Would You Like It As a Suppository?

Preppy-looking 30-something, pointing to the rice: Ew! What is that green stuff?
Underpaid Chipotle employee: It's cilantro.
Preppy-looking 30-something: I don't even know what that is. Why would you put that there? –Chipotle, Union Square Overheard by: shorty j


Whew!

Young suit: Does putting my Oxycontin dealer into my new phone before Laura* make me a bad boyfriend?
Female Suit: No… I think that just makes you a drug addict. –61st St & Park Ave


The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could

Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that! –34th & 7th Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow! –2nd floor, Port Authority Overheard by: JoBell Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express! –DeKalb station Overheard by: jaded Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how. –1 train Overheard by: minerfa Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that. –F train Overheard by: dianora

Tonight on BallBusters

Guido: I want to see if I can kick his balls through his hat.
Girl: Through his hat?
Guido: Yeah, they'd have to go through his brain and skull first, though.
Guy #1: I'm pretty sure they'd get stuck like halfway through his abdomen.
Guy #2: They'd probably burst, actually. –A Train Overheard by: Brian


Along With the Dementia I Already Have

Proprietor: I heard you had a fall.
Octogenarian: Oh, yes. I had a fall. They even took me to the hospital for six hours. They tested me for everything except syphilis.
Proprietor: That's what they're supposed to test you for first.
Octogenarian: I wish I had syphilis. At least then I'd be having some fun. –73rd & Columbus Ave Overheard by: G