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Hardly. He Could Have Said the Suitcase Was Full of Jessica Simpson CDs.
Younger black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is the stupidest thing you could have said.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: observing on the 1
Although I Do Recognize a Treasure Chest When I See One
Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you're a pirate.
Woman wearing bandana: No. I'm just a lesbian.
--Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Enter a Persistent Vegetative State
Hipster on cell: Yo, eggplant can be vegetarian, right?
--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Anonymous Ambivore
Middle-Aged woman: Damn vegetarians, always trying to take over the world.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Emaline
Girl: Are bums allowed to be vegetarian?
--Chipotle, 6th Ave between 21st & 22nd
Overheard by: Rabid-Panda
Guy: She's vegetarian?! I thought she was an alcoholic?
--B7 bus
Shrewd observer: You've had way too much cock in your mouth to be vegan.
--Outside The Lucky Cat, 245 Grand St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Constintina
Shoeshine man to group of young people: It ain't natural. Our bodies, they have the hormones to digest meat. If we were like a goat--and not to insult you, miss, 'cause you're prettier than a goat--but then that's okay that we don't eat meat. But we ain't. We're carnivores. If you're a vegetarian, you gotta listen to your body. It's tellin' you: "Meat me!" You know, like, "Meat me!"
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: jacqmander
Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul
Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.
--Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: DC
So He Broke into the Lubelski, Followed by a Vigorous Polka
Little girl, pointing to grab holds: Look, Dad, monkey bars!
Little boy: I wanna play on the pole! No, you can't too, this is my pole!
Dad: Bobby, everyone can play on the pole!
Little girl: Bobby, go back to your pole!
Little boy: Fine! Look, Dad, I'm a pole dancer!
--PATH train, World Trade Center
France Just Seems Small, Because It's So Easy to Conquer
Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you're Greek.
Waitress: No, that's my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you're from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It's the former USSR. It's between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It's not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It's the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you'd better.
--Diner, Park Slope
Mom Used up Her Niceties on the First Few Kids
Small child in stroller: Mommy, why did you wake me up? Don't wake me up when I'm sleeping!
Mom: Fine. I'll leave you on the train and you can miss your stop and then the rats will get you.
--Brooklyn bound Q train
Overheard by: djingo
This is Wednesday-One-Liners' Stop
Man boarding bus to driver: You better not go flippin' this bitch over!
--Fung Wah Bus, Chinatown
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Young mom: No! I will sit down! You're a kid, you don't even have to pay to ride the bus. I did, so I'm sitting! Move!
--M60 Bus
Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I've got places to be.
--B45 Bus
Overheard by: Robin M.
Driver of a Chinatown bus : Does anyone know how to get out of the city?
--Broadway
Feminism Didn't Die, It's Living Comfortably as a Stay-at-Home Mom in White Plains
Girl #1: I am like, totally addicted to Days of our Lives.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I am so fucked up, because this one character totally got fired and they put another guy in his place. I can't even watch him, because, you know, he's not the same guy.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's really fucked up my TV viewing schedule. I mean, what am I going to watch, one of the judge shows?
Girl #2: Well, you could go to class or study instead....
Girl #1: I don't need to. I'm studying to be a second wife. That girl's shoes are so cute. They would match my bag. Excuse me, where'd you get those shoes?
Girl #3: My husband.
Girl #1: See, class dismissed.
--53rd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kimbers614
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Things on Track
Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.
--C train, 59th St
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.
--B train
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: la di da
Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.
--N train, Astoria
Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast
Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.
--C train
Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl
Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.
--Downtown C train, 14th St
Overheard by: alxie
Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"
--Queens bound F train
Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.
--F train, 34th St
Overheard by: prairiesquid
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.
--A train
Overheard by: english dude
Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to...This is an A train to... to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we're going?
--A train, 175th St
Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl
Conductor: All right, there's a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin', get to steppin'!
--1 train, Times Square
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!
--PATH train
Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs
Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!
--57th & 7th
Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you've got trouble on your hands.
--Union Square
Overheard by: McFreaky
Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it's getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!
--JFK
Overheard by: Pixie
Realist on cell: Well you can't expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.
--53rd & 6th
Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?
--St Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: Diane
Business woman: No, I told her I'd rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.
