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In Every Denzel Washington Movie?
Black female police officer #1: You're not voting for Obama? He's black!
Black female police officer #2: Exactly, cuz when does a black man ever do anything for a black woman?
--M34 Bus
Barbara Walters Is Always Asking the Tough Questions.
Elderly customer: Excuse me, do you have enema bags?
Cashier #1: Enema bags?
Elderly customer: Yes, enema bags.
Cashier #1: Do we have enema bags?
Cashier #2: Animal bags?
Cashier #1: No, enema bags.
Cashier #2: Oh, enema bags?
Cashier #1: Yes. Enema bags.
Elderly customer: I'll check the pharmacy.
--Duane Reade, 19th & 7th
Overheard by: Kate
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "And This Is How Fido Got a Clean Colon" - lucas
· "Coincidentally Enough I Am Planning to Use It on an Animal." - robin
· "Elderly Boy Scouts Are Always Prepared" - Rose
· "Love Thy Enema" - threetimefinalist
· "No, But We Do Know the Muffin Man" - BabakganoosH
· "The Deli Was Probably a Bad Place to Start" - Brian
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Are We Friends?
Girl #1: I used to drink Sprite all the time. Can't drink soda anymore.
Girl #2: So what do you drink now?
Girl #1: Sprite Zero.
--3rd & Lexington
Whittling Is Huge Here
Preteen tourist girl #1: I can't believe I'm walking down a New York street. I feel like I'm gonna get stabbed.
Preteen tourist girl #2: Oh my god, does that happen a lot?
Preteen tourist girl #1: Yeah, everyone in New York carries a knife.
--55th St & 5th Ave
No Shit
Emo: Do you do anal?
JAP fox: Uh, no, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, just hasn't come up yet.
Emo to another girl: Do you do anal?
Another girl: Bitch! I can't even take a shit.
--Special Boutique, 2nd & Bedford
Overheard by: Este
Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!
Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!
--Lingerie Department, Macy's
Overheard by: me neither
Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.
--W Broadway & Grand
Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!
--F Train
Overheard by: Brittany Smith
Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.
--108th & Broadway
Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.
--Empire State Building
Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!
--48th & 8th
Little People--Big Wednesday One-Liners
Greasy guy on cell: Yeah, there was this whole big to-do. They had all these little midgets running around--it was a whole Willy Wonka thing going on.
--42nd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Aren't They Called Little People?
Midget on mobile: Man, you don't know how tough it is, these little women are tough, they know what they want... Yeah, yeah... The are like tigers, they'll eat you up!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: JT
Flyer guy: Comedy show, folks--we got midgets!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: BeccaGo
Guy: High-five if you like midgets and drugs!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shannon
Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it big for my birthday. No I'm thinking more like midget strippers...eh, I haven't decided what I want it to be. (pause) Oh yeah, sorry, not "it," "him" or "her." No, I think dwarfs have magical powers, that's the deal. Not racist, dwarfist maybe.
--Chinatown Bus
Overheard by: Evan
Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.
--41st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Glad I'm not short
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound
Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"
--NYU Law School
Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.
--Columbia Law School
Overheard by: arctinus
Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.
--42nd & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.
--Supreme Court Building
Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: How did he know?
Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?
--132nd & St. Nicholas
Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.
--Outside Shea Stadium
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'
Preppy guy: They say beggars can't be choosers, which makes sense, because we're choosers.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Annie
Red Table change collector guy: Help feed the homeless of New York! All it takes is a penny and a heart, you fucking assholes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bemused
Girl to friend: I thought of you the other day; I saw a homeless man's penis.
--Lucky Jack's, Orchard St.
Overheard by: Argopelter
Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.
--79th & Broadway
Guy to girl sitting at a sidewalk cafe: I know, what is with her? She dresses like a homeless person. And not Mary-Kate Olsen homeless but I-think-I-saw-her-passed-out-in-an-alleyway-with-a-heroin-needle-sticking-out-of-her-arm- homeless.
--10th St & 2nd Ave
Girl, to guy who has just spat on floor: Don't do that! Homeless people sleep there!
--6 Train Station
Are Wednesday One-Liners Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny-Peculiar?
Guy eating pancakes: Everything's funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
--IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
--Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that's funny? It's not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
--Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn't it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
--8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It's funny because I'm pregnant, and he doesn't know.
--Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That's not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That's funny!
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b-o-n-g.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle
Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don't smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don't get high tonight!
--125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Plausible
Young hipster: So I said, "Mom, did you smoke with me?"
--Central Park Reservoir
Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don't want me smoking pot, you don't want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don't want me chewing gum and now you don't like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that's okay with you?
--L Train
Overheard by: It's me, bitches.
Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to you pot dealer, because the stuff you're smoking is really good.
--Cooper Union
Overheard by: me too
Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I'm serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don't you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can't see anymore and then I'll be there. Alright? Bye.
--8th Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Erica Friedman
Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn't smell like weed?
--Washington Square Park
Read My Lips, Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: No I'm not bringing anything, this is not a date, it's 10 o'clock on a Friday night. I'm bringing my vagina, that's what I'm bringing.
--Court St & 2nd Place
Girl on cell: I mean, there's nothing obviously wrong with my vagina!
--23rd & 7th
Girl on bike: I feel like I've had a pencil up my vagina for 10 hours!
--Hudson River Bike Path
Distraught NYU student: I'm covered in vaginal cream.
--NYU Dorm, Union Square
Overheard by: Erica Fuld
Hurried young guy on cell: Well, you can't just sniff anyone's vagina!
--W 52nd b/w 9th & 10th Ave
Gay on phone: But what does her vag look like?
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Liz
