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Our New Motto
Perceptive woman: Anytime you overhear people, if you only hear a second of what they say, it's always completely stupid.
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
You bring it back to yourself
Hipster on cell: You asked me how I'm doing, and I tell you--and then you bring it back to yourself. You always do that.
--Verb, Williamsburg
Now Shut the Fuck Up, You Unwanted Accident
Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
--Upper East Side
Clearly Unemployed
Yuppie: I don't think he's working now. All he ever talks about is monkeys and robots.
--Mayrose
I'm Enjoying the Sodomy, Though
Gay #1: How is being gay going for you?
Gay #2: I don't really jibe with the culture.
Gay #1: Like what?
Gay #2: The music.
--7A Cafe, East Village
Take, Eat, This is My Body
Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.
--New York Public Library, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Renee Rogers
The Nuisance of Facts
20-something Intellectual: Facts are such a distraction from the essence of what's really happening.
--Private Party, Brooklyn
Go Back to Israel!
Jewess: That's the third time you mentioned Jews. What's wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh...Baptist.
--Times Square
Overheard by: J. Peter Jones
Nothing Makes Me Come Like Some Zyklon
Gay teen: I told her that while she's over there she has to find me a German boyfriend.
Girl: Why?
Gay teen: So he can dress up like a Nazi and we can play concentration camp fetish games.
Girl: Oh, right.
--Odessa, Ave. A
We Don't Serve That Here
Customer: A hot coffee, please.
Cashier: Huh?
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
Sadly, This Isn't Fiction Either
Woman: Do you have a non-fiction section?
Book guy: Well, everything that's not fiction is non-fiction. [Over] there's cooking, and there's history.
Woman: No, that's not what I asked. Do you have a section for non-fiction?
Book guy: Well, there are no non-fiction novels. Everything here that's not a novel is non-fiction.
Woman: But you don't have a non-fiction section?
Book guy: No. Everything that isn't fiction is non-fiction.
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Kids These Days, I Tell Ya...
Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: "Bam" doesn't blow up, "bam" makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can't defeat that!
--6 Train
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Union Square
Get This Man a TV Show!
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle
Revealed: The Nexus of All Horrifying Conversation
Homey #1: Yo, hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian McCaffrey
Thug: Damn! You can't go nowhere now without seeing faggots. I saw two brothers holding hands on the train the other day. It's like they were coming out of the closet on the train!
Thugette: There ain't no closet on the train.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Readers: Answer This Eternal Question
Chick: So you think that by you comin' at me all gangsta you gonna get my pussy?
--6 train
Overheard by: brian
The Drug Legalization Debate; NYC Edition
Hobo: Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not hungry or sick, I just need some money so I can get high, but it's just weed, I don't do heroin or cocaine or any of that shit.
Guy: You know, it's because of guys like you that people think pot should be illegal! Look at you! When I get high, I pay my own way! I earn my own money and get high! There are little kids on this train! What do you think they're going to learn? Man, think a little!
--4 train
Overheard by: Alice S.
Looks Like Someone Gets Around
Man on cell: I would fucking marry the girl, if it wasn't for every time I went down on her she tasted like hummus.
--3rd Ave. & 11th St.
Pre-Class Registration Starts Once A Month
Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in biotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
--1 train
Overheard by: Manhattman
Notes from the New York Underground
The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other.
Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?
He sprays the windex.
Hobo: Or Spring?
He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.
Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.
--F train
Overheard by: Pete Johnson
That's Right, 25 Became the New 30 Last Week
Guy: We are such yuppies.
Girl: What's a yuppie?
Guy: It stands for Young Urban Professional.
Girl: Oh, I thought it just meant anyone who lives in New York who's under the age of 25.
--Angelika, Houston Street
Overheard in New York: The Movie
Girl: I am glad you don't think she's prettier than me.
Guy: What? She is like, trailer trash.
Girl: No, she's really pretty.
Guy: What are you talking about? She is some lady they found in the parking lot by the garbage. They were like, "Hey lady, we will give you $20 to do this."
Girl: ...she is like, the American standard of beauty.
Guy: She is a dumpster-diving prostitute!
