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Just As Long As It's Chicks Who Are Willing to Sleep with Me
20-something hipster boy #1: So, you ever think that the US will stop being the most powerful nation in the world?
20-something hipster boy #2: Well, if not us, then who?
20-something hipster boy #3: They say China will take over eventually.
20-something hipster boy #2: China? What the hell are they gonna do, drop people on us?
--E Train
Overheard by: chinese girl who sat next to them
She's Hoping He'll Become Her Ventriloquist Dummy
Boy on cell on platform: So yeah, I'll be there soon...I'm at the... um... The um... The... what do you call it? I'm waiting for the umm, and I'm at the... (sighs) What do you call it?
Girl next to him, whispering loudly: Traaaaiiinnn statiiionnnnn!
Girl next to her, yelling: Platform, train station, waiting for a train!
(Boy walks away still on phone)
--Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Gabriela
...We're a Bank, Sir.
Furious hobo: I just got run over in your parking lot and I can't even get a beer!?
Woman: Sir, we don't even serve beer.
--Northern Blvd, Queens
Like That Awesome Hobo Who Urinated on Us Earlier!
Tourist: I read about this place in that New York book I got from the library.
Guy in line: Did it also tell you that when it's a full moon everything is half off?
Tourist to friend: Dude! We should just both get the large, then.
Friend: I love this town and its little quirks like this.
--Gray's Papaya
Bait Like This Calls for a Bigger Fish
Comedy club guy: Are you ready to be dazzled by comedy?
Cute girl: Do I look like a fucking tourist to you?
Comedy club guy: Well, are you ready for a boyfriend then?
Cute girl: Maybe if you looked better.
--42nd St & Broadway
The iTouch App We've All Been Waiting for
Blonde #1: I just got my boobs done!
Blonde #2: Oh, wow! They're so cute!
Blonde #1: They don't look too big or rock hard, do they? They hurt so much, I feel like a damn porn star!
Blonde #2: No, they look awesome!
Blonde #1: Wanna feel them?
Blonde #2: (squeezes friend's boobs)
--Apple Store, 14th St
Overheard by: Susie
Raise Your Hand If You Love Drunk Talk
Guy #1: So I spent most of the night at her place, but we only made out.
Guy #2: Dude, she wanted to fuck you!
Guy #1: I know, I don't know what I was doing.
Guy #2: Well, dude, you did fuck her!
Guy #1: What'ya mean?
Guy #2: She wanted to fuck you, but you didn't fuck her, right?
Guy #1: Right.
Guy #2: She got fucked!
--Lolita Bar
Gin and Sour Defeat
Guy in car to cop: Can you help me out with directions?
Cop: Yeah, sure. Where are you going?
Guy in car: Staten Island.
Cop: Yeah, you smell like you're going to Staten Island.
--Shea Stadium Parking Lot
Overheard by: BigVinnyVito
Wouldn't That Involve Strobe Lights and a Disco Beat?
Blue-haired old lady, after flaming gay guy sets off theft alarm: What was that?
Store clerk: Gaydar.
--Barnes & Noble, 17th St
Overheard by: steve
Or a Muzzle.
Daughter: Daddy, I want a cookie!
Father: I'll say yes if you ask for an apple instead. (pause) Or a Brussels sprout.
Daughter: Ahhhhh!
--115th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Special K
...So I'd Rather Not Have My Rug Peeking Out.
Guy to friend trying on shirt: Open another button, man.
Friend trying on shirt: Nah, man, I'm not a Persian...
--Store, SoHo
Overheard by: a Persian
New York Has Many Visitors from Intersecting Alternate Realities
Girl #1: I don't get it, but like... Are there two suns?
Girl #2: Pardon?
Girl #1: I dunno. But the sun here is so much hotter than where I'm from.
Girl #2: Oh my god. Shhh!
--5th Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: Sunny
Where Did the Money Go? Discuss.
