Best Quotes from the past two weeks




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Just As Long As It's Chicks Who Are Willing to Sleep with Me

20-something hipster boy #1: So, you ever think that the US will stop being the most powerful nation in the world?
20-something hipster boy #2: Well, if not us, then who?
20-something hipster boy #3: They say China will take over eventually.
20-something hipster boy #2: China? What the hell are they gonna do, drop people on us?

--E Train

Overheard by: chinese girl who sat next to them


Posted 2010-02-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She's Hoping He'll Become Her Ventriloquist Dummy

Boy on cell on platform: So yeah, I'll be there soon...I'm at the... um... The um... The... what do you call it? I'm waiting for the umm, and I'm at the... (sighs) What do you call it?
Girl next to him, whispering loudly: Traaaaiiinnn statiiionnnnn!
Girl next to her, yelling: Platform, train station, waiting for a train!
(Boy walks away still on phone)

--Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Gabriela


Posted 2010-02-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...We're a Bank, Sir.

Furious hobo: I just got run over in your parking lot and I can't even get a beer!?
Woman: Sir, we don't even serve beer.

--Northern Blvd, Queens


Posted 2010-02-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Like That Awesome Hobo Who Urinated on Us Earlier!

Tourist: I read about this place in that New York book I got from the library.
Guy in line: Did it also tell you that when it's a full moon everything is half off?
Tourist to friend: Dude! We should just both get the large, then.
Friend: I love this town and its little quirks like this.

--Gray's Papaya


Posted 2010-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Bait Like This Calls for a Bigger Fish

Comedy club guy: Are you ready to be dazzled by comedy?
Cute girl: Do I look like a fucking tourist to you?
Comedy club guy: Well, are you ready for a boyfriend then?
Cute girl: Maybe if you looked better.

--42nd St & Broadway


Posted 2010-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The iTouch App We've All Been Waiting for

Blonde #1: I just got my boobs done!
Blonde #2: Oh, wow! They're so cute!
Blonde #1: They don't look too big or rock hard, do they? They hurt so much, I feel like a damn porn star!
Blonde #2: No, they look awesome!
Blonde #1: Wanna feel them?
Blonde #2: (squeezes friend's boobs)

--Apple Store, 14th St

Overheard by: Susie


Posted 2010-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Raise Your Hand If You Love Drunk Talk

Guy #1: So I spent most of the night at her place, but we only made out.
Guy #2: Dude, she wanted to fuck you!
Guy #1: I know, I don't know what I was doing.
Guy #2: Well, dude, you did fuck her!
Guy #1: What'ya mean?
Guy #2: She wanted to fuck you, but you didn't fuck her, right?
Guy #1: Right.
Guy #2: She got fucked!

--Lolita Bar


Posted 2010-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Gin and Sour Defeat

Guy in car to cop: Can you help me out with directions?
Cop: Yeah, sure. Where are you going?
Guy in car: Staten Island.
Cop: Yeah, you smell like you're going to Staten Island.

--Shea Stadium Parking Lot

Overheard by: BigVinnyVito


Posted 2010-02-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wouldn't That Involve Strobe Lights and a Disco Beat?

Blue-haired old lady, after flaming gay guy sets off theft alarm: What was that?
Store clerk: Gaydar.

--Barnes & Noble, 17th St

Overheard by: steve


Posted 2010-02-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or a Muzzle.

Daughter: Daddy, I want a cookie!
Father: I'll say yes if you ask for an apple instead. (pause) Or a Brussels sprout.
Daughter: Ahhhhh!

--115th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Special K


Posted 2010-02-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...So I'd Rather Not Have My Rug Peeking Out.

Guy to friend trying on shirt: Open another button, man.
Friend trying on shirt: Nah, man, I'm not a Persian...

--Store, SoHo

Overheard by: a Persian


Posted 2010-02-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

New York Has Many Visitors from Intersecting Alternate Realities

Girl #1: I don't get it, but like... Are there two suns?
Girl #2: Pardon?
Girl #1: I dunno. But the sun here is so much hotter than where I'm from.
Girl #2: Oh my god. Shhh!