--Access Digital Theatres, Prospect Park
Overheard by: matt stohrer
Guy: Can I just say, maybe Zorro shouldn't be the first American movie you see.
--83rd & Broadway
Little boy: Why didn't Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy's head off?
--Loews Kips Bay Theatre, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Girl #1: Shh! I can't hear what he's saying!
Girl #2: Bitch, you read the book already!
--DGA Theater, West 57th Street
Black chick #1: Girl, he so fine.
Black chick #2: Mmm...
Queer: Yes, we all know he's fine, but shut the fuck up!
--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Scott Hoffman
Girl: So for the last half-hour of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I couldn't stop crying. Then everybody in the theater turned around and laughed at me.
--Waverly & Mercer
Overheard by: Stu
Guy #1: You still fixing vans for that production house?
Guy #2: Yeah, I even got in a movie. Check me out in Prime; it's with Uma Thurman. I'm in it for like 20 seconds playing basketball on the street with a red do-rag. I was like 30 pounds heavier then; I just got out of jail.
--DMV, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: Anthony Bloodsucker
Black woman: All these assholes going to the movies...Lowest common denominator!
--Loews Lincoln Square ladies' room, West 68th Street
Overheard by: Amanda K
Girl: I heard there's an Asian girl in the new Harry Potter.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: So they are branching out.
Guy: Yeah...but she is kinda big.
--Beard Papa's, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: sim choo
Girl: I am dating two different guys with kids and no one will take me to see Harry Potter. Now that's fucked up.
--Eatery, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Mike
Suit: I think you would really like As Good As It Gets.
Woman: Is that the one with Jennifer Aniston?
Suit: No, it's Helen Keller.
--75th & 3rd
Overheard by: Aaron Hotfelder
The Wednesday One-liners Class Struggle
Hipster girl: She was all, "Yeah, Betsy is my best friend," and I was like, "Best friend? That is so fucking bourgeois."
--L train
Girl: I know you made it. Look at you. You got a BlackBerry. Yeah, you made it. You got that good-smelling leather.
--Elevator, 12th & 5th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Professor lady: Yes, we'll be going into debt a lot as the semester goes on.
--Parsons School of Design
Overheard by: Ray
Teen boy: Anyone on this train wanna buy some candy? It's not for a basketball team or something, it's for me so I can buy more candy.
--2 train
Overheard by: Sarah
Intercom: Please take a headset before you get on the plane, because they're free now. They're actually free once you get on the plane, but I charge $50 labor for bringing them to you once you're on. So it's in your best interests to take one now. Can you tell I'm a happy person?
--LaGuardia
Chick: I'm not even gonna try applying for a Gap card; they'll never give it to me. I don't know what it is about Gap; they always know if you have bad credit.
--The Gap, 34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dianora
Tween boy: What do you mean, I can't get anything? I'm the one with a job.
--Key Food, Park Slope
Overheard by: Shack
Isn't That Nice?
Tourist lady: Everyone has been so nice in New York; not what I expected.
Woman: We are nice, just self-absorbed.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Renaissance Chick
Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Girl: Fuck nice! I am a born and bred New Yorker, I don't care for nice. I dont' want to be nice, I want to be right! Fuck nice!
--O'Neil's Irish Bar ladies' room, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Banana
She Means the Greeks
Chick: How come we're always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um...This is "Introduction to Jewish-American Literature".
Chick: ...Yeah, but still.
--Waverly Building, Waverly Place
The Buddhist Guys Are Too Fat
Girl #1: You should date the Jew; he would take you out to dinner and then they bone you.
Girl #2: Oh, as opposed to the Catholic ones that we just bone and skip dinner altogether?
--3rd Avenue & 10th Street
They Waxed the Floor and Soaked the Sheets
Girl #1: So we basically spent the entire day having sex on Sunday.
Girl #2: Oh my god! How do you get any chores done?
--Orchard & Stanton
Parve Wednesday One-liners
Bouncer: You see, the schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup in a restaurant. The schlimazel is the guy who has the soup spilled on him.
--1st & A
Guy: Well, what color was this Jew?
--Fort Greene
Woman on cell: ...That's just so not my thing. I am not that kind of Jew, Larry, okay?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nicole
Lady lawyer: This is a disaster. They should never put non-Jews in charge of the catering.