Blonde: Look, that guy in the gray sweater is the only one working here.
Brunette: I know! It's terrible.
Blonde: I wish the government would come by and look at this, and see all these people waiting. We should call them.
Brunette: Do you think they care?
Blonde: No.
--Social Security Office, 2nd Ave
Isn't That What Divorce Court Is?
Blazed girl #1: So what I'm saying is: 50% of American marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death.
Blazed girl #2: There's no other way for them to end?
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1% of American marriages end in sending your husband to the moon.
Blazed girl #2: No seriously, there must be some other way.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, yes: 2% of American marriages end in feeding your husband to a whale. He's still alive, but he's inside a whale, so you're not married.
Blazed girl #2: But what about if you go to a foreign country and you're still married to your husband but you, like, marry all the other guys you want?
Blazed girl #4: Well, you're still married. Also, there's no country where that's legal. So, no.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1.5% of American marriages end in putting your husband in a glass box, like in a cage. And watching him do tricks.
--86 Bus
Overheard by: I like Blazed Girl #3
I'll Take "Great 21st Century Lies" for $200, Alex
Girl: I'm not going to pretend that things are fine when they are not. You don't have feelings for me.
Guy: Don't say I don't have feelings. I have feelings for you, they are just in a different category.
--59th St & Lexington
Try Me Next Week When My Manic Cycle Kicks in
Greenpeace guy: Hey, sign this petition!
Girl in black: No, thanks.
Greenpeace guy: It's to save the Earth!
Girl in black: Fuck the Earth.
Greenpeace guy: But what about the children?
Girl in black: Fuck the children.
--7th Ave & 25th
Overheard by: NSC
New Yorkers Are Notorious for Bungee Compliments
Woman: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!
Man: I take it back.
--26th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Ouch, That Irony Smarts.
Guido #1, in thick Staten Island accent: Yo, yo bro, I found this thing on Word, it makes you sound smarter.
Guido #2 in same accent: No way, bro! What is it?
Guido #1: I don't know, it's this thing, you click it and it gives you all these words that make you sound smarter.
Guido #2: What's it called?
Guido #1: Sin... Sinono... Sino-somethin, but I swear to god, bro; it makes you sound smarter.
--St John's University, Staten Island
Overheard by: Not from Staten Island
Readers, Who Would Win in This Fight? Weigh In!
Female suit to thug trying to push through to the front: You know, there's really nowhere for you to fit in here.
Thug: Don't mess with me, I'm from The Bronx.
Female suit: Don't mess with me. I'm from Jersey.
--1 Train
The Pot Calling the Kettle "Wednesday One-Liner"
Guy blocking overcrowded subway car to elderly woman trying to squeeze by: Hey! You could say "excuse me!"
--Uptown N Train
Woman, eating falafel: I'm trying to stay away from fried foods.
--40th St
Five foot, 250-pound woman to friend: Wow! That girl in front of us is fat!
--42nd & 8th
Man on cell: Maybe you're the one with the fucking anger problem! Dick!
--Outside The Met
Overheard by: Yellow!
Wednesday One-Liners Are What She Said
Conductor: Please stop holding my doors open in the back! (pause, no change) Stop pushing open my doors in the back! (pause, no change) Hey, I don't want no more people squeezing through my openings in the back, okay?
--Q Train
Overexcited tourist dad to little girls: Alright, Jade*, blow the bubbles towards Leah*. Yes, towards her, like facing each other, so I can take a picture... When I tell you, okay? Perfect. Okay, now blow each other.
--Liberty Park
Suit: Well, it's not very large by adult standards, but it's big for what it is.
--Queens
Male office worker: My drawers are getting tight already.
--Broadway
Old woman: Would you like to give a donation to help feed our pussies?
--PETCO, Union Square
Overheard by: Lex
Wednesday One-Liners Are My Anti-Drug
Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall... or taking it with water.
--24th St & 3rd Ave
Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.
--Bleecker & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jack
Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!