--5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: Sunny


Posted 2010-02-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Where Did the Money Go? Discuss.

Blonde: Look, that guy in the gray sweater is the only one working here.
Brunette: I know! It's terrible.
Blonde: I wish the government would come by and look at this, and see all these people waiting. We should call them.
Brunette: Do you think they care?
Blonde: No.

--Social Security Office, 2nd Ave


Posted 2010-02-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Isn't That What Divorce Court Is?

Blazed girl #1: So what I'm saying is: 50% of American marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death.
Blazed girl #2: There's no other way for them to end?
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1% of American marriages end in sending your husband to the moon.
Blazed girl #2: No seriously, there must be some other way.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, yes: 2% of American marriages end in feeding your husband to a whale. He's still alive, but he's inside a whale, so you're not married.
Blazed girl #2: But what about if you go to a foreign country and you're still married to your husband but you, like, marry all the other guys you want?
Blazed girl #4: Well, you're still married. Also, there's no country where that's legal. So, no.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1.5% of American marriages end in putting your husband in a glass box, like in a cage. And watching him do tricks.

--86 Bus

Overheard by: I like Blazed Girl #3


Posted 2010-02-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'll Take "Great 21st Century Lies" for $200, Alex

Girl: I'm not going to pretend that things are fine when they are not. You don't have feelings for me.
Guy: Don't say I don't have feelings. I have feelings for you, they are just in a different category.

--59th St & Lexington


Posted 2010-02-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Try Me Next Week When My Manic Cycle Kicks in

Greenpeace guy: Hey, sign this petition!
Girl in black: No, thanks.
Greenpeace guy: It's to save the Earth!
Girl in black: Fuck the Earth.
Greenpeace guy: But what about the children?
Girl in black: Fuck the children.

--7th Ave & 25th

Overheard by: NSC


Posted 2010-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

New Yorkers Are Notorious for Bungee Compliments

Woman: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!
Man: I take it back.

--26th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Rose Fox


Posted 2010-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ouch, That Irony Smarts.

Guido #1, in thick Staten Island accent: Yo, yo bro, I found this thing on Word, it makes you sound smarter.
Guido #2 in same accent: No way, bro! What is it?
Guido #1: I don't know, it's this thing, you click it and it gives you all these words that make you sound smarter.
Guido #2: What's it called?
Guido #1: Sin... Sinono... Sino-somethin, but I swear to god, bro; it makes you sound smarter.

--St John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Not from Staten Island


Posted 2010-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Readers, Who Would Win in This Fight? Weigh In!

Female suit to thug trying to push through to the front: You know, there's really nowhere for you to fit in here.
Thug: Don't mess with me, I'm from The Bronx.
Female suit: Don't mess with me. I'm from Jersey.

--1 Train


Posted 2010-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Pot Calling the Kettle "Wednesday One-Liner"

Guy blocking overcrowded subway car to elderly woman trying to squeeze by: Hey! You could say "excuse me!"

--Uptown N Train

Woman, eating falafel: I'm trying to stay away from fried foods.

--40th St

Five foot, 250-pound woman to friend: Wow! That girl in front of us is fat!

--42nd & 8th

Man on cell: Maybe you're the one with the fucking anger problem! Dick!

--Outside The Met

Overheard by: Yellow!


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Are What She Said

Conductor: Please stop holding my doors open in the back! (pause, no change) Stop pushing open my doors in the back! (pause, no change) Hey, I don't want no more people squeezing through my openings in the back, okay?

--Q Train

Overexcited tourist dad to little girls: Alright, Jade*, blow the bubbles towards Leah*. Yes, towards her, like facing each other, so I can take a picture... When I tell you, okay? Perfect. Okay, now blow each other.

--Liberty Park

Suit: Well, it's not very large by adult standards, but it's big for what it is.

--Queens

Male office worker: My drawers are getting tight already.

--Broadway

Old woman: Would you like to give a donation to help feed our pussies?

--PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Lex


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Are My Anti-Drug

Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall... or taking it with water.

