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We Heart This Lady
Foreign lubavitcher offering hanukkah menorahs and candles: Jew? Jew? Jew?
Middle-aged lady in a hurry: No thanks, I've already got one.
--82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wouldn't You Like to Know?
Asian tourist: Sir, is it true that New Yorkers have the nasty habit of answering a question with another question?
Queens old timer: Who told you that?
--Times Square
Overheard by: August C. Fernando
He Had a Lot Of Queens in Him.
Middle school kid #1, doing homework: Yo, where was Socrates from?
Middle school kid #2: Astoria.
--6 Train
Wouldn't Mind Creating Some Covalent Bonds with Her!
Student #1: Dude, our chemistry TA is so hot.
Student #2: Agreed. I have to hide my boner with my lab notebook.
Student #1: I knocked over a test tube with mine.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: James Hancock
Ooo, or Club Sandwiches!
Comedy club advertiser: Do you like comedy clubs?! Come...
Teen girl with friend, interrupting: No, we like strip clubs.
--Times Square
That's Cold, Dude.
Wife: Honey, let's get dippin' dots!
Husband: No, I don't want dippin' dots, they've been the "ice cream of the future" for ten years!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Stefanie
Clueless White People, Represent!
Young woman #1: Wow, that's a great tan! Were you on vacation?
Young woman #2: Um... I'm black.
Young woman #1: You totally are! So, was it like, Jamaica or something?
Young woman #2: (...)
--Midtown
Overheard by: Fashionista
At This Point, Things Started to Get Grizzly.
Woman trying to order off-menu Greek takeout: Yes, can I have a hor... I... Tiki... Salad...
Big Greek man taking order, quickly: Horiatiki salata, yes. Next?
Woman: Um, can I add grilled chicken to it?
Greek man, looking surprised: Chicken? Do you know what horiatiki is?
Woman: No.
Greek man: It's bayer.
Woman: Bayer?
Greek man: Yes, bayer. Bayer.
Woman: I don't under...
Woman's husband, chiming in: "Bare". It comes bare babe. With nothing on it.
Greek man: No. No. Bayer. Huge huge...
Woman: Bear? Like the animal?
Greek man: Yes. Yes. Bear.
Woman: Oh, okay. No thanks.
--30th Ave & 34th St
Overheard by: melissa
Skynet Sends the Terminator Back to Wednesday to Kill One-Liners
Skinny guy on Mac laptop to friend: Oh fuck, it's the spinning rainbow beach ball of death.
--Starbucks, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: yeah, it's not my favorite either
Guy coming out of elevator: Her son drowned, and she posted it on twitter.
--Midtown
Unattractive woman on cell: Whereas eHarmony is designed to match for long-term relationships, Craigslist only matches for as long as it takes to get off.
--B62 Bus
High school girl to another: What do you do when you get home, if you don't have a Facebook?
--96th St & Lexington
Cross Only at Wednesday One-Liners
Asian hipster to friend: A blind woman with a cane comes up to me at the crosswalk and asks if its okay to cross. I tell her yeah, the light just changed. Next crosswalk she catches up to me asks same question and I tell her no, the light is still red. She goes anyway. New York... Even the blind jaywalk!
--E 14th St & 2nd Ave
Young man to friend at crosswalk during a red light: Yo, jaywalk that shit!
--34th St & 7th Ave
30-something man strategizing how to cross slush-puddle: Long jump! I did this in high school!
--3rd Ave & 10th St
Stooped old man in the crosswalk: Shouldn't be too bad... Shouldn't be too bad...(takes a step) Shouldn't be too bad...
--58th & 10th
A Straight Guy's Worst Nightmare Is Wednesday One-Liners
Man to woman: Remember, when we first met our menstrual cycles were almost the same.
--Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Burly man into cell: I know I'm a princess. You don't have to tell me that... It's nice of you to say so, anyway.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: LesbianUnicorn
20-something guy to friend: Hey, how old were you when you learned that girls don't have penises?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Derek
Gothy teen: Have you ever noticed that the most attractive Japanese women turn out to be men?
--Uptown A Train
Guy with lots of makeup on: Seriously, if you want to date me, put some eyeliner on.
--Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Drop the Soap.
Rugged man on cell: I haven't had time to get my freaking eyebrows done since I got out of jail, it's a good thing my girlfriend likes bushy eyebrows.
--Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Mama Masala
Tough-looking dude to another: Yo, the last thing you wanna do is get locked up in Miami during spring break!
--34th & Madison Ave
Guy: What's the name of that asshole who married that scumbag that went to jail?
