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USDA Choice Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old girl throwing a tantrum: I need bacon! I need bacon! I need bacon!
--R Train
Girl to two friends: You're upper-middle class and you're making hot dogs? That's disgusting!
--Broadway & 31st St, Astoria
Girl: You know how they got, like, bacon in their hands?
--St. Mark's Place
Guy to girlfriend: We should get some pastrami. I've always found it to be the most sensual of the cured meats.
--St. Mark's Market
Wednesday One-Liners Take the Offensive
Woman to boyfriend: 2nd Avenue is the nastiest of the avenues.
--2nd Ave & 6th St
Six-year-old girl to mother: I hit you on the back but you hit me on the head! You nasty! You nasty momma, I hate you.
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: rick
Obese, ghetto woman on phone with friend: You know, I love KFC. I love it. But sometimes it tastes nasty... So then I go to Popeye's.
--Q Train
Overheard by: xxem
Lady on phone: If she can afford a $400 bottle service at the club, she can damn well afford some maid service to clean up her nasty-ass house!
--Bolt Bus
Young man on phone at 8:45 am: Girl, you is a nasty one ain't ya? (pause) Hang on. I can't do this here. Go to Queensboro. Sit on it. I gots to conversate with your nasty ass.
--Subway Station, Astoria
Aaaaand That's a Wrap.
Guy in van: If you don't move that scooter, I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Scooter guy: My scooter!?
Guy in van: No, that goddamn sandwich!
Scooter guy: But this is a burrito...
--Kenmare & Mott
Overheard by: FJ Murray
That's a Starbucks, Sweetie.
Girl #1: Oh my god, is that the Empire State Building?
Girl #2: Oh, shit, yeah! Let's go!
--5th & E 10th
Overheard by: Sam Chalek
It's Cute How Quickly Tourists Start to Assimilate
Vagabond New Yorker walking through stagnant crowd: Excuse me, tourists!
Prissy tourist, after delay: Excuse me, asshole!
--Spring St
Hey, I Totally Drank the Kool-Aid
Hassidic kid at hardware store: What are chemicals?
Hassidic mom: Shut up.
Hassidic kid: What are chemicals?
Hassidic mom: Chemicals are chemicals.
Hassidic kid: But what are chemicals?
Hassidic mom: Just die!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tiff
Dude, That Reference Is So 2005.
Student: That skeleton is a quadruped and those other two are bipeds.
Scientist/tour guide: Excellent! Ten points for Gryffindor!
--American Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Anastasia
Sometimes Courtship Isn't Even Worth It.
Man in middle of midlife crisis, trying to look "world weary" but still sexy: Wow, you've seen The Big Lebowski?
Late teen, whose relationship to this man is disturbingly unclear: Oh yeah. All my friends told me I had to see it.
Man: That's a classic. If you want to be an actress, watch a Coen brothers movie, they are so good.
Late teen: Oh yeah? What else have they done?
Man, after five-second pause: Um, I don't know off-hand.
Late teen, continuing without a hitch: Well, I love horror movies. I've seen all of the Saw movies. And I've read all of the CSI books.
Man: If you like horror and crime scenes, maybe you should become a forensic scientist.
Late teen: Yeah, like I've always admired biology research.
Man: Weren't you thinking of studying dentistry?
Late teen: Yeah. But I don't like kids. Plus, I want to see a live heart and feel it pumping in my hand, you know? And I saw a cadaver once. At Columbia Presbyterian. My dad showed it to me.
Man, quickly: Wow.
Late teen: Yeah, I also like, you know, collecting stuff. I have a huge cigar collection.
Man, listening more attentively: Really? Can I see...
Late teen, interrupting: Well, it's my dad's collection. But I also have thousands of baseball cards. And stamps.
Man, annoyed that the cigar topic has taken a back seat: How did you get so many baseball cards?
Late teen: I've been collecting them, since I was young. Oh, and I just got the Simpsons stamps. They are so awesome!
Man: Yeah...
--Starbucks
...When Normal People Look at These Paintings, They See Vaginas.
60-something woman looking at painting: I see a face.
Teenage boy: You see faces everywhere, grandmother.
--Georgia O'Keefe Exhibit at The Whitney
Overheard by: tycho anomaly
This Conversation Has Officially Gone Off the Reservation.
Cute twink #1 to fag hag: So I was telling Rich about your organization, but he can't quite get on board with it.
Fag hag to cute twink #2: Oh, do you have some reservations?
Cute twink #2: No, I just walked in.
--Room Service, 9th Ave
Times Are Tough When You Can Buy Scots in Toys R Us
American lady #1: What are people from Scotland called?
American lady #2: Ummm... Scotlanders.
American lady #1: Thought so!
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Linzbh
Brooklynites Fear Queens, and Rightly So
Indian guy #1: Look! Awww, yeah! This is the a train to Lefferts, come on!
Indian guy #2: Cool, let's go.
Indian guy #1: That woman saved our life, bro! If we had stayed on that other train we would have ended up in far Rockaway, gettin' robbed and raped and shit!
Indian guy #2: Fuck that!
--Rockaway Blvd Station, Queens
Overheard by: Juan Chung