--24th St & 3rd Ave

Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.

--Bleecker & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jack

Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!

--N Train

Architecture professor: Everything in moderation... except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.

--Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

George W. Bush: "Is Our Children Wednesday One-Linering?"

Ghetto mother, about daughter: She hard on herself when it comes to her grades. That comes from her father. I told him, "you better stop that, or else you're gonna bust her brain."

--Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Raven

Truant girl on cell: I didn't! (pause) No, I didn't! (pause) I didn't skip! (pause) I didn't go! It's not the same thing! (pause) No, it isn't! (pause) I didn't go anyplace! I didn't go to somebody's house or nothing! (pause) It's not the same! I didn't skip! I just didn't go! (pause) No, it's not the same! It is not!

--8th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: stephie

Proctor, seeing a student come into testing room: Hey, aren't you that kid who was smokin' yesterday? Oh, yeah, that's right, you're the one that flipped me the bird! Now I have yo' name and yo' ID numba, and I can call up yo' parents... Today is just my lucky day!

--Stuyvesant High School

Long Island guy: I can't wait to get back to college. The girls there are so hot. I can't wait to get my DNA on em, know what I'm sayin'?

--LIRR

Indian chick on cell: What's good? I'm not taking Hindi anymore, that's what's good! Hellll fuckin yeahhh! Whoooo!!

--Astor Place

Overheard by: me neither


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It in the Family

Guy on cell: Well, right now my brother and my girlfriend share a bedroom.

--Washington Square North

Overheard by: Daniel

Young nanny to six-year-old girl, crossing the street: What do you care about more, your brother or your scooter?

--76th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Sonny

Daughter to obnoxious mom: Just because you are a member of my family doesn't mean I won't backhand you.

--NYU Coles Sports Center

Overheard by: Maria

Man to woman, while crossing street: Look, all I'm saying is there are a lot of men who like your sister even more then they like you--and that's saying a lot!

--6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Wemily


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Feel Like a Woman or Whatever

Asian girl: A tranny spat and peed on me last night... so I guess I'm okay.

--Screaming MiMi's Boutique

Overheard by: Nancy

Gay guy, after woman bumps into him: Did you just step on my vagina?

--A Train

College boy: So then I woke up and realized I was next to a tranny...

--Manhattan College

"Girl" sitting at the door: My panties are too small to hold my dick in.

--Williamsburg

Catholic school girl, carrying large backpack, to friend: I'm looking forward to leaving this bathroom a guy. A very effeminate guy, but still a guy.

--Bathroom, Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Innocent Bathroom-goer


Posted 2010-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Almost Like Male Cheerleaders Don't Like Girls or Something!

Ghetto girl #1: Like, at least he's honest about it.
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, I know. Like I hate it when guys be fronting and saying they can get it up when they can't.

--City as School, Girls' Bathroom


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Great-- Now Can You Say That through Jazz?

Stringy black jazz singer #1, watching BBW woman squeezed into barbie-pink tiny jeans: Damn!!!
Stringy black jazz singer #2: Oh mah gawddd!
Stringy black jazz singer #1: Daaaaaammmnnnn!!!
Stringy black jazz singer #2: Ooooooohh maaaahhh gaaaawwwwwddddd!

--Washington Square Arch


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Keep Walking 'til You Reach the Water. Then Keep Walking.

Dumb tourist: Excuse me, am I heading toward the Empire State Building?
New Yorker: No, you're in Brooklyn!
Dumb tourist: So... Does that mean I'm really far off?

--Park Slope


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Then Say It in Spanish So We Can Learn the Language

Spanish babysitter: These people are working me to death. They have me doing all their errands.
French babysitter: I know.
Spanish babysitter: I hate my job!
Four-year-old boy: No, you can't say that. You should always say "I don't like my job."

--72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: z


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Eyeliner Tattooing? Definitely.

Girl: She got it for her grandfather.
Guy: He ain't gonna like that.
Girl: You don't know him.
Guy: All I'm sayin' is unless she wins the lotto, she's never gonna be anything but middle class.
Girl: She ain't even middle class!
Guy: I mean she won't get any better than that. Companies just don't hire people with face tattoos. But maybe it's different for girls.