--Chipotle, 22nd & 6th
The Buddha Was a Tough Kid to Raise
Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Miranda
Free Enterprise Fund Poster Hobo
Suit on cell: If he doesn't get me the fucking money, I'll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I'll kill that bitch?
--St. Mark's
It Brings Back Too Many Memories
Male student #1: Your sister has the best tasting punani in New York.
Male student #2: I'll pay for lunch if you promise not to say that again.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wish I Knew His Sister
Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun
Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.
He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!
--46th between 5th & 6th
Well, Ralph Was Able to Punch Alice to There
Cop: I won't issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly... What's closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I'll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm... the moon!
--Brownsville, Brooklyn
Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances
For Christmas She Wants Tickle-Me-to-Death Elmo
Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
She Blames Sex and the City for That, Too
Hyper JAP: So then I was like, "Hey, you can't just sleep with me in your mom's house and then leave, because I don't even know your mom and I don't care if she's away."
Bored JAP: Right?
Hyper JAP: I blame Sex and the City for this.
Guy sitting nearby: Hey, blame it on you being a slut! Damn.
--Starbucks, 38 Park Row
Overheard by: Katelyn
Ok, That's My New Worst Fear Too
Girl #1: My worst fear is falling on a picket fence or getting eaten by a shark.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, well my worst fear is someone pushing me forward onto a blackboard and having my teeth scrape down the front. That would be awful.
--Grand Central Station
But Now It's a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
I Have Had It With These Motherfucking Mongooses Foiling My Motherfucking Terrorist Plots
Airport security guard #1: Hey, I gotta get me a mongoose.
Airport security guard #2: Yeah, man. Gotta keep them cobras off them planes.
--JFK
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection
Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
How Jared Was Shamed Into Living
Kid on cell: I am about to kill myself because of you!
Hobo in wheelchair: Do it! Do it! You haven't got the balls!
--Prince between Mulberry & Mott
Overheard by: Hashashin
Excerpt from The Duke Lacrosse Player's Guide to Party Etiquette
Drunk girl: People thought I looked good?
Guy: Yeah!
Drunk girl: How do you know?
Guy: Because they gave you money and licked stuff off your breasts.
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Logan
Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set
Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving!
--AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don't have your boarding passes out, I'm sending you to Amtrak!
--Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Beth T
Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport.
--LaGuardia Tarmac
Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist.
--Jetblue flight into New York
Overheard by: Denise
Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight.
--Flight into JFK
Overheard by: frequent flyer
Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on.
--Flight out of LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ronnie F
Flight attendant: ...and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state.
--Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kathryn
A Lot of People Call Her Apartment the Harlem of the Upper East Side
Woman #1: Yeah, I tell ya, my baby's daddy has been the biggest jerk in the world lately.
Woman #2: Will you stop calling him that! He's your husband. You married him like 5 years ago.
--Au Bon Pain
Overheard by: K
Doris Brings Manhattan to a Standstill
Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I'm standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone's mothafucking way.
--42nd & 3rd
Overheard by: She was in my way too
Born-Again Brain Teaser
God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
And, Besides, I'm Chicken
Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.
--13th & 3rd
Overheard by: Todd B
Hey, Man, Where Do You Think Families Come From?
Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.
--Mickey D's, Times Square
And All the Proofreading in the World Can't Save Me
Young man: I think you should have put LIFE and not LIVE on your sign.
Jesus freak, holding sign reading THROUGH JESUS WILL YOU FIND ETERNAL LIVE: Oh, thank you. Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Young man: No, I'm a dirty Jew. I'm going to hell.
--42nd & 7th
It's Even Funnier If You Know What They're Talking About
Girl #1: You're a geek, too. You took your Lord of the Rings action figures to the opening night of Return of the King, and you made them sit on your lap and watch the movie.
Girl #2: That wasn't me.
Girl #1: Oh yeah. That was me. But you like Dune.
Girl #2: Don't you have a crush on Muad'Dib?
Girl #1: Oh yeah.
--Penn Station
What all Those Sperm Banks Really do With it
Drunk hipster #1: Yeah...snort cum.
Drunk hipster #2: How could I snort cum? It's impossible!
Drunk hipster #1: Nothing is impossible.
Drunk hipster #2: But it's so sticky. I really don't think that's possible...unless maybe it was in powder form.
Drunk hipster #1: Wow! We're those guys on the train everyone wants to shut up.
