According to Unsupported Facts Monthly

Girl #1: You know a lot of gays are really straight.
Girl #2: How so?
Girl #1: Most of them want kids.

--Downtown 1 Train


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The City Of Echoes

Drunk girl #1: Does this train stop at Penn Station?
Drunk girl #2: Hello?! Can somebody tell us if this train is going to Penn Station?
Drunk girl #1, apologizing: Ignore her, she's from Rochester.

--F Frain


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But We're Going to a Conference Next Week

Girl #1 to girl #3: In case you were wondering, we're kinda Lady Gaga experts. It's a very complicated subject.
Girl #2: And we don't quite understand it.

--Viva Herbal Pizzeria


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You Always Take His Side, Stacy!

Woman #1: I just don't get why he isn't being spontaneous anymore.
Woman #2: I probably wouldn't want to be "spontaneous" with my girlfriend who just slept with my dad either.

--92nd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Chick who didn't realize she lived in Melrose Place


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...Like Every Other Child Star.

Hipster #1: So what's he been up to lately?
Hipster #2: I think he's living with his brother-in-law... in a warehouse.
Hipster #1: Oh. Cool.

--3rd Ave & 11th St


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Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

--Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student


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To Be Fair, That's Its Scientific Name.

Earnest toddler in stroller, pointing at gorilla: Nuula blujunbabalooo.
Babysitter: Seriously?
Earnest toddler: Yeah!

--Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Olivia


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Worked for Dan and Roseanne Connor

Guy: Why would I struggle with a bigger woman?
Friend: Because you are not agile!

--49th & 3rd


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Wednesday One-Liners Were Pretty Hot, Back in the Day

20-something man walking into restaurant: I'd never bring my grandmother here for a date!

--27th & Lexington

Teen: That shit was sick! That shit was sick! I wanna go home and slap my grandmother!

--94th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Slapped her how?

Ghetto dude in fight with girlfriend: Your grandmother is a bitch!

--Murray St & Church St

Guy to friend: My grandma used to chase us around with fly swatters...

--Houston & Allen


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Wednesday One-Liners Grow Hair on Their Palms

Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch...

--Chinatown

Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.

--N Train

Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good... Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.

--Central Park

Overheard by: kate

Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.

--MegaBus, Top Deck

Overheard by: EuropanGal

20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.

--Macdougal & 4th

Overheard by: Billy H.

Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!

--Bryant Park


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Some Lengthy Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell walking dog: What? But doesn't she know how big my Johnson is?

--Mott Street

Overheard by: Erica

20-something male, while passing sculpture of male nude: I don't get it. If you're going to make it with a dick, why make it so small?

--Time Warner Center

Overheard by: sd

Short Indian man, loudly into phone: All I wanna do is make love to you tonight... with my 11-inch cock!

--7th Ave & 35th St

Overheard by: Jenn B

Drunk guy, after fighting with girlfriend: How she gon' be mad at me 'cause I got a big dick?

--F Train


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Wednesday's More Fun Than a Barrel Of One-Liners

20-something hipster to another, admiring long-legged blonde: How can you say you believe in evolution?! There is no way that that evolved from a monkey!

--1st Ave & 14th

Overheard by: Evolutionary

Little boy to brother: If I were a monkey, I'd take a crap on you.

--6 Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Man on cell: Then Tim-Jim jerked him off with his feet. Only a monkey can do that!

--Bedford & Metropolitan

Overheard by: theeatenpath

Middle aged man pushing daughter's stroller: I can't believe she got Curious George's autograph!

--16th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maquaid


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