--168th St

Overheard by: Acacia Graddy-Gamel


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Also, You Just Directed Me Towards the Saran Wrap

Dude: There's a new kind of condom out that makes you feel like you're not wearing it.
Pharmacist: I don't know, sorry.
Dude: But you're a pharmacist.
Pharmacist: The product is over there. (points at all condoms)
Dude: Okay, thanks for knowing nothing.

--Duane Reade

Overheard by: Dave G


Posted 2010-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Republicans: *Sob*

Father: You don't tell me what to do. You're not the boss.
Three-year-old girl: You're not the boss, too!
Father: Then who's the boss?
Three-year-old girl: Obama's the boss!

--101st St & Riverside Dr

Overheard by: jobrody


Posted 2010-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Besides, Prices Are Always Inflated in the Park.

Hobo #1: I offered that squirrel five cents for sex.
Hobo #2: What's a squirrel going to do with a nickel?

--Central Park

Overheard by: Fogel


Posted 2010-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tonight's Movie: Charlie and the Chocolate Martini

Girl on cell: Dude, drunk chocolate is the best!
Random man passing by: Yes, it is.

--Union Square


Posted 2010-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If Ever We Needed a Festival Of Light Cuisine

Smoking NYU bro #1: Oh my god, dude! (pointing) Is that a new restaurant called Happy Hanukkah?
Smoking NYU bro #2: No, dude! That's a window with holiday decorations.
Smoking NYU bro #1, looking really sad: Oh.

--13th & 3rd

Overheard by: Charlotte


Posted 2010-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just for Starters, Build Her a Birdhouse

Thug on street: Hey, girl! You lookin' fine. I'm gonna do... things to you. Yup, lots of... things.
Thug friend: Like, what you gonna do to her?
Thug: Things, man. I said things.

--125th St & Morningside Ave


Posted 2010-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Like, Where's the Ten Hookers-a-leaping I Asked for Last Year?

Guy dressed as Santa: Hey, man, got a cigarette?
Random guy: Fuck no, I got a beef with you, Santa!

--Bar, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Keavy (loves Santa)


Posted 2010-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Only If I Go Armed

Girl #1: My boyfriend is so romantic, he's taking me to a private wine-tasting!
Girl #2: Doesn't that violate your probation?

--5th & 7th, Brooklyn


Posted 2010-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Isn't That the Heroin Holiday?

Guy to friend: you should come by tomorrow, I'm having a house party, there's going to be weed and meth.
Friend: You shouldn't do meth, it's messed up.
Guy: Yeah, but it's Thanksgiving.

--Bar None, The Village

Overheard by: Seth


Posted 2010-01-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Could Be an Entire Episode Of Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Man selling candy #1 to very pretty but overweight girl: Hey miss, you wanna buy a candy bar?
Pretty but overweight girl: Do I look like I need any more candy?!
Man selling candy #2: You look good to me!

--Outside JC Penny


Posted 2010-01-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No More Hanging Out with Hobos, Sweetie.

Law student to little girl with pink balloon dog: I really like your balloon! It's so pretty!
Girl's dad: What do you say?
Little girl: Woof woof!

--79th & 2nd


Posted 2010-01-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Can't Even Rent You

Haggard 40-something guy to girl passing by: Mmm-hmmm! That's the way I like 'em. Tiny and nice and tight. Look at that body, damn. Mmm-hmm. Hey, girl! Hey, gorgeous, how old are you?
Annoyed girl: I'm 14.
Haggard #40-something guy: Damn! That'll get me 25 years... Damn!

--3rd St, Havemeyer

Overheard by: One of 8 who witnessed this


Posted 2010-01-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tonight's Movie: He's Just Not That Into Hue

Thug #1: Dude, I heard that bitch had a baby by her son, her father, and her grandfather!
Thug #2: Son, I told you not to wear burgundy!
Thug #1: What? What the hell does that have to do with it?
Thug #2: Looking like shit has everything to do with everything.
Thug #1: Well, you're wearing red...
Thug #2: That's totally different, dumbass.

