What Do You Want on Your Tombstone?

Girl: You know, sometimes I just feel like breaking down and crying.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza?
Girl: Seriously, life can be so hard sometimes, I really can’t take it anymore.
Guy: Have you considered suicide?
Girl: Fuck you!
Guy: Well seriously, you need to stop complaining about life or just kill yourself and get it over with.
Girl: Fuck you. I’m getting off at the next stop and going back home.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza? –Q train Overheard by: Jimmy Crehan

Back Off, Man. I’m a Wednesday One-Linerist

Teacher: I mean, with all the salt I eat, my blood pressure should be equal to Avogadro’s number over Planck’s constant! But it’s not…

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-school Latina to posse of Asian males: Asian girls aren’t smaller — they have six muscles in their vagina, and white girls have four, and black girls have two. That’s because black guys have the biggest penises, so the women have fewer muscles. And Asian men have the smallest, so the women have six muscles so it feels tighter… It’s true. I learned it in biology.

–Brooklyn-bound N train

Overheard by: Shannon

Conductor: This is the train to Huntington. This is the train going to Huntington! If you didn’t hear your stop before, this is not the train you’re supposed to get on! Come on, people — this is not quantum physics, people! If your stop is not called, this is not your train!

–LIRR, Huntington Branch, Jamaica stop

Overheard by: Jenn

Skanky mom: Just not too much science stuff, okay?

–In line, Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dork

Jesus Doesn’t Keep Flecking Our Faces with Spit

Subway preacher, after incoherent rant: So, can I get a ‘Hallelujah’? [Passengers silent.] Well, then can I get a ‘Thank you, Jesus!’? [Passengers silent.] Okay, then. Now I’m just going to talk to the born-again Christians on this train. Everybody else can ignore me — just like you’re ignoring Jesus!

–4 train

Overheard by: JVM

The Curse of the Drinking Class

Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job. ]Lightly pushes guy. No response.] I said, fuck you. Get a job! [Pushes him harder.]
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job!
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you! Get a job! [Pushes him down.]
Guy: What the hell?! I have a job! I have a job!
Drunk girl: I don’t care! Get a job!

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Overheard by: Darien

Hey, I Totally Drank the Kool-Aid

Hassidic kid at hardware store: What are chemicals?
Hassidic mom: Shut up.
Hassidic kid: What are chemicals?
Hassidic mom: Chemicals are chemicals.
Hassidic kid: But what are chemicals? 
Hassidic mom: Just die!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tiff


Ten, if It’s a Grande

Barista #1: Guess what I just did — drank a whole package of frappucino mix.
Barista #2: Ew.
Barista #1: She said she’d pay me five dollars.
Barista #2: What if you get, like, diarrhea or something?
Barista #3: I’ll give you seven if you get diarrhea.

–Starbucks, 111th St

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut