzvah last night. No, he didn't get it, the sheltered little Short Hills prick.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Trevor
Young guy in deli to friend: So getting support from my parents is like dealing with a record label. You have to create a buzz, make it seem like you're doing something, or they don't want to be involved with you.
--Frank's Deli
Drunk girl: That's my brother! But we're both only children.
--Pieces Bar, Christopher St
30-something man to 30-something woman: When are we ever going to find a time when both of our parents aren't home?
--7th & 1st
Do Wednesday One-Liners Amuse You? Do They Exist to Make You Laugh?
Professor: Fat people are often funny.
--Baruch College
Girl to friend: When she OD'ed on him, it was so funny!
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Caitlin
Ditzy-looking middle aged woman on cell: The funniest thing today with the kids! They slammed me to the door and one of them bit my arm and I drew blood! (pauses) Yeah, I know, I'm going back tomorrow!
--F Train
Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.
--8th St & Broadway
Brooklyn artist: After four or five organic vodka tonics, all the ironic hairstyles in the bar start to actually be funny.
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Got Game
Burly guy in cafe: Mind mapping's not a game. It's a reality.
--Ave A & 11th St
Overheard by: Anna P.
Cop to another: Some people play checkers, some people play chess. You, son, you play checkers.
--New Street & Beaver
Black librarian with dreads: In the game, you gotta give the black girl all your stuff, all your valuable stuff. You give it to her to hold and then you take it from her. That's how you get the trophy.
--Bronx Library
Drunk guy in the cafe car: Listen! Just because I'm white doesn't mean I can't play dominoes!
--Acela Train
Overheard by: Someone who can't play dominoes
And Nobody's Shooting at You
Girl: I need a job with benefits.
Guy: McDonald's has benefits--free lunch, and you get to learn how to make French fries.
--Prospect Park
He's in the Running for This Year's Scariest Voicemail Award
Man on cell: I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up, man. Do you even know I will fuck you up? Don't fuck with me, man, I will fuck you beyond fucked up. You are so fucked up when I see you next. Fuckin' bitch, fuck up. I will fuck you for fucking me, you fucking bastard. Fuck this shit, you fucking cock bitch.
--N Train