--Downtown 1 Train


Posted 2010-01-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Mastered That Test

Very enthusiastic female undergrad: And there were a bunch of questions on the test about sadomasochism, and I was like, "yes! I know everything!"

--Hunter College

Overheard by: And I'm Paying How Much in Tuition?


Posted 2010-01-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Just Uncomfortable Face to Face With a Stranger

Hipster girl #1: So basically he put his penis in your vagina, but you're too nervous to go on a date with him?
Hipster girl #2: Yep.
Hipster girl #1: Girl, you're fucked in the head.

--1st Ave & 11th St


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But I Think It Involves Enema Kits and Dionne Warwick

Manager: Gary, you serious, you need to go to the bathroom?
Cashier: I need to take, like, a number 4 right now.
Manager: Ew!
Cashier: I don't even know what that means.

--Duane Reade


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Though New Yorkers Have Greater Spheres Of Influence.

Program manager: So what's the difference between living in New York and living in San Francisco?
Swedish developer: More ball grabbing in San Francisco.

--Lafayette & Grand

Overheard by: Ritik


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Sound Exactly Like Your Mother.

Dad: If you don't behave you're going to get a spanking. Are you going to behave?
Little girl: (no response)
Dad: If you don't behave, you're going to get a spanking. Are you going to behave?
Little girl: (no response)
Dad: Well, if you decide to act like this again, then we aren't taking you to Hawaii.
Little girl: That's fine... I don't want to go to Hawaii. I hate traveling with you.

--JFK Airport

Overheard by: Jbak


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Funding Healthcare Reform May Be Easier Than We Think

Bag lady to man eating veggie burger: Yo! You eat that shit, it gonna go through yo body an' come out yo asshole!
Man eating: Thank you, miss. I'll be careful.
Bag lady: Got a quarter?

--89th St & Amsterdam


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Should See Me Squeeze the Melons

Enraged hipster: Clearly, I am not a child!
Hipster friends: (silence)
Enraged hipster: I do my own grocery shopping!

--10th St & University Place

Overheard by: PotatoPuff


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, Could Somebody Please Slap Her?

First grade teacher, leaving park after field trip: Okay everybody. (counts kids) Oh my god! Where's Kate?
First grade girl with glasses: She's having a breakdown.

--Near Trinity Day School Campus


Posted 2010-01-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Multiple-Choice Section Of This Wednesday One-Liner Begins Now

Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.

--4 Train

Overheard by: heather

Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.

--Staten Island Ferry Station

Overheard by: mindy

Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.

--Psych Class, Hunter College

Overheard by: I completely agree

Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.

--Butler Library, Columbia University


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Slow and Steady Wins the Wednesday One-Liner

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held up by dispatch because we have a sloooooooow moving "a" train. Thank you for your patience. And don't forget, blame the "a" train; it ain't our fault.

--D Train

Overheard by: Alice

Conductor: We currently are waiting behind another 7 train... Slow movin' bastards.

--7 Train

Overheard by: They really were

Conductor: You do not want to take the 4 or the 5, because they will not be setting any land speed records.

--6 Train

Jaded MTA conductor: We're being delayed because of signal problems up ahead. There's a train in like every station. Because of the cold weather we've got signal issues; we're moving as fast as we can, it just might take a while. MTA: "might take a while."

--W Train


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Got Game

Old queer on cell: Okay, well I'll be watching the Mets game, or the Jets game, whatever you call it... What do they call it when you men all sit together and can't talk?

--Broadway & 103rd St

Iranian tourist to street performer: We don't have a vote but we have a basketball team!

--Washington Square

Overheard by: RAR!

Subway conductor: This is the uptown "d" express train, making all express stops in Manhattan and The Bronx, including 161st Street, so the Yankees can host the Minnesota Twins. We'd like to welcome all Detroit Tigers fans riding with us--shame you couldn't bring your team.

--Uptown D Train

Female sports fan: A-Rod's back baby! Kate Hudson has a magic pussy!