--N Train
Architecture professor: Everything in moderation... except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Denali
George W. Bush: "Is Our Children Wednesday One-Linering?"
Ghetto mother, about daughter: She hard on herself when it comes to her grades. That comes from her father. I told him, "you better stop that, or else you're gonna bust her brain."
--Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: Raven
Truant girl on cell: I didn't! (pause) No, I didn't! (pause) I didn't skip! (pause) I didn't go! It's not the same thing! (pause) No, it isn't! (pause) I didn't go anyplace! I didn't go to somebody's house or nothing! (pause) It's not the same! I didn't skip! I just didn't go! (pause) No, it's not the same! It is not!
--8th Ave & 50th St
Overheard by: stephie
Proctor, seeing a student come into testing room: Hey, aren't you that kid who was smokin' yesterday? Oh, yeah, that's right, you're the one that flipped me the bird! Now I have yo' name and yo' ID numba, and I can call up yo' parents... Today is just my lucky day!
--Stuyvesant High School
Long Island guy: I can't wait to get back to college. The girls there are so hot. I can't wait to get my DNA on em, know what I'm sayin'?
--LIRR
Indian chick on cell: What's good? I'm not taking Hindi anymore, that's what's good! Hellll fuckin yeahhh! Whoooo!!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: me neither
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It in the Family
Guy on cell: Well, right now my brother and my girlfriend share a bedroom.
--Washington Square North
Overheard by: Daniel
Young nanny to six-year-old girl, crossing the street: What do you care about more, your brother or your scooter?
--76th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Sonny
Daughter to obnoxious mom: Just because you are a member of my family doesn't mean I won't backhand you.
--NYU Coles Sports Center
Overheard by: Maria
Man to woman, while crossing street: Look, all I'm saying is there are a lot of men who like your sister even more then they like you--and that's saying a lot!
--6th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Wemily
Wednesday One-Liners Feel Like a Woman or Whatever
Asian girl: A tranny spat and peed on me last night... so I guess I'm okay.
--Screaming MiMi's Boutique
Overheard by: Nancy
Gay guy, after woman bumps into him: Did you just step on my vagina?
--A Train
College boy: So then I woke up and realized I was next to a tranny...
--Manhattan College
"Girl" sitting at the door: My panties are too small to hold my dick in.
--Williamsburg
Catholic school girl, carrying large backpack, to friend: I'm looking forward to leaving this bathroom a guy. A very effeminate guy, but still a guy.
--Bathroom, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Innocent Bathroom-goer
It's Almost Like Male Cheerleaders Don't Like Girls or Something!
Ghetto girl #1: Like, at least he's honest about it.
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, I know. Like I hate it when guys be fronting and saying they can get it up when they can't.
--City as School, Girls' Bathroom
Great-- Now Can You Say That through Jazz?
Stringy black jazz singer #1, watching BBW woman squeezed into barbie-pink tiny jeans: Damn!!!
Stringy black jazz singer #2: Oh mah gawddd!
Stringy black jazz singer #1: Daaaaaammmnnnn!!!
Stringy black jazz singer #2: Ooooooohh maaaahhh gaaaawwwwwddddd!
--Washington Square Arch
Keep Walking 'til You Reach the Water. Then Keep Walking.
Dumb tourist: Excuse me, am I heading toward the Empire State Building?
New Yorker: No, you're in Brooklyn!
Dumb tourist: So... Does that mean I'm really far off?
--Park Slope
And Then Say It in Spanish So We Can Learn the Language
Spanish babysitter: These people are working me to death. They have me doing all their errands.
French babysitter: I know.
Spanish babysitter: I hate my job!
Four-year-old boy: No, you can't say that. You should always say "I don't like my job."
--72nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: z
Eyeliner Tattooing? Definitely.
Girl: She got it for her grandfather.
Guy: He ain't gonna like that.
Girl: You don't know him.
