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And Has to Sober Up to Drive Home
[Woman walks into restroom with two small girls. Girls notice puke on the floor.]
Girl #1: Mommy, what's that?
Mom: That's puke.
Girl #2: Why did she puke?
Mom: She probably didn't feel well. Mommy's going to do that later because mommy's had way too much to drink!
--T.G.I. Friday's, Staten Island
Overheard by: Did I just hear that?
Eh, Either That or Good & Plenty
Skanky punk girl: Aren't you guys a little 5th avenue for this place?...
Girl in scarf, excitedly: Ooooh, we're 5th avenue?
--MARZ Bar, 2nd Ave & 1st St.
Overheard by: Arthur
They Can Go on Like This for Hours
Four-year-old daughter to father: Will you buy me a beer?
Father: I don't know. Will you buy me a beer?
--82nd & Amsterdam
That's What You Said When You Pooped on the Subway
Mom: Let's go inside, these flies are driving me crazy.
Six-year-old daughter: But mom, it's nature.
--Sidewalk Cafe, 120th & Malcolm X
Because I'll Swallow Anything
Guy: That's the house George Washington grew up in.
Girl: Wait, really?
Guy: No, you dumb bitch. Why did I ever marry you?
--70th Ave, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: emma
Getting Blown Is More of a Guy Thing
20-something girl: I was standing there on the subway, and this guy blew on me! And I was like, "Um, what?" and he was like "You started it!" and kept blowing on me! I think he put a curse on me.
Friend: This is why I take cabs.
--4th & 6th
Why I Stuck Out My Cane in the First Place
[A lady running up subway stairs slips and falls]
Guy walking behind her: Are you okay?
Lady, rudely: Ugh... Mind your own business.
Guy: I'm glad you fell.
--Willoughby St & Myrtle Promenade
Overheard by: azzie
Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don't care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: I can't fucking take this shit.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Morel Farember
The People Who Film and Distribute It?
Teenage girl: But she sucks a lot of dick for money!
Teenage boy: At least she's getting paid! You suck a lot of dick for free! Who's the winner in that situation?
--153rd St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Emily
This Actually Makes Me Want to Have Kids
Eight-year-old brother speaking to four year old brother in high pitched witches voice: First I'll burn you to a black crisp in a huge oven, then I'll start with your flesh...
Four-year-old: What will it taste like?
Eight-year-old brother, without pausing: It will taste like a delicious steak, then I 'll eat your teeth and they'll taste like crackers! But your hair, your hair will be completely burned off.
Four-year-old: [Giggles maniacally.]
--C Train
Overheard by: never having kids
We Don't Rave with Good Dancers
Chick: What are you doing this weekend?
Guy: I'm going to a passover rave.
Chick: What the hell is a passover rave?
Guy: That's where we have a Seder, then drop ecstasy and go dancing.
Chick: That is so awesome. Can I come?
Guy: You're not Jewish.
--Waiting Room, Pacific College of Acupuncture Clinic
Overheard by: Colleen
It Stems Back to a Traumatic Experience Involving One of His Bitches
Salesperson to small shaking dog: Are you cold or scared?
Man holding small shaking dog: He's afraid of dildos.
--Babeland, LES