--New York Public Library
Little girl screaming after her mom: I'm not going to jail, mommy, you goin' to jail!
--Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn
Some Wednesday One-Liners for You to Chew On.
Girl to boyfriend: Well, I don't know what kind of cult they're in, but they make the best waffles.
--Union Station
Overheard by: Chunky Jesus
Guy on phone, loudly: Yes! Make the soup! Make the soup! If you don't, I simply don't know how I'm going to spend the weekend! (long pause) Wait, what? Don't you use words that are longer than five letters when talking to me, young one!
--Q Train
20-something: He once tried to deep-fry an orange.
--Bar, Midtown
Overheard by: Adam
50-something yelling on cell: Yeah... I figured out we were at the movies, I was just wondering who brought the asparagus.
--Fairway Market, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Antny
Woman looking in her sandwich: This is absurd!
--JFK
Aaaaand That's a Wrap.
Guy in van: If you don't move that scooter, I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Scooter guy: My scooter!?
Guy in van: No, that goddamn sandwich!
Scooter guy: But this is a burrito...
--Kenmare & Mott
Overheard by: FJ Murray
It's Cute How Quickly Tourists Start to Assimilate
Vagabond New Yorker walking through stagnant crowd: Excuse me, tourists!
Prissy tourist, after delay: Excuse me, asshole!
--Spring St
The Blue-Collar Gay Romcom We've All Been Waiting For
Construction worker #1: No fuckin' way! Are you fuckin' with me?
Construction worker #2: I'm totally fuckin' with you.
Construction worker #1: Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck!
Construction worker #2: Wanna get breakfast?
--3rd Ave & 8th St
Are the Eighties Starting to Spoil in the Heat?
Guy: I never understood what that song "Stand" by REM was about.
Girl: Ugh! Who cares!? Their songs make me feel like mayonnaise!
Guy: What?
--L Train
Overheard by: packrat
Ooo, Total and Udder Domination?
Student #1: So dude, totally we should all become vegetarians. That will totally solve the world hunger problem.
Student #2: But then the cows will take over the world!
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Honors Don't Mean You're Smart
This Technique Works Well Into a Guy's Forties
Very young boy to passerby: I love you! I love you!
Passing woman: Thank you, honey!
Very young boy: I wasn't talking to you.
--Astor Place
Ann Coulter: Democrats!
Friend #1, to bartender: We'd like some shots.
Bartender: I can do that. What kind?
Friend #2: Do you do blowjobs or cumshots?
Friend #1: What about abortion shots?
Bartender: Jesus Christ, who are you people?
--Kabin bar
Try a Bigger Pool, Sweetie
Drunk lesbian #1, screaming near crowd of post Pride Parade revelers: Marco!
Drunk lesbian #2: Polo!
Drunk lesbian #1, taking hands off eyes: Dammit! I already know you! I'm trying to meet new people!
--West 12th St. & West 4th St.
He Has a Vested Interest!
Customer: This vest is so poetic, it just has so much depth and feeling. (customer exits).
Store clerk #1: Depth and feeling? You're 22 years old and you're wearing an ascot. (pause) You're an idiot.
Store clerk #2: Right?!
--Greenwhich & 11th St
New York City Is a Rich Cultural Tapestry.
Drunk black girl #1: Ew!Those plaid pants are fuckin ugly.
Drunk black girl #2: (laughs)
Queer non-athlete: Excuse me!
Drunk black girl #1: Yes?
Queer: My pants are not ugly and they are not plaid! Get it right, it's madras!
Drunk black girl #1: Right... and madras is a form of plaid!
Drunk black girl #2: Haha! Dumbass.
Queer: Yeah, well you bitches are just racist!
Drunk black girl #2: What the hell does race have to do with this? You're pants are ugly. Face facts.
Queer: Cause if I was black you wouldn't have said anything!
Drunk black girls, simultaneously: If you were black you wouldn't be wearing those ugly ass pants!
(queer stomps down train car, finds a seat and sulks. Drunk white girl approaches black girls)
Drunk white girl: Hey, guys.
Drunk black girl #1: Sup?
Drunk white girl: I feel bad, that was my friend, you know.
Drunk black girl #2: Oh. Well, you should be a good friend and tell him not to come out dressed like that.
--Crowded L Trian
Overheard by: Drunk and Laughing Friend who totally agrees
No Need to Get Frothy.
Teen, looking at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look--I could turn into Rick Santorum!
Mother: Yeah, but then I'd have to disown you.
--Century 21
Overheard by: Benny
...Whom We Share
Drunk male: You know your husband is totally gay, right?