Guy: All I'm sayin' is unless she wins the lotto, she's never gonna be anything but middle class.
Girl: She ain't even middle class!
Guy: I mean she won't get any better than that. Companies just don't hire people with face tattoos. But maybe it's different for girls.
--168th St
Overheard by: Acacia Graddy-Gamel
Also, You Just Directed Me Towards the Saran Wrap
Dude: There's a new kind of condom out that makes you feel like you're not wearing it.
Pharmacist: I don't know, sorry.
Dude: But you're a pharmacist.
Pharmacist: The product is over there. (points at all condoms)
Dude: Okay, thanks for knowing nothing.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Dave G
Republicans: *Sob*
Father: You don't tell me what to do. You're not the boss.
Three-year-old girl: You're not the boss, too!
Father: Then who's the boss?
Three-year-old girl: Obama's the boss!
--101st St & Riverside Dr
Overheard by: jobrody
Besides, Prices Are Always Inflated in the Park.
Hobo #1: I offered that squirrel five cents for sex.
Hobo #2: What's a squirrel going to do with a nickel?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Fogel
Tonight's Movie: Charlie and the Chocolate Martini
Girl on cell: Dude, drunk chocolate is the best!
Random man passing by: Yes, it is.
--Union Square
If Ever We Needed a Festival Of Light Cuisine
Smoking NYU bro #1: Oh my god, dude! (pointing) Is that a new restaurant called Happy Hanukkah?
Smoking NYU bro #2: No, dude! That's a window with holiday decorations.
Smoking NYU bro #1, looking really sad: Oh.
--13th & 3rd
Overheard by: Charlotte
Just for Starters, Build Her a Birdhouse
Thug on street: Hey, girl! You lookin' fine. I'm gonna do... things to you. Yup, lots of... things.
Thug friend: Like, what you gonna do to her?
Thug: Things, man. I said things.
--125th St & Morningside Ave
Like, Where's the Ten Hookers-a-leaping I Asked for Last Year?
Guy dressed as Santa: Hey, man, got a cigarette?
Random guy: Fuck no, I got a beef with you, Santa!
--Bar, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Keavy (loves Santa)
Only If I Go Armed
Girl #1: My boyfriend is so romantic, he's taking me to a private wine-tasting!
Girl #2: Doesn't that violate your probation?
--5th & 7th, Brooklyn
Isn't That the Heroin Holiday?
Guy to friend: you should come by tomorrow, I'm having a house party, there's going to be weed and meth.
Friend: You shouldn't do meth, it's messed up.
Guy: Yeah, but it's Thanksgiving.
--Bar None, The Village
Overheard by: Seth
This Could Be an Entire Episode Of Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Man selling candy #1 to very pretty but overweight girl: Hey miss, you wanna buy a candy bar?
Pretty but overweight girl: Do I look like I need any more candy?!
Man selling candy #2: You look good to me!
--Outside JC Penny
No More Hanging Out with Hobos, Sweetie.
Law student to little girl with pink balloon dog: I really like your balloon! It's so pretty!
Girl's dad: What do you say?
Little girl: Woof woof!
--79th & 2nd
I Can't Even Rent You
Haggard 40-something guy to girl passing by: Mmm-hmmm! That's the way I like 'em. Tiny and nice and tight. Look at that body, damn. Mmm-hmm. Hey, girl! Hey, gorgeous, how old are you?
Annoyed girl: I'm 14.
Haggard #40-something guy: Damn! That'll get me 25 years... Damn!
--3rd St, Havemeyer
Overheard by: One of 8 who witnessed this
Tonight's Movie: He's Just Not That Into Hue
Thug #1: Dude, I heard that bitch had a baby by her son, her father, and her grandfather!
Thug #2: Son, I told you not to wear burgundy!
Thug #1: What? What the hell does that have to do with it?
Thug #2: Looking like shit has everything to do with everything.
Thug #1: Well, you're wearing red...