--Pub, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: Pub crawler

Teenage girl to group of attentive friends: If leprechauns could play basketball, they would.

--High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday Caniners

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

--Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!

--Williamsburg

Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

--10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.

--Brooklyn


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

--176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

--2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

--Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

--Broadway & 13th St


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Kill You With Your Own Collarbone

Drunk to Asian guy: Tell me, why is it that when Asians get in street fights, they never use their martial arts?

--1 Train

Overheard by: Fonvielle

Waiter: Please let me know if you have any food allergies. We ninjas don't like to kill by accident; we only kill on purpose.

--Ninja Japanese Restaurant

Little boy to grandfather: Hey grandpa, are you a black belt or any kind of ninja?

--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jess

Health care worker: I'ma kill that ninja!

--Brooklyn Health Center


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At This Point in Time, I Have No Recollection Of Those Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I only remember things when I insult them!

--Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

College dude: I remember this place... We were here last night right before I blacked out!

--St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Amanda

Girl on cell: Okay, if you're stopping by my house, remember to bring that shirt you borrowed from me. Mmm-hmm. By the way, your husband wants to get it on with another dude.

--Union Square

Woman on cell: Alright, honey, have a fun bachelor party. Just promise me you'll get shit-faced, fall-on-your-ass drunk so you can't remember any of those strippers. Okay?

--Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wait. What?


Posted 2010-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"Hail Mary," Indeed.

Woman #1, in front of painting of the Virgin Mary: This is the oddest depiction of Mary I've ever seen. And the most sexiest.
Woman #2: She's so... Boobilicious.

--The Met


Posted 2010-01-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Kept Trying to Stir My Coffee with It

Girl #1: So, how was it?
Girl #2: Pretty disappointing, really. Another guy with a great dick and no idea what to do with it.

--Varick & Franklin

Overheard by: Tell me about it


Posted 2010-01-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.

Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.

--Uptown 6 Train


Posted 2010-01-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What a Terrible Way to Talk to Your Parents

Suit on cell, leaving voicemail: Hi, June*, it's Tom*. I'm calling because I heard that you've been sleeping with Bill*. I just wanted to warn you to be careful, Bill* doesn't tell people that he has genital herpes. Definitely call me back if you're worried, okay?
(suit hangs up, phone rings moments later)
Suit on cell, answering
: Bill*, dude! I heard you've been banging June*!



--Lobby, Midtown


Overheard by: Thankfully not sleeping with Jane


Posted 2010-01-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dude, You Kill Me

Guy #1: Are you sure you want to do this?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1, very seriously: Okay. But it will have to be quick, painful and emotionless.

--35th St

Overheard by: Killingyourhamster?


Posted 2010-01-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Boyfriend Makes That Mistake in Bed All the Time.

NYU girl #1, failing to light her "cigarette": What the fuck!?
NYU girl #2: Honey, that's your flash drive.

--Outside of Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee


Posted 2010-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Active Listening Can Be Very Persuasive

Suit #1: So if he was so great, why did you break up with him?
Suit #2: He was apparently trying to build a consensus among my friends that he gives great head.

--Evolve Bar, E 58th St


Posted 2010-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff

Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk's girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I'll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny... I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies!

--Q Train


Posted 2010-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Preferably in Hebrew

13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember that you told me my Bar Mitzvah was terrible?
13-year-old boy #2: When did I say that? I did not say nothing.
13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember? You were talking to Eileen and you said I made a lot of mistakes. Don't blame me.
13-year-old boy #2: Don't blame you? You're blaming me! This is why we can't get together. Now we can't eat dinner together. We need conflict resolution.

--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington


Posted 2010-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Apparently It Drives the White Folks Crazy

Black thug #1, holding Indiana Jones dvd: Damn, son, look how young and fly and hip that nigga Harrison Ford was. That shit made his career, son!
Black thug #2: I dunno, man. I don't like a white dude with a whip.

--Best Buy

Overheard by: rob


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...With Two Sugars.