Drunk female: I mean, yeah! He has a boyfriend.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Striker
Didn't the Count Sing That on Sesame Street?
Guy #1: Yo, brains is sexy.
Guy #2: Word up. All my bitches need GEDs.
--A Train
Overheard by: Anne Paas
That Just Means You're Drugging Them Too Much
Suit #1: I really enjoy a little something in the morning before I leave for work.
Suit #2: Yeah, but for some reason the the hot chicks don't wake up early.
--6th Ave & 40th St
Overheard by: kevin
Um, Yeah, That's the Very Definition Of "Ballin'"
Stranger #1: Ooh, your daughter is so cute!
Proud mother: Thank you, she just got her very first cup of hot chocolate.
Stranger #1: Oh my gosh, that's a big deal! Do you like it honey?
Little girl: Mmm-hmm! (sips hot chocolate)
Stranger #2, at a different table: So you know you're ballin' when your first cup of hot chocolate is in the East Village at a hipster cafe where even the napkins are organic.
--East Village Cafe
...Upside Down.
Hipster girl on cell loudly: Courtney! I have to pee so bad! I'm going to wet my pants!
Hipster dude, walking by: You're wearing a dress, sweetie.
--Bedford & N. 6th St.
Reminds Me Of Parliament
English tourist #1: Oh, shall we go into the creepy dead animal store?
English tourist #2, very seriously: Definitely.
--Outside Evolution Store, Spring St., Soho
Overheard by: Just Derek
Um, We Live in the Same House.
Five-year-old boy: And then we learned that on Christmas Jesus died-ed, I think. Jesus likes trees and sparkly lights.
Little sister, with mouth open in shock: You have the same Christmas I do!
--Q Train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny
You Mean That Big Thing I'm About to Push You Into?
Distraught backpacker: How can you live in this city? My god, how can you live here?
Old woman: What?
Distraught backpacker: Where are the trees?! Where is the ocean?
--10th Ave
What a Coincidence-- I Was in the Homegirl Scouts!
Clean-cut black guy: If she messes with me I'm going to put her in a ditch.
Big-boned mixed chick: No, you're not! You're too nice for that.
Clean-cut black guy: Don't you know? I was in the thug scouts as a kid!
Big-boned mixed chick, snickering: Oh, yeah?
Clean-cut black guy, thinking wistfully: Absolutely! Our motto was "yay, yay, bitch"! My first merit badge was for being gangsta! I believe it said "I will cut you, fool" on it...
--Cambria Heights, Queens
Fucking Economy
Comedy ticket seller to girl in suit: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, louder: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist!?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: Damn it, another hot chick that doesn't speak English.
Girl in suit: Actually, I do, but I've been in heels for over ten hours and don't understand why dating a communist has anything to do with your attempt at comedy. (walks away)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: You might be right.
--Times Square
Walt Whitman Certainly Would Have Approved
Man #1, watching squirrel carrying a bone: What happened, Mr. Squirrel? Where's that nut you used to eat?
Man #2: He don't like nuts no more.
(they laugh)
Man #1: He done graduated to fried chicken. Ain't no vegetarian no more.
(they laugh)
Man #1: He spent a couple nights in the projects. Walked in with a nut, walked out with a bone.
(more laughs)
--N. Portland & Myrtle Ave., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gregory Smith
"Nude Descending a Wednesday One-Liner"
Man to date, seriously, looking at service door next to Jackson Pollock's painting: It looks like a door or something.
--MoMA, 4th Floor
Overheard by: Eric Arévalo
Man to girlfriend: We have a lot of differences! When I say "Rubens" you think of the painter, and I think of a sandwich!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Greer Feick
Man to security guard: Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the Mona Lisa?
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Asian tween gal, in breathless monologue to boy pal: So you know I want to be an anime artist. But maybe I'll have to study cartooning. Which isn't anime, but anyway. Maybe I'll have to go to art school. Because you know what they say about anime, it comes from, you know, art...
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Woman to boyfriend, in reference to Willem de Kooning's "Woman, I": It's like neon PMS.
--MoMA, 4th Floor
Overheard by: Eric Arevalo
Wednesday One-Liners Say "Fuck Seatbelts!"
Bus driver: You and your family have a blessed weekend. And remember, you are going to drink, drink a lot.
--Downtown Alliance Shuttle Bus
Overheard by: dara
Bus driver: Step to the back of the bus, please! We have coffee and jelly donuts in the back. We also have gin and tonic, only for the intelligent people who move to the back of the bus!