--Office, Rockefeller Plaza
Chick: Come to think of it, all of my Jewish friends went to summer camp. Isn't that kind of ironic though; Jews at camp?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Amanda
Teen boy: I want to be Jewish when I grow up.
--A train
Overheard by: drewseph
Guy on cell: You deserve a gold Jewish Star of David!...Did you swallow?...Yeah, that's true, one step at a time.
--Astoria
Overheard by: SEM
She Sounds Very Pretty Herself
Girl #1: I'm funny.
Girl #2: No you're not.
Girl #1: Yes I am. Everyone says I'm hilarious.
Girl #2: Of course they do. That's because you aren't pretty.
--Virgin, Union Square
Overheard by: djlindee
Wednesday One-liners Cook the Afterbirth
Woman on cell: No, I mean, whatever. I cried for that baby when it died and all. Shit! I even went to its funeral and the damn thing wasn't even born! Who the fuck has a funeral for a baby that wasn't even born?...Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, I'm sure as hell not going to a birthday party for a baby whose funeral I went to a year ago. That is fucking morbid...and they had better not be expecting presents.
--14th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Laura Mathis
Girl on cell: Wait, was this the eating disorder cousin or the crack dealer cousin?...Oh, she's having a baby? Wow, I hope it doesn't die.
--Waverly & University
Asian chick: Like you've ever even seen a baby prostitute.
--56th between 5th & 6th
Guy: No, she was four months pregnant when I started dating her. But I certainly did bathe the baby in sperm!
--Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue
Girl: I'm not sure, but we are thinking of putting the baby in the closet; it's small but we can fit a crib in there and keep the door open.
--12th Street & 3rd Avenue
Teen girl: It was the saddest thing ever. It was almost as sad as watching a baby cough.
--F train
Overheard by: drewseph
Chick: Omigod, I totally want an Asian baby. Asians make the best mixers. Like vodka.
--49th & 10th
Overheard by: Uncle Jimmy
Something Like That
Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: I'm not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think it's, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didn't have time to wait for it to cook, right?
--Hotel Gansevoort lobby, Meatpacking District
Overheard by: Cynthia Z
Time to Take a Break from the Studying
Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Overheard by: King Arthur
In My Family, Jack Daniels Is the Tradition
Middle-aged woman: Tradition brings us all together and makes us feel close.
Twentysomething woman: That's not the tradition; it's the Jack Daniels.
--M60 bus, Triboro Bridge
Overheard by: djlindee
In a De-luxe Apartment in the Sky
Two kids are looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos.
Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.
--N train going uptown
But That's, Like, The Worst Hampton!
Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn't believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she'll be ok. I mean, she's gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she'll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she'll be ok.
Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.
Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.
--The Dalton School
Overheard by: Vicksburg
NY Age of Consent Is 17 -- Coincidence?
Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?
--R train
I Know Shakespeare, and He Didn't Say It -- That God Guy Did
Girl #1: As Shakespeare once said: "Thou shall not kill."
Girl #2: No, that would be God.
--11th & University
Wednesday One-Liners, the City and the Country
Woman: I find the suburbs to be extremely frightening. I know they all have air conditioning, but still...
--6 train
Twentysomething guy: The quality of life here is so bad...I mean, if you enjoy drinking all night and having random sex, you'll like living in New York.
--5th Ave & 9th St
Her People Love Fashion at a Bargain
Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn't know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It's not a burqa, it's a poncho. I'm Jewish. It's for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.
--53rd & 7th
Overheard by: Pam
Gay Guys Prefer Hardwood
Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.
--C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
--B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
--N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
--C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
--Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"
--Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
--F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
--A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to...This is an A train to... to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we're going?
--A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there's a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin', get to steppin'!
--1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!
--PATH train
Mom Gets Her Inner Ho-Bag Out of the Garage
Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!
--Q37 bus, Liberty Ave
What's a Nice Place Like This Doing in a Girl Like You?
Slutty girl: My high school history teacher ate my pussy. Then the science teacher. He ate my pussy. Then in college my freshman philosophy professor and my junior year economics professor, they ate my pussy.
Practical girl: You need to put out a Zagat guide to your twat.
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: PDJ