Girl, at 9 am: Do you have decaf coffee?
Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't.
Girl: Okay, I'll take a regular.
Waitress: Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve coffee at all here.
Girl: Okay, I'll take a bud light.

--LGA Airport


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Even by New York Standards.

ASPCA volunteer: Hey, you have a moment for animals?
Busy man: Yeah... at lunch.
Onlooker: Ice cold!

--Union Square


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Pantless

Guy: Did you just tell your mom to jam out with her clam out?
Girl: My mom is fuckin awesome, she does keg stands and shit.

--Metro North Rail

Overheard by: John


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She Also Pointed Out That If I Take a Header, I Can Sue the MTA

Large black woman: Don't you want to sit down? You don't have a good balance.
Old Jewish man with walker: Not true! Last night, at around two am, a fairy came to me and said I had good balance!
Large black woman, shrugging: Alriiight!

--N Train

Overheard by: zach


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Christians Really Shouldn't Complain About Muslims

Young guy, yelling: I don't give a fuck what you think, I'll play my music as loud as I want!
Old lady, yelling: Well, you do whatever you want, you just keep it away from me! I'm with the Lord. I've got the love of Christ in my heart, you fucking faggot!

--Brooklyn


Posted 2010-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Which Is Loaded With Subject Matter

Ticket seller to woman, about toddler: Well, he can come, but there is, you know... Subject matter.
Woman, sighing: The boy watches SpongeBob.

--Fela! Box Office

Overheard by: Patrick


Posted 2010-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

January Is Foursome Month

Gay guy #1: Would you be mad if I told you I had a threesome in December?
Gay guy #2: No. But if you told me you had a threesome in January I would be.

--9th Ave & 17th St

Overheard by: Chelsea Girl


Posted 2010-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Thank God for Computers

Pilot to copilot: So do you fly these often?
Copilot: No.

--LaGuardia Airport


Posted 2010-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Okay, Okay, the Principal's Desk.

Cute little girl: Dad, guess what I made in school today!
Dad: What's that?
Cute little girl, opening arms wide: A giant poop!
Dad: Okay, honey...
Cute little girl: In the toilet!

--F Train

Overheard by: Laura


Posted 2010-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Grandma Still Does

Son, pointing at magazine: I like those pants.
Father: But those look tight.
Son: That's what's in style right now.
Father, after a pause: Did I ever tell you when I used to take you to Tompkins Square Park as a baby, everyone thought you were a girl ?

--A Train


Posted 2010-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Along with Everyone Else in America.

Seven-year-old to another, after comment: That's what she said!
Mom, yelling: Who is this girl? And why do you both always know what she said!?

--86th St & Madison

Overheard by: Luther Cherry


Posted 2010-01-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Being a Woman Means Constantly Dodging Boobytraps

Woman #1: And then bam, right in my eye.
Woman #2: Well at least you didn't get pregnant.
Woman #1: I'm already pregnant.

--Union Square


Posted 2010-01-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At Least Call It "Dickoupage"

Girl #1: And that's how I made his dick look like a Christmas tree.
Girl #2, excitedly clapping: Decoupage!

--Midtown


Posted 2010-01-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Oral

Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?

--3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: JC

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

--C Train

Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.

--125th St

Overheard by: Reilly

Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.

--5th & 83rd

Overheard by: Kelly

Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)

--The Village


Posted 2010-01-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Wednesday One-Liners

Puerto Rican Mets fan in day parade, singing: "Aye girl, lemme smell yo feet, aye girl lemme smell yo feet, oooh oooh oooh, lemme smell yo feet."

--Union Square

Egg-shaped man with cane, singing to the tune of "What a Wonderful World": I see little boys, and little girls, they have good parents, but they get screwed up anyway... And I think to myself, I love the babies...

--L Train

Large woman, to the tune of "We Are All One Body": "We ain't with no retards! We man's chil'ren of the world!" (female friend sits across from her) I wish I could fuck every girl in the world!

--Metro-North Rail

Thug, dressed top to toe in Ed Hardy gear, singing in Eva Gabor accent: "Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue!"

