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"Man Of Steel, Heels Of Helium"?
Conductor, over intercom: Conductor in the fifth car -are you top or bottom?
[well-built conductor walks through car to intercom to respond]
Gay commuter, upon seeing him: Oooh, I hope he's a bottom.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: MrStench
And, Most Importantly, Do You Have Alcohol?
Guy #1: I have a moral dilemma.
Guy #2: Does it involve alcohol?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: Does it require alcohol?
--F Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Obscenity: The Universal Language
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: [sign language].
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: Motherfucker!
--A Train
Who's Doomed to Wander Dark Subway Tunnels for All Eternity
Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square... Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square...
Random thug: Shut the fuck up!
Conductor: ... Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I'm in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]
Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
Complimenting My Genitals Does Nothing to Contradict My Argument
Junior high kid: Nice bike, fag!
Guy on moped: Nice prepubescent penis, kid!
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Matthew
The Detrimental Effects of Early Childhood Exposure to Candyland
Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She's five.
--Line, Grace's Market Place
Why I Stuck Out My Cane in the First Place
[A lady running up subway stairs slips and falls]
Guy walking behind her: Are you okay?
Lady, rudely: Ugh... Mind your own business.
Guy: I'm glad you fell.
--Willoughby St & Myrtle Promenade
Overheard by: azzie
Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don't care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: I can't fucking take this shit.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Morel Farember
Pays to Catch 'em Feeling Vulnerable
Hobo holding open door: Hello, beautiful lady.
Woman, dropping a five in cup: You're one smart son of a bitch.
--86th & Lexington
Next Time Impede the Investigation in Finnish
[Patrol car flashing lights at curb. Small group of high-schoolers corralled against wall]
Police officer: So what happened --what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo inglés.
Officer, in perfect Spanish: Entonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo español!
--85th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
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