--C train
I Can, I Just Can't Get Them to Pay
Girl: That Susan's such a whore.
Guy: Yeah, but wouldn't you be?
Girl: What?
Guy: You know, hypothetically, if you could get people to sleep with you.
--11th & C
And I'm Gonna Tell Dick You Said That
White boy #1: I only like to watch girl-on-girl.
White boy #2: What? You don't like dick in your porn? That's fucking gay.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jesse
That One's Boring -- Tell the Donkey-Punch Story Again!
Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.
Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I've heard that one before.
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: Brian Flanagan
Paradox: If All Men Are Liars, Did he Cheat or Not?
Girl: Just tell me!
Guy: Well what do you think? Do you think I cheated on you, yes or no?
Girl: No!
Guy: Wrong.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Emma
Because I'm Puerto Rican
Queer #1: What did he just say?
Queer #2: He called you maricon. It means faggot in Spanish.
Queer #1: Oh, thank God. I thought he called me Mexican. I was about to be really offended.
--Lorimer St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ray
Not Without a Vagina It's Not
Little boy: That's not art!
Mom: Shhh... some people think so.
Little boy: Nope, not art.
--Whitney Museum, 5th floor
Overheard by: didn't think it was art either
This Also Works on Her Alarm Clock
Chick: We missed our stop.
Guy: You slept right through it.
Chick: Why didn't you wake me up?
Guy: I tried, you wouldn't wake up. You just showed me your pussy.
Chick: That sounds like me.
--N train
Overheard by: shewuzshaved
Especially with all the Stains on my Clothes
Guy #1: We could go by Mike's
Guy #2: Which Mike? Fun Mike or Shitty Mike?
Guy #1: I always forget which one is which with you.
Guy #1: Fun Mike always pays for everything... Shitty Mike always has no money and throws up.
Guy #2: You'd think I could keep that straight.
--Bloomingdale's, 60th & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time, Like Everyone Else
Woman to old lady: Put your shoes on so your pants don't fall off.
--Ladies' bathroom, Manhattan Mall
Guy: I wanna go to a zoo where all the animals are wearing pants.
--Prospect Park Zoo
Overheard by: Valerie Fasone
Tourist dad: Did you see that thing? It just went--Zip!--Right up his pant leg!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Stephen Distinti
Older man on cell: OK, let me know what Margot says and let me know if my pants are there.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Elise
Doctor to wife: I had a patient bleed on these pants today; should I wash them tonight?
--L Train
Overheard by: Jason
Suit #1 to suit #2: The first thing to come to my mind is: I have a girlfriend, she has a boyfriend, how can I get into her pants one last time?
--Downtown 4 train
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Teen girl on cell: So then he wanted me to go down on him and I said, "OK." He pulls down his pants, and let me tell you, girl, I could not stop laughing.
--Court & Atlantic, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Size always matters
NY Age of Consent Is 17 -- Coincidence?
Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?
--R train
Gangstas, Inc. Soon Learned Not to Hold Public Staff Meetings
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, man, I gotta get me a new Sidekick.
Gangsta wannabe #2: Yo, you mean buy one or rob one?
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, rob one, fool!
Gangsta wannabe #2: So rob one then!
Gangsta wannabe #1: I will soon!
Very nervous white guy in suit right in front of them quickly slips his Sidekick into his pocket.
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Peter
...He Squeaked, as he Wiped Off His Chin
Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there's nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he's always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn't date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Upstate Gambler
You Think She'd Hook Up With Me?
Sister #1: You know what Auntie Cathy* said last week? She said that, back in the 40's, Aunt Mary* was a huge slut! She said, and I quote, "She had the clap so many times it amounted to applause."
Sister #2: And I thought the only hobby she ever had was crocheting those ugly stuffed animals.
--Quizno's, 14th & 3rd
The Fallacy of Insufficient Sample Size
Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn't working out. I guess I'm not over Jessica.
Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I'm a hairdresser. How original. Just because I'm a hairdresser you think I'm gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you fucking Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.
--9th & B
Overheard by: GavinM
Dad Also Says You're 'Moody' and That He's a 'Problem Drinker'
Tourist kid: Mom, am I fat?
Tourist mom: Yes. Now get in the airplane.
Tourist kid: Dad says I'm husky.
Tourist mom: That means fat.
--U.S.S. Intrepid