Thug #2: That's totally different, dumbass.
--Downtown 1 Train
I Mastered That Test
Very enthusiastic female undergrad: And there were a bunch of questions on the test about sadomasochism, and I was like, "yes! I know everything!"
--Hunter College
Overheard by: And I'm Paying How Much in Tuition?
I'm Just Uncomfortable Face to Face With a Stranger
Hipster girl #1: So basically he put his penis in your vagina, but you're too nervous to go on a date with him?
Hipster girl #2: Yep.
Hipster girl #1: Girl, you're fucked in the head.
--1st Ave & 11th St
But I Think It Involves Enema Kits and Dionne Warwick
Manager: Gary, you serious, you need to go to the bathroom?
Cashier: I need to take, like, a number 4 right now.
Manager: Ew!
Cashier: I don't even know what that means.
--Duane Reade
...Though New Yorkers Have Greater Spheres Of Influence.
Program manager: So what's the difference between living in New York and living in San Francisco?
Swedish developer: More ball grabbing in San Francisco.
--Lafayette & Grand
Overheard by: Ritik
You Sound Exactly Like Your Mother.
Dad: If you don't behave you're going to get a spanking. Are you going to behave?
Little girl: (no response)
Dad: If you don't behave, you're going to get a spanking. Are you going to behave?
Little girl: (no response)
Dad: Well, if you decide to act like this again, then we aren't taking you to Hawaii.
Little girl: That's fine... I don't want to go to Hawaii. I hate traveling with you.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Jbak
Funding Healthcare Reform May Be Easier Than We Think
Bag lady to man eating veggie burger: Yo! You eat that shit, it gonna go through yo body an' come out yo asshole!
Man eating: Thank you, miss. I'll be careful.
Bag lady: Got a quarter?
--89th St & Amsterdam
You Should See Me Squeeze the Melons
Enraged hipster: Clearly, I am not a child!
Hipster friends: (silence)
Enraged hipster: I do my own grocery shopping!
--10th St & University Place
Overheard by: PotatoPuff
Well, Could Somebody Please Slap Her?
First grade teacher, leaving park after field trip: Okay everybody. (counts kids) Oh my god! Where's Kate?
First grade girl with glasses: She's having a breakdown.
--Near Trinity Day School Campus
The Multiple-Choice Section Of This Wednesday One-Liner Begins Now
Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.
--4 Train
Overheard by: heather
Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.
--Staten Island Ferry Station
Overheard by: mindy
Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.
--Psych Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: I completely agree
Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Slow and Steady Wins the Wednesday One-Liner
Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held up by dispatch because we have a sloooooooow moving "a" train. Thank you for your patience. And don't forget, blame the "a" train; it ain't our fault.
--D Train
Overheard by: Alice
Conductor: We currently are waiting behind another 7 train... Slow movin' bastards.
--7 Train
Overheard by: They really were
Conductor: You do not want to take the 4 or the 5, because they will not be setting any land speed records.
--6 Train
Jaded MTA conductor: We're being delayed because of signal problems up ahead. There's a train in like every station. Because of the cold weather we've got signal issues; we're moving as fast as we can, it just might take a while. MTA: "might take a while."
--W Train
Wednesday One-Liners Got Game
Old queer on cell: Okay, well I'll be watching the Mets game, or the Jets game, whatever you call it... What do they call it when you men all sit together and can't talk?
--Broadway & 103rd St
Iranian tourist to street performer: We don't have a vote but we have a basketball team!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: RAR!
Subway conductor: This is the uptown "d" express train, making all express stops in Manhattan and The Bronx, including 161st Street, so the Yankees can host the Minnesota Twins. We'd like to welcome all Detroit Tigers fans riding with us--shame you couldn't bring your team.
--Uptown D Train
Female sports fan: A-Rod's back baby! Kate Hudson has a magic pussy!
--Pub, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: Pub crawler
Teenage girl to group of attentive friends: If leprechauns could play basketball, they would.