--M96 Crosstown Bus
Overheard by: BananaBerger
Shuttle bus driver, opening doors: Come, my people!
--Ocean Ave & Newkirk
Overheard by: Jon A.
Bus driver to friend, at intersection, in the pouring rain and bad driving conditions: This is where I got into a huge fender bender, right here in this intersection!
--S53 Bus
Overheard by: ALerns
MTA bus driver: Okay, it looks like we're going the wrong way. We'll have to get back on the BQE. This is the scenic route.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: woow
The Pot Calling the Kettle "Wednesday One-Liner"
Guy on cell: And this guy wasn't saying anything, I mean he had nothing to say, nothing... He didn't say anything, he just kept talking, but he wasn't saying anything... It was all just, talk-talk-talk but nothing, I couldn't take it, talking and talking and talking and talking and nothing, nothing, nothing at all to say about anything, endless mindless talking and not saying a word. I mean, how could anyone do just talk about nothing...
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Ziggy
Teen boyfriend to teen girlfriend: Quit fucking swearing at me. It's disrespectful!
--19th St & 8th Ave
Woman: Watch what you're fucking doing. I have a little kid with me. You push me, motherfucker, and I'll punch you in the face.
--Very Crowded 4 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Indignant chick to friend: Bitch, you is stupid!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Mother to young daughters: If someone hits you, you hit them as hard as you can in their face. (the two young girls start hitting each other) Don't hit!
--DUMBO
Wednesday One-Liners Are As American As Apple Pie
Chick walking briskly with male companion: I'd rather have a male, you know? They're like, "oh, it's a delicate flower!" whereas a female is like, "oh, I have that, too" and they just stick their arm in there and go to town...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Gay guy to friends: The vagina is not pretty.
--50th St
Overheard by: erkala
Hipster to friend: Her pussy hair was blonde... I've never seen that before.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Lindsey
Thug on cell: It's six days into the new year, and I haven't got no pussy yet!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nathan Quattrinni
Man to woman: Engineers don't chase pussy!
--Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Pretend They Know Better
Hipster guy: Dude, no one goes there, it's a ghost town--like Chernobyl or MySpace.
--Whole Foods
Hipster: In Thailand, the Pad Thai just didn't live up to my expectations.
--Wall Street Burger Shoppe
20-something white hipster girl: Well, she used to be some sort of hedge fund chick, but now she's a trapeze artist.
--41st St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: alexander
Hipster in the YA section: I only eat organic food, so I can't shop at Whole Foods. Yeah, they seem like really nice people, but they shop at Whole Foods, and that's against my philosophy. Did you see the movie Zeitgeist? It's all true.
--The Strand
Drunk hipster: I hope my Wells Fargo goes through tonight, I'm gonna buy so much Bubba Gump.
--Steinway & 34th Ave, Queens
Hipster standing on long board with three Dachshunds on separate leashes, as they begin to pull him down the street: It's working... It's working!
--23rd & 3rd
Overheard by: ec
Wednesday Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-Liiiiiners!
Crazy man in top hat and scarf, singing: It's gonna be the best, best, best, best, best day ever!
--8th Ave
Overheard by: Lauren
Delivery guy pushing trolley, singing to self: Push it, push it real good.
--4th St & Lafayette
Guy trying to pass out his demo CD, singing: Swinger / song-biter!
--Soho
Homeless singer, curtailing lyrics to his mostly Hispanic audience: You might wake up in the morning... And find a chupacabra sittin' on yo' heh eh ead! (now speaking) Anybody got a dollar?
--A Train
Well-dressed black guy, singing up and down train crowded with hipsters: Ain't no such thing as stress when your parents are paying your rent! It's hard work looking so cool, but it don't matter 'cause daddy done paid for school. Ain't no such thing as stress! Don't worry about your rent! Drinking PBR, working on your art, talking 'bout resent. If don't matter if daddy's paying the rent!
--L Train
Wednesday Fa La La La Liners
Santa to another, on packed train: Man, we gotta get those reindeer fixed so we can stop taking the subway.
--L Train
Overheard by: Emily
Female suit on cell: What, really? You can't do that... not even on Christmas.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Simone
Dad to whining kid: You know what? I called god, and Christmas is canceled this year!
--77th & Amsterdam
Dad to kids: Get it together or I'll cancel Christmas! I'm a Jew, I can do that!
--Brooklyn
Old man singing to himself: Here comes Santa Claus; here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane. We're gonna have some fun this year; he's bringing us cocaine!
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Katie
Sold!
