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Work Day One-Liners
Postal worker to another: Oh, no, don't worry. You do what you want. It is impossible for them to fire you, girl.
--Tompkins Square Park
Mr. Big, sarcastically on cell: Is there anything else that I can do for you, honey, while I'm out making a living?
--First Class Cabin, American Airlines
Overheard by: Frequent Flyer
Scruffy drunk hipster guy to frumpy drunk hipster girl: That's how girls touch me... at work.
--Cobble Hill Brooklyn
Guy on cell: I really need to give up drugs cause, like, no one will hire me. I'm gonna wait a few weeks and try to get a job at Food Emporium.
--Astor Place
20-something girl to another: See, the thing with sweatshops is, at least they have jobs.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: arielle
Well-dressed gay man to another: Doesn't she know the best part of her job is going through the OfficeMax catalogue to order matching office supplies? That should be the highlight of anyone's day!
--E Train
Overheard by: lk
Plant a Wednesday, Harvest One-Liners
Girl holding orchid: Orchids are the thinking man's rose.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Samantha
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I'm telling you, these trees smell like semen.
--10th St b/w 1st & Ave A
Overheard by: Libby
Disheveled hobo to granola-looking lady with khaki shorts, matching hat, and three-foot braided ponytail: You goin' on a nature walk, baby? I'd like to take a hike with you and make sweet love beside a pine tree.
--89th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jesse Cromer
20-something hipster: He face-planted into my potted plant, and then later he pissed himself.
--Gowanus Yacht Club, Brooklyn
Overheard by: big bad don
Wednesday One-Liners Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me...
Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain't gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Steven
Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline!
--Virgil's, W 44th St
Overheard by: Check, please!
Thugette: I'm just going to say, "Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself."
--6 Train
Overheard by: i mean disrespect
20-something guy to friend: Man, you don't understand. I really respect this broad...
--35th St & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liner Can Be Made Of Ivory, Glass, Rubber and Sometimes Wood
Loud girl to friend: How the hell do you lose your vibrator?
--4th St & 2nd Ave
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm just waiting in line at Whole Foods. Still want me to bring the dildo over?
--Whole Foods
Gay man to boyfriend: I'm glad we could come here and show your coworkers that we really do buy lube for our sexual adventures.
--The Leather Man
Overheard by: i don't go to sex shops with my boyfriend
Creepy older man on phone: Someone should really dildo her.
--5th Ave & 58th St.
Overheard by: Courtney
Girl, loudly: Why didn't you tell me you bought lube?!
--Crowded NYU Elevator
Overheard by: S
Large woman to group of friends: And if someone asks a question, I just wave a dildo in front of their eyes!
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Liat
But I've Had This Hoboner for More Than Four Hours
Hobo: Yo, boy! Can I ask you something for a minute?
Teenage boy, walking quickly: I'm sorry, I'm in a rush.
Hobo: Bitch, it's not like I wanna fuck you or anything!
--Barrow St
Overheard by: Poky
Don't Wrestle Without a Condom, Kids
Black guy: Yo, I can't believe I turn 30 tomorrow.
Puerto Rican friend: Yeah, son.
Black guy: Like, I've got a family and a career! What the fuck is that all about?! What happened to my wrestling dream?!
Puerto Rican friend: Yeah, son.
--J Train
...I Own You
Trashy high school girl: I'm so glad I'm finally a freshman.
High school boy #1: Why?
Trashy high school girl: Because then I can make out with all the hot jocks.
High school boy #2: Wait... You make out with me.
Trashy high school girl: Yeah, but you're my boyfriend.
--Central Park
Even Though They Inhabit Different Fictional Universes?
Ditz #1: So yeah, I think Jesus was totally a mongoose soul.
Ditz #2: Totally. And Harry Potter, too.
(they nod together)
--F Train
Overheard by: Numbat
Stop Me If You've Heard This One
Gangsta to friend: Yeah, so, she started jerkin' him off and instead of cum, man, it was blood!
Friend: Oh shit, nigga!
Gangsta: And then she got one of those knife sharpeners.
Friend: Fuck!
--189th & Belmont
The Dreaded Sexican Standoff
Smooth guy: But baby, come on...
Irate woman, yellling: No! No! I will not do it! I will not have sex with you!
Smooth guy: But baby...
Irate woman: I cannot have sex with you! We're not in love! And until we're in love, I'm not having sex!
--57th & 7th
Weren't You Bush's Foreign Policy Advisor?
Mom: What did that little girl say to you?
Daughter: She said... that I'm ugly.
Mom: Well, you tell her that her mom is ugly. And then you punch her in the face, that's what you do. And then I'll go and punch her mom in the face! That's what you do!
--48th St & Broadway
Further Knowledge Is Now Unwelcome
Girl #1: Did you know that if you lick the wrapper of Big Red it'll stick to your forehead?
Girl #2: I learned about pineapple yesterday.
--Theater
