At Least the Alphabet Answers Me

Older sister leading younger brother to sanctuary rail before mass: Now, you kneel down and you pray. Fold your hands like this (demonstrates) and now we pray. (begins murmuring “Our Father”)
Little brother (eyes sister anxiously, begins softly singing): A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l…
Older sister: Are you praying?

–Jerome Ave & Morris Ave

This Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners

Lesbian hipster to girlfriend, smiling: I love that you get on my nerves now!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Dan

Hoochie on cell: Look, I love you — you’re my best friend — but if I don’t hang up this phone, I’m going to tell you what I really think, and you’ll be pissed.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: EthanK

WASP yuppie on cell: We were really proud of ourselves… And then we stayed in a loving place all day.

–N train platform, Astoria

Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.

–34th & 30th

Paris: But, Nicole, You’re Black

Rich chick: So now he’s telling me we need a kid. I don’t want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I’d consider it if we can get one that’s actually white. You know. ‘Cause you never really know what they’re giving you.
Friend: That’s so true.

–Macy’s

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?” –Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway Overheard by: Nick Draven Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn. –Gristedes, West Village Overheard by: KoryD Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy. –5th & President, Park Slope Overheard by: b Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it. –6th St & 1st Ave

What a Dump

Men #1 & #2: What is that?!
Man #3: Yep, yep, that’s me! Sorry, sorry! It’s me. I just don’t understand it — I’ve never shit my pants in my entire life!
Man #4: That’s disgusting!
Man #3: Sorry, sorry.
Elevator operator: Welcome to New York City.

–Elevator at W Hotel, Union Square

Nah, It’s Just America

Black fashionista #1, about nearby pick-up truck’s radio: What the hell kind of music is that?
Black fashionista #2: Uh, I think it’s country or some shit.
Black fashionista #3: Wait — is he black?!
Black fashionista #1: Oh, that is just wrong!

–97th & CPW

Overheard by: genre reassigning surgery