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Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Snooze Button
Girl to friend: Dude, so I was totally falling asleep on the toilet at work and thought of you!
--Abilene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mateo
Homegirl on cell pacing by the subway: Woman put a cigarette out on my daughter. I hear about it, come rushing down, there's cop cars and shit out down the block. I pull up, pull out my gun, no shit, put that shit right in that bitch's mouth. And she didn't think I was serious till I cocked that mother fucker back an' scream, "what did you do to my daughter!?" Shit was crazy. And that was one of the most fucked up dreams I've ever had.
--1 Train
Overheard by: simon
Buff guy on cell: Yo, nigga, what up? I got the truth right here, I haven't slept for three days. You hear me? I been awake for three days! I ain't never gonna sleep again! I'm going for eternity! Eternity, nigga! I am the agent of god! The agent of god! You hear me?
--110th & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Flaxxxen
Comedy guy: I know you all like to get a lot of rest for your health. Well, this show will put you right to sleep.
--Times Square
Overheard by: meq
Hipster to girlfriend, stoically: I liked you better when you were sleeping.
--Bushwick
I Always Knew Girls Were Bad at Mat.
Girl, holding yoga mat: Can I see it first?
Guy: Think yoga mat times two.
Girl: I don't know if I can handle that!
--Grand St & Mercer
Which Kardashian Is Which? Show Your Work.
Girl #1: She's not a whore...
Girls #1, #2, #3, in unison: She's a tease!
Girl #4: That's stupid. I'd rather be a whore.
--Crocodile Lounge
Overheard by: a Tease
You'll Never Really Understand the Other Gender 'til You've Walked a Mile in Its Shoes.
Woman, watching ice skaters: I can't watch the Super Bowl.
Man: How can you not watch the Super Bowl?
Woman: Can you go shoe-shopping for eight hours and not buy anything?
Man: Good point.
--Rock Cafe, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: KateislostinNYC
If You Start Singing Aretha Again, I'm Traveling with Someone Else.
Latino teen #1: I just figure when I get to Mexico I'll ask for bud and hope I don't get kidnapped...
Latino teen #2: No, nigga... sock it!
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Learning to Withhold Intercourse Is Truly a Beautiful Rite Of Female Passage
Girl #1: Okay, so how do I get him to believe me? I need him to believe me!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: I need Chris to belieeevveee me!
Girl #2: Listen, girl, just tell "you better believe me you're in jail! Believe me." It's all you can do, gurl!
--High School
Before They Become Cute and Cuddly Werewaiters
Husband at deli: Nice waiter. Remember how rude they used to be?
Wife: Well, I'm sure during the day they still are.
--Carnegie Deli
Overheard by: Alan Blum
Wasn't This a Denzel Washington Movie?
Female MTA employee, over PA, after train doesn't stop at Fordham: Chris, we missed Fordham.
Male MTA employee, also over PA, sounding drunk: I fucked up.
--Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Mike
Rupaul Was a Feisty Little Kid.
Mother: Do you remember what this is?
Four-year-old son: No.
Mother: It's what mommy has. Its a vagina. Remember all little girls have a vagina.
Four-year-old son: No, they don't.
Mother: What do they have?
Four-year-old son: Penis.
Mother: No, that's what little boys have.
Four-year-old son: Oh, yeah, hehehe... I forgot.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Nellie Adrien
Translation: "You'll Get a Three-Cent Tip in the Bottom Of a Water Glass."
Waiter: So everyone here is getting a water?
Girl: Yeah, we're easy. (winks)
--Uno Pizzeria
Overheard by: Anastasia
Short Term Memory Loss Can Be a Real Drag.
Hobo: Excuse me, sweetie, can I bum a cigarette?
Female tourist: Eh... I already bummed you one.
Hobo: Oh, you did? When?
Female tourist: About eight minutes ago.
Hobo: Really? (proceeds to take pack from his pocket, pulls a cigarette and lights up) I must have forgot.
--Spring & Broadway
Umm, This Is Metro NY.
Black guy #1: Hey, come get your newspapers here!
Black guy #2: Hey man, is they free?
Black guy #1: Ohmigod. That's the problem you with you black people! Damn, ya always want free shit! No, nigga, it ain't free!
--2 Train