--High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Wednesday Caniners
Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.
--Central Park
Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!
--Williamsburg
Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!
--10th St & Broadway
Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.
--Brooklyn
Janet Reno Day One-Liners
Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!
--176th & Broadway
Overheard by: emily d.
Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
--2nd Ave & 10th St
Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!
--Midtown Bar
Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?
--Broadway & 13th St
Wednesday One-Liners Kill You With Your Own Collarbone
Drunk to Asian guy: Tell me, why is it that when Asians get in street fights, they never use their martial arts?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Fonvielle
Waiter: Please let me know if you have any food allergies. We ninjas don't like to kill by accident; we only kill on purpose.
--Ninja Japanese Restaurant
Little boy to grandfather: Hey grandpa, are you a black belt or any kind of ninja?
--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jess
Health care worker: I'ma kill that ninja!
--Brooklyn Health Center
At This Point in Time, I Have No Recollection Of Those Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: I only remember things when I insult them!
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
College dude: I remember this place... We were here last night right before I blacked out!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Amanda
Girl on cell: Okay, if you're stopping by my house, remember to bring that shirt you borrowed from me. Mmm-hmm. By the way, your husband wants to get it on with another dude.
--Union Square
Woman on cell: Alright, honey, have a fun bachelor party. Just promise me you'll get shit-faced, fall-on-your-ass drunk so you can't remember any of those strippers. Okay?
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Wait. What?
"Hail Mary," Indeed.
Woman #1, in front of painting of the Virgin Mary: This is the oddest depiction of Mary I've ever seen. And the most sexiest.
Woman #2: She's so... Boobilicious.
--The Met
Kept Trying to Stir My Coffee with It
Girl #1: So, how was it?
Girl #2: Pretty disappointing, really. Another guy with a great dick and no idea what to do with it.
--Varick & Franklin
Overheard by: Tell me about it
And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.
Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.
--Uptown 6 Train
What a Terrible Way to Talk to Your Parents
Suit on cell, leaving voicemail: Hi, June*, it's Tom*. I'm calling because I heard that you've been sleeping with Bill*. I just wanted to warn you to be careful, Bill* doesn't tell people that he has genital herpes. Definitely call me back if you're worried, okay?
(suit hangs up, phone rings moments later)
Suit on cell, answering: Bill*, dude! I heard you've been banging June*!
--Lobby, Midtown
Overheard by: Thankfully not sleeping with Jane
Dude, You Kill Me
Guy #1: Are you sure you want to do this?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1, very seriously: Okay. But it will have to be quick, painful and emotionless.
--35th St
Overheard by: Killingyourhamster?
My Boyfriend Makes That Mistake in Bed All the Time.
NYU girl #1, failing to light her "cigarette": What the fuck!?
NYU girl #2: Honey, that's your flash drive.
--Outside of Tisch School of the Arts
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Active Listening Can Be Very Persuasive
Suit #1: So if he was so great, why did you break up with him?
Suit #2: He was apparently trying to build a consensus among my friends that he gives great head.
--Evolve Bar, E 58th St
A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff
Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk's girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I'll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny... I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies!
--Q Train
Preferably in Hebrew
13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember that you told me my Bar Mitzvah was terrible?
13-year-old boy #2: When did I say that? I did not say nothing.
13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember? You were talking to Eileen and you said I made a lot of mistakes. Don't blame me.
13-year-old boy #2: Don't blame you? You're blaming me! This is why we can't get together. Now we can't eat dinner together. We need conflict resolution.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington
Apparently It Drives the White Folks Crazy
Black thug #1, holding Indiana Jones dvd: Damn, son, look how young and fly and hip that nigga Harrison Ford was. That shit made his career, son!
Black thug #2: I dunno, man. I don't like a white dude with a whip.
--Best Buy
Overheard by: rob
...With Two Sugars.
Girl, at 9 am: Do you have decaf coffee?
Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't.
