Chick #1: So did you call him?
Chick #2: Nah.
Chick #1: Why not?
Chick #2: He literally looks like an old turtle.
–D Train
“And Your Pussy Looks Like…”
Woman #1: And then she said, your ass looks like my dog!
Woman #2: She’s right.
–West Village
Go Back to Israel!
Jewess: That’s the third time you mentioned Jews. What’s wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh…Baptist.
–Times Square
Overheard by: J. Peter Jones
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST
Copy boy: Mr. Murdoch on the line. The news editor on duty picks up the phone. News editor: Right. Right. OK…Source? No source…Right…It’s Gephardt. OK. –NY Post Offices
Straightlines without Punchlines
Man: This guy who works at the library is thinking of spending $1600 and getting the Star Trek emblem tattooed on his chest. –Library Bar
But I Want Emphysema Now
Cashier: Here’s your change. Have a good day.
Smoker: Matches.
Cashier: There’s no matches left, sorry.
Smoker: No matches? Without matches it’s not worth it.
–Rite-Aid, Bensonhurst
Illegal Chinese Fireworks
A two year old Chinese girl decided to squat on a manhole cover. Chinese Mom: What are you doing?! That will warm up your butt and it will burst into flames! –66th & Columbus Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Punchlines without Straightlines
Very Straight Guy: Hey, it’s not like I’m giving Ellen DeGeneres a claddagh ring! –Jeremy’s Ale House Overheard by: Megan Buckley
A UN for Assholes
Jerk: I love making fun of the German. I love making fun of the French, too. I’m an equal opportunity destroyer. –D Train
Pencil Envy
A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil. Boss: I don’t ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger? –UES Overheard by: Mindi Laine