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Wednesday One-Liners Raise the Roofie
Woman on phone: Mommy, how many people do you know who have been raped as much as her? None, exactly!
--Midtown East
Overheard by: dtrain
Woman on cell: And I didn't get raped on the subway today! It's always a good day when I don't get raped.
--6th Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: that's always good
Teen meathead on cell: Wait what? I can't really hear you. (pause) You got raped? Wait... physically or emotionally? (pause) Both? Shit.
--American Eagle Dressing Room
Overheard by: Alyssa
College bro to friend: Nah, dude, it's even better than a date rape drug!
--East Village
Girl: There are some girls who he would be more likely to rape. She's not one of them.
--Graham Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Stimulate the Economy
Tourist, loudly and proudly: They have this store at the mall!
--Louis Vuitton, 5th Ave
College girl: The second floor was pointless. It was, like, just furniture.
--Ikea, Brooklyn
Woman on cell: I'm not in a store! I know what a store looks like!
--Tompkins Square Park
Perturbed NYU chick, about New Orleans: Hopefully I will survive there for two years. They don't have H&M! Or Bloomingdale's or Anthropologie. They don't have Loehmann's...
--NYU Office
Overheard by: Melanie
Middle-aged guy passing clothing store with shirtless male models at front doors: Hollister? What is it, a ladies club inside?
--NoHo
Overheard by: Arielle
Wednesday One-Liners Make Your Eyes Water
Young man to another: And I was like, "No, man. A girl ain't supposed to smell like that, yo."
--Broadway & 37th St
Overheard by: glm
Loud Long Island woman to drunk friends: Yeah, I got really used to that smell once he came back from Nepal...
--LIRR
Guy to girl: I don't want to bring home a girl who smells like urine.
--36th & 5th
Hipster 20-something to preteen sister: This does not smell like Costa Rica! (pauses, as though to make sure) 14th Street in New York City does not smell like Costa Rica!
--14th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: David
Man complaining to friend: If she does that one more time... I mean, if that bitch comes home one more time with her breath smelling like some other guy's dick, I swear to fucking god... I'll leave her.
--Times Square
Overheard by: drekdude
Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser
20-something: I didn't even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: mtrainetiquette
Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight--it's my half birthday in 10 days.
--Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St
Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars...
--34th St & 5th Ave
Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?
--45th & 8th
Drunk girl to hobo: It's my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!
--111 & Broadway
Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows... Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.
--Union Square
Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.
--St.Mark's Place
Suit: And his head was askew...
--79th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.
--The Village
Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail--an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!
--8th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Rick
50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!
--Broadway & 59th St
Overheard by: Nikki
Wednesday One-Liners Could Be Prime Real Estate
Male hipster: I was all excited for Central Park, you know, and then I remembered: I've seen trees before.
--Central Park
Tourist, looking at souvenir photos of Central Park: You never realize how... central it is.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Xanthias
Tourist, looking down at map: Wait a second, guys, I can't find Central Park.
--Penn Station
Overdressed, overly made-up girl: The thing I don't like about Central Park is that it's too much like a forest.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Were "Working Late"
Girl on phone: I'm so sick of this! He keeps making excuses not to see me! I feel like I'm being used! (pause) No, really. (pause) I just can't deal anymore! We only hang out when he wants sex! (pause) And his excuses! Ohmigod! They are getting so lame. (pause) If it's not his work or boss, it's his nanny or his wife or his kid. (pause) I mean... what's his deal?
--Broadway & 20th St
Overheard by: Cali in NYC
Hispanic woman: And meanwhile the husband is in fucking Iraq, and she cheats on him with the UPS guy! What can brown do for you!
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Suit on cell: The love, the dirty sex, and the money... It's all going so well, and yet so sneaky. (hangs up, then dials another number) Mary, I think he's finding out... (pause) It's not my fault I am fucking my best friend's wife.
--79th St & Madison
Overheard by: Anna
Girl yapping on cell: It was amazing. I mean, I looked hot. (pause) Yes, I wore the naked dress. He took one look at me and had the "Uh-oh, can't control myself" expression. (pause) No, girl, his fucking wife is in town! I mean, whatever.
--51st St & Lexington Ave
Woman: He cheated... On JDate!
--26th & 8th
But I Call Her My Daughter
Anthropology professor: If you have a young girl with a knife who starts ripping up her chest, wipes off the blood, and starts rubbing ash onto her, you might call her eccentric.
--SUNY
Stony Brook, New York
Overheard by: I don't think I'd call her at all.
The Two Personality Types
Woman #1: It's a beautiful day outside.
Woman #2: I need to find a bathroom.
--Varick & Carmine
Sorry, Guess I Forgot
Tour guide: So you guys said you liked The Velvet Underground, right?
Various tour members: Yes.
Tourist wife to husband: No, we don't.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: j
Similes Gone Wild
Girl, trying to move through crowd: I always think of trying to get through crowds like being blood in a vein with clots in it.
Guy: Yeah. We need to get some Coumadin up in this joint!
--Farmers Market, Union Square
Overheard by: threadseven
We Applaud Our Submitter's Use Of the Word "Corpulent"
Corpulent 70-something gentleman, walking up to reception desk of upscale restaurant: I think I should get an awahd for wearing this shoyt today. You know who dis is? Died 50 yeahs ago on this exact day. Da greatest jazz singah of all time: Billie Holiday.
(reception staff stares blankly)
Corpulent 70-something gentleman: You nevah hoyd of her?!
--Nougatine Room
Overheard by: Andrew