Girl: Okay, I'll take a regular.
Waitress: Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve coffee at all here.
Girl: Okay, I'll take a bud light.
--LGA Airport
...Even by New York Standards.
ASPCA volunteer: Hey, you have a moment for animals?
Busy man: Yeah... at lunch.
Onlooker: Ice cold!
--Union Square
Pantless
Guy: Did you just tell your mom to jam out with her clam out?
Girl: My mom is fuckin awesome, she does keg stands and shit.
--Metro North Rail
Overheard by: John
She Also Pointed Out That If I Take a Header, I Can Sue the MTA
Large black woman: Don't you want to sit down? You don't have a good balance.
Old Jewish man with walker: Not true! Last night, at around two am, a fairy came to me and said I had good balance!
Large black woman, shrugging: Alriiight!
--N Train
Overheard by: zach
Christians Really Shouldn't Complain About Muslims
Young guy, yelling: I don't give a fuck what you think, I'll play my music as loud as I want!
Old lady, yelling: Well, you do whatever you want, you just keep it away from me! I'm with the Lord. I've got the love of Christ in my heart, you fucking faggot!
--Brooklyn
Which Is Loaded With Subject Matter
Ticket seller to woman, about toddler: Well, he can come, but there is, you know... Subject matter.
Woman, sighing: The boy watches SpongeBob.
--Fela! Box Office
Overheard by: Patrick
January Is Foursome Month
Gay guy #1: Would you be mad if I told you I had a threesome in December?
Gay guy #2: No. But if you told me you had a threesome in January I would be.
--9th Ave & 17th St
Overheard by: Chelsea Girl
Thank God for Computers
Pilot to copilot: So do you fly these often?
Copilot: No.
--LaGuardia Airport
...Okay, Okay, the Principal's Desk.
Cute little girl: Dad, guess what I made in school today!
Dad: What's that?
Cute little girl, opening arms wide: A giant poop!
Dad: Okay, honey...
Cute little girl: In the toilet!
--F Train
Overheard by: Laura
Grandma Still Does
Son, pointing at magazine: I like those pants.
Father: But those look tight.
Son: That's what's in style right now.
Father, after a pause: Did I ever tell you when I used to take you to Tompkins Square Park as a baby, everyone thought you were a girl ?
--A Train
...Along with Everyone Else in America.
Seven-year-old to another, after comment: That's what she said!
Mom, yelling: Who is this girl? And why do you both always know what she said!?
--86th St & Madison
Overheard by: Luther Cherry
Being a Woman Means Constantly Dodging Boobytraps
Woman #1: And then bam, right in my eye.
Woman #2: Well at least you didn't get pregnant.
Woman #1: I'm already pregnant.
--Union Square
At Least Call It "Dickoupage"
Girl #1: And that's how I made his dick look like a Christmas tree.
Girl #2, excitedly clapping: Decoupage!
--Midtown
Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Oral
Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?
--3rd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: JC
Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?
--C Train
Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.
--125th St
Overheard by: Reilly
Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.
--5th & 83rd
Overheard by: Kelly
Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)
--The Village
The Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Wednesday One-Liners
Puerto Rican Mets fan in day parade, singing: "Aye girl, lemme smell yo feet, aye girl lemme smell yo feet, oooh oooh oooh, lemme smell yo feet."
--Union Square
Egg-shaped man with cane, singing to the tune of "What a Wonderful World": I see little boys, and little girls, they have good parents, but they get screwed up anyway... And I think to myself, I love the babies...
--L Train
Large woman, to the tune of "We Are All One Body": "We ain't with no retards! We man's chil'ren of the world!" (female friend sits across from her) I wish I could fuck every girl in the world!
--Metro-North Rail
Thug, dressed top to toe in Ed Hardy gear, singing in Eva Gabor accent: "Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue!"
--51st St & Park Ave
Boy in hallway, singing: "Don't want to close my eyes, don't wanna fall... (laughter from inside closed apartment) Heh-heh... Shutthefuckup!