Girl promoter to girl walking with friends: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Girl with friends: I like sit-down comedy.
Girl promoter: We have chairs.
--Broadway & 47th
...So We'll Both Be Improving Our Career Prospects.
Guy #1: I'm going to a resume workshop.
Guy #2: I'll be fucking a girl while you're working on your resume.
--2nd Ave & 5th St
Well You've Been Sticking Me with the Bill Since the Day We Met!
Woman: That was great, just great. Do you need to go to the bathroom?
Man: Will you keep your voice down? It's embarrassing.
Woman: What's embarrassing? Look at all those people leaving to go to the bathroom. There's even a young guy. See? Over there with the girly jeans? What's embarrassing?
Man: Why can't you just read your Playbill quietly like a normal person?
Woman: What's a Playbill? I don't have a Playbill. You're not making any sense.
Man: It's that thing you've been hitting me with every time you have a question this evening.
--Theater Intermission, Broadway Show
Wurst. Brat. Ever.
Elementary school kid #1: What did you say to her when she called me a big wiener?
Elementary school kid #2: I didn't say anything.
Elementary school kid #1: You should have said that I am not a big wiener!
--Washington Square Park
Is This Funny or Just Depressing? Discuss.
Customer buying beer: So I can return these bottles for the five cent deposit?
Cashier: Yeah, but you can only bring 25 at a time. So you can only do a dollar at a time.
Customer: Why is there a limit?
Cashier: Because all of New York is homeless. People would be in here everyday if there wasn't.
--Associated Supermarket, 96th & Lexington
Overheard by: not homeless in NY
In Fairness, the Mall Of America Has Confused Everyone
Girlfriend: Where is Nike city?
Boyfriend: You mean Niketown? It's just a big store.
Girlfriend: Like Scarsdale?
Boyfriend: No, Bloomingdales.
--Canal St
Quintessentially Manhattan.
Woman getting off the Chinatown bus: Excuse me sir, is this Manhattan?
Chinatown bus driver: No, go away. (closes the door)
Woman knocking on door of bus: Wait? What? This isn't Manhattan?
Driver: No, fuck you!
(drives away mumbling stuff in Chinese)
--ChinaTown Bus
Instead, May We Suggest Soylent Green?
Hipster boy #1: So, yeah, I'm thinking like, somewhere where I can make a difference, you know? Somewhere where, I'm like, doing something.
Hipster boy #2: Yeah, like, so you change someone's life. Actually do something, instead of just pushing a fucking pencil.
Hipster boy #1: Exactly. I want what I do to have meaning.
Hipster boy #2: So have you filled out any applications?
Hipster boy #1, horrified: Applications? What, you think I want to get a job?
--Avenue of the Americas & W 4th St
Overheard by: This Is Why I Stay In the Bronx
You Don't Give Yourself Enough Credit, Amy
Male student: You can make it rain with $100.
Female student: You can make hail with 100 quarters.
--Monroe College
Overheard by: Emm
That's Your Answer to Everything.
Woman #1, pushing through crowd: Out of my way!
Woman #2: What's her problem?
Woman #3, as woman #1 passes: She must have to take a shit.
--Rockefeller Center
You're Not the Boss Of Me, Random Stranger
Woman, yelling through window at 1 am: Get a room! Get a room!
Man, yelling from street: Hey, fuck you! I'll get a room later!
--East Village
Everybody's Racist, but White People Do More Damage With It
Black girl #1: Yo, so I'm liking Joe*, but I don't even know what to do with him.
Black girl #2: You said he's all cute 'n shit, so what's up? Did he stop by your place?
Black girl #1: Naw, see that's the problem. He's a white dude and my mom would shit.
Black girl #2: For real?
Black girl #1: Yo, I'll go out with him and suck his dick and all that, but when it comes to my mom...
Black girl #2: Seriously. You gotta be careful.
Black girl #1: Yeah...
Black girl #2: You start hanging out with white people too much and you start gettin' weird.
Black girl #1: Yeah...
Black girl #2: Like Michael Jackson and shit.
Black girl #1: Yeah...
--Bedford & Carol
Overheard by: tchassis
And Would You Bring a Hot Friend?
Girl #1: Hey babe, do you wanna meet up tonight?
Guy #1: Nah, I'm busy. (walks off).
Guy #1 to girl 2: Hey, do you wanna meet up tonight?
Girl #2: Yeah, that'll be great!
--Central Park
...Everyone Knows That's My Song.
Guy walking past, singing in an operatic voice: And I am singing my song!
Street vendor nearby: Shawn, come the fuck on.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
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