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Take Me Out to the Wednesday One-Liner Game
Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!
--NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!
--5th Ave
Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.
--F Train
Overheard by: Teabag
Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.
--Broadway
Overheard by: sounds yummy
Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time... I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: vicky
Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.
--42nd St & 10th Ave
There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Kristen
20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."
--1 Train
Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York... It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.
--L Train
Overheard by: I agree...
Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.
--D Train
20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.
--Barnes & Noble Cafe
Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.
--Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Penny
Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.
--Uptown 4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards
Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.
--PATH Train
Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"
--4th & 10th
Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.
--E 11th St
Overheard by: j
Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!
--Bedford & 6th St
Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.
--Borders, Wall St
Overheard by: step
Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!
--Outside Barrymore Theatre
Overheard by: Pasta...Salad
Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm
20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to loose some weight.
--Bowery
Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor
20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation
Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.
--Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ashley
Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!
--Columbus Circle
They Get Depressed, Too
Guy #1: What is that?
Guy #2: Ice cream for pussies!
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Let Me Guess--You Voted for Him?
History genius: Was Bush president in 2002?
Friend: Yeah, he was elected in 2000.
History genius: Oh. (pause) So, if he gets elected again, he'll be president until 2016?
--V Train
Overheard by: Jordan
Introducing, Jessica Simpson's Next Commercial Venture
Girl #1: She's trying to wear all those low-cut shirts.
Girl #2: Yeah, with all the pimples on her chest that shit is nasty.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know, right? She needs some Proactive for her titties or something.
--B6 Bus
Tonight on Ninja Mom
Mother wagging finger, scolding son: I'm very disappointed in you!
Six-year-old son: Mommy, don't get mad at me, we were only trying to break each other's bones.
--W11th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Julie
Little Benny Wouldn't Mellow Out 'Til He Teamed Up with Jerry
Man to young son on Yom Kippur services: Listen, Benny, if you don't sit in services, god is going to write your name in the book of death.
Benny: Book of death! Book of death!
--Congregation B'nai Israel
Except Those Who Are Giving It
Man #1: I don't want to take it in the ass.
Man #2: What does it matter? Everybody is taking it in the ass.
--28th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: danny
Well I Am a Proctologist.
Guy #1: Yeah, she looked like such a mess. Her ass was hanging out and everything. Man, if that was my daughter I would take her aside and say, "Listen. Cover yourself up. That's only for daddy."
Guy #2: Hahaha, for sure. (pause) Wait. Say that again.
--54th St
Eww, You Mean Like Friendship?
Hipster guy: He's 65?
Hipster girl: I think so, yes, he's a photographer.
Hipster guy: I just don't understand what the attraction is.
Hipster girl: Well, it's not like I want to have some Hollywood romance, I just want to go over to his apartment and like eat a sandwich and play with his dog.
--Uptown A Train