--NYU Dorm
I Didn't Know I Was Wednesday One-Linered
Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: CS
Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts... Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"
--BX12 Bus
Overheard by: shayshay
NYU boy on cell: Wait, you're pregnant? You're pregnant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he didn't come in you, just on your face.
--Union Square
Woman to date: Let's go get pregnant!
--Santos Party House, Lafayette St
Overheard by: alisa
Dear Miss Manners...
Drunk girl #1: Excuse me! Can I bum a cigarette?
(annoyed woman hands her one while grumbling in Spanish)
Drunk girl #2: She said "puta"! She totally just called you a bitch!
Drunk girl #1: Well, I have the free cigarette, so who's the bitch now?
--42nd St & Lexington
Overheard by: Sam
Don't Invade Another Country If You're Unprepared to Meet Resistance
Younger girl to cougar on dance floor: Excuse me, but you need to be younger to sing this song.
Cougar: Well, you need to be prettier to wear a dress like that.
--Bar
Ben's Not Queer; He's Just from Delaware
Girl: No way! How do you know?
Guy: Because my roommate heard them having sex! Apparently, he screams like a girl.
--Union Square
Overheard by: MASHI
All the Disadvantages and None Of the Advantages
Large black woman to friend: So like, he's totally gonna bring Randi's hot sister to the x-mas party! Score for Matt!
Black dude passing by: Ewww, you sound like a white girl.
--125th St, Harlem
Overheard by: Miss Ivy
God's Great; Church Is Bullshit
Small boy, after lengthy service: That was so long. Why did we have to wait so long?
Father: Well, it's all part of worshiping god.
Small boy: I hate god.
--St. Luke's Church, The Village
Overheard by: Sunny
Ahem, It's "Chicken Lady"
Girl #1: I hate people who keep talking because they love the sound of their own voice! Like, unless you're gonna tell me about shoving a chicken up your vagina, I don't wanna hear it!
Girl #2: That's the second time we've talked about chicken girl and I still don't know her name.
--Crown Heights
Overheard by: chris k.
She Redecorated Her Mother's Uterus
Man to salesman, looking at $650 doll house: I want the house fully furnished. Can I pick out the furniture?
Salesman: How old is the child, sir?
Man: She is three.
Salesman: She may not appreciate all of this furniture at her age.
Man: Oh, yes she will! She is very detail-oriented.
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: laura pieper
Tonight's Movie: The Elephantiasis Man
Little boy, throwing tantrum in the street: Dad, my feet hurt. I can't walk anymore!
Dad: Yeah, well, my testicles hurt. Come on!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Colleen
Early in Life, Girls Start Drafting a Long List Of Requirements
Four-year-old blond girl: Can we get whipped cream?
Dad: No, we don't need whipped cream.
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is whipped cream!
Dad: No, honey, All You Need Is Love.
Four-year-old blond girl: No! All you need is whipped cream! And kitties!
Dad: (laughs)
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is kitties! All you need is kitties!
--Trader Joe's, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kristin Ostby
We Heart NY
Counter guy: Hey, hey, hey! You can't eat that in here!
Woman eating McDonald's directly from bag, raising middle finger: Sit on it. Spin. Call it daddy.
--Wendy's, 33rd & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Men's Texting Only Fills the Empty Hours Between Blowjobs
Guy: This girl just sent me a text that ended in a winky face. How should I respond?
Girl: Well, do you like her?
Guy: No, but I do want a blowjob.
--14th St
Overheard by: Good luck
Your Editors Are Feeling a Little Bit Drunk Just Reading About It.
Drunk girl: That whole drink was just Maker's Mark and a cinnamon stick, there was one shot with half Tuaca, and half cider. That's it.
Friend: Shhh! Everyone else is staring.
Drunk girl: Pshhhh! Everyone just got drunk just from hearing what was in my drink.
--Q Train
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