--51st St & Park Ave

Boy in hallway, singing: "Don't want to close my eyes, don't wanna fall... (laughter from inside closed apartment) Heh-heh... Shutthefuckup!

--NYU Dorm


Posted 2010-01-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Didn't Know I Was Wednesday One-Linered

Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: CS

Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts... Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"

--BX12 Bus

Overheard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you're pregnant? You're pregnant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he didn't come in you, just on your face.

--Union Square

Woman to date: Let's go get pregnant!

--Santos Party House, Lafayette St

Overheard by: alisa


Posted 2010-01-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dear Miss Manners...

Drunk girl #1: Excuse me! Can I bum a cigarette?
(annoyed woman hands her one while grumbling in Spanish)
Drunk girl #2
: She said "puta"! She totally just called you a bitch!

Drunk girl #1: Well, I have the free cigarette, so who's the bitch now?

--42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Sam


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Don't Invade Another Country If You're Unprepared to Meet Resistance

Younger girl to cougar on dance floor: Excuse me, but you need to be younger to sing this song.
Cougar: Well, you need to be prettier to wear a dress like that.

--Bar


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ben's Not Queer; He's Just from Delaware

Girl: No way! How do you know?
Guy: Because my roommate heard them having sex! Apparently, he screams like a girl.

--Union Square

Overheard by: MASHI


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

All the Disadvantages and None Of the Advantages

Large black woman to friend: So like, he's totally gonna bring Randi's hot sister to the x-mas party! Score for Matt!
Black dude passing by: Ewww, you sound like a white girl.

--125th St, Harlem

Overheard by: Miss Ivy


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

God's Great; Church Is Bullshit

Small boy, after lengthy service: That was so long. Why did we have to wait so long?
Father: Well, it's all part of worshiping god.
Small boy: I hate god.

--St. Luke's Church, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ahem, It's "Chicken Lady"

Girl #1: I hate people who keep talking because they love the sound of their own voice! Like, unless you're gonna tell me about shoving a chicken up your vagina, I don't wanna hear it!
Girl #2: That's the second time we've talked about chicken girl and I still don't know her name.

--Crown Heights

Overheard by: chris k.


Posted 2010-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She Redecorated Her Mother's Uterus

Man to salesman, looking at $650 doll house: I want the house fully furnished. Can I pick out the furniture?
Salesman: How old is the child, sir?
Man: She is three.
Salesman: She may not appreciate all of this furniture at her age.
Man: Oh, yes she will! She is very detail-oriented.

--FAO Schwarz

Overheard by: laura pieper


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tonight's Movie: The Elephantiasis Man

Little boy, throwing tantrum in the street: Dad, my feet hurt. I can't walk anymore!
Dad: Yeah, well, my testicles hurt. Come on!

--Times Square

Overheard by: Colleen


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Early in Life, Girls Start Drafting a Long List Of Requirements

Four-year-old blond girl: Can we get whipped cream?
Dad: No, we don't need whipped cream.
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is whipped cream!
Dad: No, honey, All You Need Is Love.
Four-year-old blond girl: No! All you need is whipped cream! And kitties!
Dad: (laughs)
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is kitties! All you need is kitties!

--Trader Joe's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kristin Ostby


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We Heart NY

Counter guy: Hey, hey, hey! You can't eat that in here!
Woman eating McDonald's directly from bag, raising middle finger: Sit on it. Spin. Call it daddy.

--Wendy's, 33rd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Men's Texting Only Fills the Empty Hours Between Blowjobs

Guy: This girl just sent me a text that ended in a winky face. How should I respond?
Girl: Well, do you like her?
Guy: No, but I do want a blowjob.

--14th St

Overheard by: Good luck


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Editors Are Feeling a Little Bit Drunk Just Reading About It.

Drunk girl: That whole drink was just Maker's Mark and a cinnamon stick, there was one shot with half Tuaca, and half cider. That's it.
Friend: Shhh! Everyone else is staring.
Drunk girl: Pshhhh! Everyone just got drunk just from hearing what was in my drink.

--Q Train


Posted 2010-01-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

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